WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-12-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Newsweek's editor Evan Thomas was ripped on talk radio Monday after he
said on a Sunday news show that President Obama is like God.
Republicans are furious. The Book of Genesis states unequivocally that
God appeared to Moses in the form of a Bush. (Ross Bowen)
Tuesday, President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the
nation's students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning
to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those
kids have voted Obama "Best President Ever." (Conan O'Brien)
Parents across the nation kept their kids home from school on the
advice of FOX News commentators, fearing that President Obama was
trying to indoctrinate their children when he addressed them on
Tuesday. And if anyone knows about "indoctrination", it would be FOX
News! (Paul Benoit)
I suppose from (The Republican) point of view it makes perfect sense -
the President is going to encourage kids to stay in school - if they
do that they'll learn to read and think critically - then where will
new Republicans come from? (Paul Benoit)
Instead of showing President Obama's health-care speech that was on
tonight, Fox aired its season premiere of "So You Think You Can
Dance." I guess they wanted to give viewers a choice between hearing
what's wrong with our country and watching what's wrong with our
country. (Jimmy Fallon)
Did you see president Obama's address to Congress? It must have gone
well because NBC is going to run it five nights a week. You know
that's a sign of success. (Craig Ferguson)
Yesterday (Pres. Obama) gave a pep talk to students. He told them that
in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today,
former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal. (Conan O'Brien)
Shawne Merriman (allegedly) chokes his girl friend? I thought the
Chargers always choked in January. (Jim Maser)
THE EDUCATION & HEALTH SPEECHES
President Obama speaks to children this week. He's dumbed it down for
those at an elementary level. And once he's done with his
congressional address, he'll write one for school kids. (Alan Ray)
(Obama's) getting ready for a speech he's giving to schoolchildren
tomorrow. And he said he wants the speech to be at third grade level,
so he tested it on Joe Biden (Craig Ferguson)
President Obama speaks to the nation's schoolchildren today. He'll
emphasize what's down the road for them one day with good grades and
hard work. Our nation's debt. (Alan Ray)
In his speech to America's schoolchildren, President Obama urged them
to not to be sidelined by weak excuses. He then gave them some
examples of really good excuses, such as, "My opponents are
undermining these programs"; "The media misquoted me," and his
personal favorite, "These problems were created by the previous
administration." (Bill Mihalic)
During his speech to America's schoolchildren Tuesday, President Obama
warned students that if they quit on school "You're not just quitting
on yourself, you're quitting on your country." Half the students
thought to themselves, "He's right; I'll stay in school for my native
Mexico." (Jerry Perisho)
President Obama spoke to the nation's schoolkids Tuesday and the sun
still came up Wednesday morning.... whew! (Paul Benoit)
In President Obama's speech to schoolchildren, he tells students that
the key to success is to work hard and stay in school. The Republican
rebuttal – the key to success is having rich parents who get tax cuts.
