PUNS OF THE DAY 10-02-09
PUNS
You can encapsulate a marriage in four words. If a fellow gets
married, but finds a temptation elsewhere, hears about it from his
wife when she finds out, and finds himself served with papers, you can
sum up the experience as: HITCHED, ITCHED, BITCHED, DITCHED. (Cynthia
MacGregor)
My wife put a picture of Harrison Ford inside her locket to celebrate
Indy-pendants Day.
When my husband finally gave in and began to clean out his bureau, he
discovered a bunch of socks that didn't match. As I looked at them, I
noted that most of them had holes in them. "Land's sakes, man !" 1
exclaimed. "How long have you had these things?" "Since before we were
married," he admitted. "I guess you could say that I had a lot of
premarital socks !"
Outdoor lights were put up at the golf course for people who liked
swinging nightclubs.
Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I made love to my wife and
afterward held her close. "I love you terribly," I whispered. "You
certainly do," was her reply.
A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was sporting
a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door, he replied,
the beauty of the place had struck him.
The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing
his teeth. "Oooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as
the little thread did its work. Suddenly and seemingly without
provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift
kick. Bewildered, the husband demanded, "What was that for? I'm
sorry," his wife replied stiffly, "but I just don't believe in sighing
flossers."
Alimony: A contraction of "all his money."
A young couple approached the desk in a big hotel. "We've just been
married," the young couple explained, "but we forgot to make
reservations. Could you give us a suite for the night?" "Certainly,"
replied the clerk. "Would you like the bridal?" "Oh, no thanks," said
the young man. "Now that we're married, we're going to stop horsing
around !"
OTHER HUMOR
A man took a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they went on
to a show. The evening was a huge success and as he dropped her at her
door he said, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you
remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agreed and a date was made. The next night he knocked on her door
and when she opened it, she slapped him hard across the face. He was
stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said, "I looked up
rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said, 'Not well
suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden
wall'."
I was going to throw out many years worth of old magazines but they
were pretty heavy. I changed my mind because I have back issues. (Gary
Hallock)
One day the Mexican maid announced to the Yuppette that she was
quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I am in the family way." The
Yuppette was both surprised and shocked and asked who it was. The maid
replied, "Your husband and your son." This time, the Yuppette was
horrified and demanded an explanation. "Well," the maid explained, " I
go to the library to clean it and you husband say, 'You are in the
way'. I go to the living room to clean and you son say 'You are in my
way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."
Swansong Dinners: Healthy frozen entrees for those final Death Row
meals. (Craig Dykstra)
A young couple approached the desk in a big hotel. "We've just been
married," the young couple explained, "but we forgot to make
reservations. Could you give us a suite for the night?" "Certainly,"
replied the clerk. "Would you like the bridal?" "Oh, no thanks," said
the young man. "Now that we're married, we're going to stop horsing
around !"
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know why I look this way.
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