Pun: When dressing up for a masquerade, disguise the limit.
Quote of the Day: I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. -- Bill Dana
Today's One-Liner: Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?" He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, Hon."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Joan Keyser
I was golfing with a soldier who had just returned from Afghanistan. His plans included becoming a greens keeper once he was discharged in a few months. He applied to a local college for its golf course superintendent program, but the department chair worried that he might not be up for the job. "It's stressful," he said. "You have to fight the weather, insects and demanding club members."
"Will anyone be shooting at me while I mow the grass?" asked the soldier.
"Of course not."
"I'll take the job."
-- Bill Bailey
Provided Courtesy of Reader's Digest Humor in Uniform.
The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s ok with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells.
Here is today's PearlyGates item.
Praise Correction
OK, everybody! If you are new to the PearlyGates list or have never read the disclaimer (it's up just a few lines), you really should read that disclaimer before going any further. Really! Please read it because it will take less time to read it than it will to flame me and then calm down afterwards.
OK, here's today's PearlyGates item.
But before that - please make sure you've read the disclaimer - really.
Ok, here we go for sure:
------------
At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
"The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good. I like his work.'" -- David Spade
*-.,,.-*
"Correspondence schools are full of it. I saw an ad where they claimed they could teach you veterinarian medicine thought the mail. Hate to be a dog in that house. "Mail's here!" "Yip, yip, yip!" Talk about being a regular in the pet store, "Hey, didn't I already sell you a puppy?" -- Drew Carey
*-.,,.-*
"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less
stupid." -- P. J. O'Rourke
Future Novelists ...
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and
now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans ... all for
a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore ... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
At the Bookstore
For some reason, the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to recognize my preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said, "There's part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 12/30/1899."
"That's right," my husband chimed in. "She was born in June, not December."
*-.,,.-*
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth and Good Clean Fun
Answering machine message 117
John: Brad, will you get the phone?
Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! I'm playing Omega!
John: Ambar, will you get the phone?
Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.)
John: Aimee, will you get the phone?
Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in the shower!
John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in Denver. Please leave a message.
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Received from Mikey's Funnies
Little Johnny
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny ... 'Giving up?'
Received from Dave's Desk
Zen Sarcasm, Part 1
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Received from Beliefnet.com. BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them.
Marriage Joke
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the Supermarket which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”
Received from aJokeADay.com
q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
“Parents’ groups are complaining that TV broadcasts of baseball games are filled with ads for erectile dysfunction drugs. In other words, things are so turned around these
days that now we delay baseball by thinking about sex.” -- Conan O’Brien
*-.,,.-*
“Today is the 150 anniversary of The New York Times. The sad thing is, I read about it online.” -- Jay Leno
*-.,,.-*
“They’re holding the Values Voter Summit in Washington D.C. This is a gathering of conservative activists who get together and talk about values and politics … then, at night, they take hookers up to their hotel rooms.” -- Jimmy Kimmel
What’s On the Web?
SNIGLETS
Words that don’t appear in the dictionary, but should.
Visit: http://bertc.com/sniglets.htm
*-.,,.-*
ABSURD INVENTIONS
Dozens of actual patented items, including Bulletproof
Buttocks, Wig Flipper, Diaper Alarm, and Toilet Landing
Lights.
Visit: http://totallyabsurd.com/absurd.htm
b i t s . n . b o b s
^^^^^^^^^^^
What Not to Say to a Cop
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t on.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You’re gonna check the trunk, aren’t you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn’t inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around–That’s how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Above three received from The Mouthpiece
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret.
The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep downhill grade.
"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"
"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap.”
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally, but this one is real, and it's important.
Please send this warning to everyone on your email list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid now ...
I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I had to tell them, "No way!"
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving ...
Above five received from Tickled by Tony.
"No woman can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that. I've kept my age a secret since I was 21."
"You'll let it out some day."
"I hardly think so. When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."
*-.,,.-*
I named my dog "Tax". I opened the door and income Tax.
*-.,,.-*
Mother to Little Johnny: "What do you want for your birthday?"
"I'd like a little brother."
"Oh my, that's such a big wish. Why do you want a little brother?"
"There's only so much I can blame on the dog."
Received from Daily-Humor
Nowadays, people can be divided into three classes -
the Haves,
the Have-Nots, and
the Have Not Paid For What They Haves.
-- Earl Wilson
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain
(From the Archives)
My son arrived back in the United States after fighting with the First Marine Division in Iraq. But I still couldn't help reacting like a mom when I saw him on the base running over to some buddies to return a bayonet. "Kevin!" I shouted halfway across the base, before I could stop myself. "Don't run with that knife in your hands!"
Received from Ed
Above three received from Teddi's Humor
Daily Trivia Question: Which holiday do Canadians observe on the 2nd Monday in October?