(Janice Hough)
Some Republicans were so mad about Obama's speech to school children,
they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal. He showed kids the proper way to
stuff a geek into a locker. (Craig Ferguson)
In tonight's speech before a joint session of Congress, the White
House says President Obama will re-invigorate his push for health care
reform, mostly by promising every member of the House and Senate free
treatment for their sexually transmitted diseases. (Jake Novak)
During his speech to Congress Wed. night, President Obama said that
"the time for games has passed. Now is the season for action." That's
the same line Pres. Clinton used on White House interns. (Jerry
Perisho)
Speaking to Congress Wednesday night, President Obama framed health
reform as indicative of American character. Republicans disagreed, but
it wasn't clear if they disagree with the President, or if they
disagree with character. -- Republicans are vehemently against the
public health care option. Unless, of course, it's their own. Then
it's cool. (Joe Hickman)
President Obama made his big health-care address to a joint session of
Congress last night. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in
the middle of it when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly
yelled out, "You lie!" It's amazing. This guy was able to sit through
seven years of President Bush telling him "everything in Iraq is
fine," but — without a peep — but last night, he yells out, "You
lie!"(Jimmy Kimmel)
President Obama warned Congress Wednesday that people will die if we
do nothing about health care. Of course people will also die if we do
something. If history proves anything it is that nothing is more
recession-proof than the funeral business. (Argus Hamilton)
Last anight during President Obama's speech — I have never seen this
in a presidential speech, a congressional chamber — a congressman
heckled him. This guy from South Carolina, congressman, begins to
heckle the guy. And I thought, O.K., so, now Governor Mark Sanford is
the second most embarrassing politician from South Carolina. (David
Letterman)
President Obama told Congress Wednesday that he isn't the first
president in U.S. history to propose health care reform but he's
determined to be the last. He doesn't have to worry about that. If he
loses the House, the Senate and re-election, he will be. (Argus
Hamilton)
After Joe Wilson's outburst last night, everyone was shocked. Usually
when a politician shoots his mouth off and makes a fool of himself,
his name is Joe Biden. (Craig Ferguson)
Congressman Joe Wilson's apologized for calling President Obama a
"liar" during his speech on health care. Obama accepted Wilson's
apology and then invited him to appear before a death panel. (Conan
O'Brien)
Earlier tonight, President Obama spoke to Congress to explain his
healthcare plan and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is very happy because
apparently her Botox is covered, so that's good. (David Letterman)
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was shocked. At least that's what
she said. You can't tell because her face doesn't move. (David
Letterman)
PRESIDENT OBAMA & THE ADMINISTRATION
It was a busy week for President Obama. He gave two major speeches.
One to a bunch of children, and another to the nation's students.
(Todd Long)
President Obama said that Rep. Wilson's outburst during his speech
Wednesday night was "productive," adding, "Joe Wilson highlighted the
need for mental health care. " (Andy Borowitz)
TAXES , THE ECONOMY, BUSINESS, & LABOR
Disney will buy Marvel Comics for $4 Billion. Die hard fans will be
disappointed to find out the first cross over will be to make Spider-
Man the road manager for Hanna Montana. (Jim Barach)
THE CONGRESS
Congress is considering giving the president the power to shut down
the internet in case of emergency. Wait a minute: How is he going to
know when my wife suddenly walks into the room? (Todd Long)
Ex-pitcher Curt Schilling stepping into the late Ted Kennedy's shoes
might be a whole new ballgame. He'd be the first to deliver a speech
on the floor of the U.S. Senate while covering his mouth with his
glove. (Jerry Perisho)
Senator Carl Levin now says that he is against sending more American
combat troops to Afghanistan. Levin needs the soldiers to stay in the
U.S. to protect him and his colleagues at those health care town hall
meetings. (Jake Novak)
Congressman Joe Wilson yelled out "You lie!" at the president during
his speech to congress Wednesday night. The congressman apologized to
the president and to China's U.N. Ambassador U Ly. (Tim Hunter)
Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) courted controversy again today as he
reportedly shouted "You lie" during a sexual encounter in which his
wife pretended to have an orgasm. But the South Carolina congressman
got a vote of support from a fellow Republican lawmaker, Sen. John
Ensign (R-NV), who told reporters, "It's so rare for a Republican
politician to have sex with his own wife, we should applaud it when it
happens." (Andy Borowitz)
Senator Harry Reid emerged from the Oval Office Tuesday saying the
health care bill was ninety percent of the way there. How familiar. At
the conclusion of every Middle East peace conference they say both
sides are ninety percent of the way there, they've agreed on
everything except borders, Jerusalem and Israel's right to exist.
(Argus Hamilton)
THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS
Republican California Assemblyman Mike Duvall, a married father of
two, was caught on tape bragging about having sex with two women
lobbyists. He resigned, apologizing for his "inappropriate comments."
Yo, Mike, it's not your COMMENTS that were inappropriate. (Janice Hough)
California is such a schizophrenic state. If a politician has sex with
two women, they either make him resign or they elect him governor.
(Jerry Perisho)
So Rod Blagojevich got caught offering bribes on FBI wiretaps, and
Mike Duvall got caught talking about sex on a open microphone. The
next generation may not produce more honest politicians, but maybe at
least they will be smarter about electronics? (Janice Hough)
Virginia gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell's campaign was thrown
for a loop because of his recently revealed anti-women and homosexual
statements. In fact, it might be the most self-inflicted damage a
Republican has done lately with his pants on. (Janice Hough)
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is reportedly spreading rumors
that his Lieutenant Governor is gay. He's hoping this rumor discredits
the man better than the "he has cooties" campaign of last week. (Jerry
Perisho)
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he will continue to fight
for conservative causes and do "What God wanted me to do with my
life". Which apparently has nothing to do with governing the State of
South Carolina. (Jim Barach)
The "Naked Cowboy" has dropped his bid to become New York City mayor.
But character issues weren't the reason. He doesn't have a lot of
dirty laundry. (Alan Ray)
A Salt Lake City woman who held a Guinness World Record for her long
fingernails had them broken off in a car crash. She hadn't cut them in
30 years. But, on the bright side she can now finish typing that
letter she started in 1979. (Doug Austen)
THE DEMOCRATS & THE REPUBLICANS
Next month, Sarah Palin is going to Hong Kong for a speaking
engagement in Hong Kong. She says she can almost see Hong Kong from
her house. (David Letterman)
Palin's going to do her best to promote capitalism while she's in Hong
Kong, and then I guess in the end of the trip, she'll be riding around
in helicopters, shooting pandas. (David Letterman)
A dinner prepared by Sarah Palin is being auctioned off on e-Bay. This
is the perfect meal for somebody who is craving half-done Moose meat.
(Alex Kaseberg)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
Mountlake Terrace police are on the lookout for a trio of escorts who
are alleged to have stolen about $440 from four customers who had
invited them over for a weekend party. The cops have their work cut
out for them since they're relying on four victims who were
"incredibly" intoxicated and provided only the barest of descriptions.
(Christine Clarridge)
A Wisconsin woman was in court accused of Krazy Gluing her lover's
genitals to his leg. She felt he needed help adhering to their
relationship. (Alex Kaseberg)
A judge ruled that three women in Wisconsin must stand trial for super
gluing a man's penis to his stomach after they discovered he was
cheating on all of them. Of course there has to be a trial. They
violated every penal code in the book. (Jerry Perisho)
IMMIGRATION, SECURITY & TERRORISM
The N. Y.P. D. revised a report on homegrown terror threats after
complaints that it was insulting to Muslims. So in the new version,
they're back at the top of the list. (Todd Long)
Former DSH Secretary Tom Ridge is now backpedaling on claims that he
was ordered to raise terror alert levels just before the 2004
election. Apparently he is now saying he was ordered to raise them
every day. (Jim Barach)
NASA & SPACE
At a press conference this week, NASA made a big announcement. They
announced that they've created a magnetic device that can levitate
mice. NASA's spokesperson said, "If you don't let us go to Mars, this
is the kind of stupid crap we're going to do." (Conan O'Brien)
LATIN AMERICA
Mexican police foiled an AeroMexico hijacking in Cancun Wednesday.
Tourism is booming there. They waited until the U.S. built the border
wall then they legalized pot and cocaine, and now it's the only
country in the world with a bouncer at the door. (Argus Hamilton)
EUROPE
Due to the swine flu, French health officials have asked the French
people to forgo their customary cheek-to-cheek kiss greeting/ goodbye.