Answer: Thanksgiving
Kavli Kaviar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAuPMSu_8T0
RIDDLES
Why did the cowboy put a whistle in his ten-gallon hat?
So he could blow his top.
When is the vet busiest?
When it rains cats and dogs.
When don't you feel so hot?
When you catch a cold.
Why do geese look so unhappy when they are preening their feathers;
Because they get down in the mouth. (Stan Kegel)
How did the clock feel when no one wound it up?
Run down.
Why did the secretary cut her fingers off?
She wanted to write shorthand.
How can you tell if a bucket is not well?
When it is a little pail
Why are prisoners in jail the slowest talkers in the world?
They can spend 25 years on a single sentence.
Why did the outlaw carry a bottle of glue when he robbed the stagecoach?
So he could stick up the passengers.
Why did the doctor give up his practice?
Because he lost his patience
Received from Jest for Kids
*-.,,.-*
PUNS & OTHER JOKES
Confucius Says, "He who puts face in punch bowl get punch in nose."
Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day. "Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right. "Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?" Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him. "Who would like to do the third problem, division?" Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right. "Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?" Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. "Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?" "Because the Bible says to go fourth and multiply."
Nuisance: The furniture is NUISANCE you were last here.
After I broke my ankle in a fall in our garage, I had to wear a cast from the knee down. Normally my husband and I are cozy sleepers, but the cast posed a problem. Several sleepless nights later, my husband said to me in desperation, "I don't mind sleeping with the star of the show, but I can't manage the whole cast
When he gave a lecture, the famous author spoke volumes.
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car.
Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
Greenhouse workers enjoy a budding romance.
In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits. So, in order to overcome the discrepency, they often created a bogus account entitled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.
Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice, and declared a new law: that there would, from this point on, be no accounting for Taste.
"I'll use my stopwatch to see how fast it moves," said Tom, seconding the motion.
Received from Stan Kegel
CAREGIVER'S GRIEF BEGAN LONG BEFORE HER HUSBAND'S DEATH
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Alone But Happy in Canada" who feels guilty because she feels relieved following the death of her husband from a long, difficult illness.
Everyone grieves differently, but I don't think grieving a loved one's loss BEFORE his or her death is uncommon. I've known several people who watched loved ones wither away into helpless, needy and miserable individuals. I can't think of one who didn't feel the same as "Alone But Happy."
I have begun referring to it as "grieve-as-you-go guilt." A person grieves through the decline and eventual demise of a beloved mate, and when she fails to feel sadness, she substitutes guilt where she believes her grief should be. But actually she has been grieving all along, and needs to acknowledge that fact. Only then will she be able to enjoy not only her clean house, but her clear conscience as well. -- AZY IN WASHINGTON
DEAR AZY: You have keen insight. Other readers wrote wanting to offer reassurance to "Alone But Happy." Read on:
*-.,,.-*
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Alone" was appreciated by all caregivers, I'm sure. Nobody knows, unless they have walked that particular path, how difficult and lonely it is to watch a spouse disappear over a long time, losing the history you share together, making hard decisions alone, and rebuilding an identity not tied to the past. Every morning brings a new bout of grief from the moment of wakening -- every day another day you don't want to face.
Keeping healthy and planning ahead for yourself, not as a caregiver but as a participant in the "real world," is the only way to maintain sanity sometimes. Though I love my husband dearly, I look forward to having a life again that is not centered on his disease. No one should be made to feel guilty for restarting life when he or she has given so much. -- DAY AT A TIME
*-.,,.-*
DEAR ABBY: I also lost my husband of 35 years just a month ago. He endured several years of health problems and as his caregiver, I, too, felt a great sense of relief with his passing. I do not, however, feel guilty about it.
I realize that I have been grieving for several years already, as I knew this time would be coming. In many ways it is as if I am in the final stage of the process even though my husband's death has only just occurred.
Our son put it best when he said at my husband's bedside, "I lost my dad several years ago, but my father died tonight." He, too, understands that his grief began a long time ago. -- MOVING FORWARD
*-.,,.-*
DEAR ABBY: Having to put another person's needs and wants before one's own can be very stressful. Not everyone is able to do that and stay pleasant and patient at all times. Fortunately, I found a local caregivers' support group. Our weekly meetings help us see that we are not alone in experiencing the trials and tribulations of family caregiving.
For those who are laboring to do their best for their sick or disabled loved ones, let me suggest they find a Senior Information and Assistance office in their area. Another resource is the National Family Caregivers Association (www.thefamilycaregiver.org; phone (800) 896-3650). These may be helpful in allowing caregivers mental and physical relief by connecting them with hourly in-home care services.
It is important that people experiencing this kind of stress get respite time to themselves, away from their care recipient, in order to be able to keep on helping them. -- ONE OF THE MANY
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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