Of course, the other French custom of copping a feel on your best
friend's wife? Fine. (Alex Kaseberg)
The town of Drachten, Holland, has dropped its traffic accident rate
by 60 percent by removing all their traffic lights and stop signs, and
leaving their citizens to police themselves. That would never work in
America. A town without traffic lights... that would be like a town-
hall meeting without AK-47's, Hitler posters and dis-informed
screamers. (Frank King)
ASTA & AFRICA
China has started an educational exchange program that's sending 23
high school students to schools in Detroit. Once in Detroit, the
students will exchange cultural ideas, social theories and gunfire.
(Conan O'Brien)
Hey, it's been reported that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has
chosen Kim Jon-Un to be his successor, because as you know, North
Korean law requires the power to be handed over to the guy listed
behind you in the phone book. (Conan O'Brien)
SCIENCE , HEALTH, THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT
The New York Times cited a new medical study Saturday saying people
over sixty who drink moderately have a lower risk of Alzheimer's and
dementia. The news gets even better. It turns out that liver disease
improves the solvency of Social Security. (Argus Hamilton)
There's been speculation that if the swine flu and the bird flu cross
paths they may morph into some hybrid super flu. Yeah, right, WHEN
PIGS FLY! (Bill Thom)
There hasn't been this much smoke in Los Angeles since Willy Nelson
opened for Snoop Dog. (Alex Kaseberg)
A new study finds that the Arctic is the warmest it's been in 2,000
years because of greenhouse gasses. It is so hot; there have been
sightings of polar bears in Speedos. (Jerry Perisho)
Environmental Working Group tested cell phones for radiation Wednesday
and found out the Motorola Moto emits the highest radiation levels.
It's made in Japan. They were going to name the phone Hiroshima's
Revenge but Moto fits better on the handset. (Argus Hamilton)
SPORTS
San Diego Chargers star Shawne Merriman was arrested and charged with
choking his girlfriend. Which is shocking. Usually the only choking
the Chargers do is on the field. (Janice Hough)
San Diego Charger Shawne Merriman was arrested for false imprisonment
for allegedly restraining reality TV star, Tila Tequila. On the bright
side, nobody can say Merriman can't hold his Tequila. (Alex Kaseberg)
Red Sox pitcher Jonathan Papelbon has been fined $5,000 for slowing
down the game. What does he think this is, the PGA? (Jim Barach)
Boston Red Socks closer, Jonathan Papelbon has been fined for
dawdling on the mound. If MLB really wanted to speed up games, it
would authorize a golf cart for Prince Fielder. (Dan Daly)
A suite at Angel Stadium owned by Scott Boras was swarmed by bees
recently. I can think of a dozen team GMs who probably got a smile out
of that. (Greg Cote)
A 65-year-old man's pinky finger was bitten off by an Obama-care
supporter at a health care rally in California this week. Some people
give the finger; others find it hard to swallow. (Jerry Perisho)
The New York Yankees changed a Sunday night game in late September to
a day game because Yom Kippur starts at sundown. It's the holiest day
on the Jewish calendar. The Cubs played a double-header on Yom Kippur
one hundred years ago and you know the rest. (Argus Hamilton)
New reports show that "female" world-champion South African runner
Caster Semenya has both male and female genitals... but a few more
steroid treatments and she'll be all woman in no time. (Jake Novak)
Tests on Caster Semenya apparently show the South African track star
has both male and female sexual characteristics. Which could be a blow
to her future athletic hopes. But it could make her more likely to get
a future job hosting American Idol. (Janice Hough)
Caster Semenya posed for a glamorous photo shoot in a South African
magazine. Although the idea was controversial the stylists did a nice
job, she looks almost as pretty as Ryan Seacrest. (Janice Hough)
A Queens man must pay the New York Mets $3000 in penalties and
complete 20 days of community service for "interfering with a sporting
event" after he jumped onto the diamond nude with a stuffed monkey
tied to his waist. On a brighter note, Craig Coakley was signed as a
free agent and ordered to report to training camp next spring as a
designated runner since he was clocked faster than any Met presently
on the roster. (Bob Mills)
Michael Vick's NFL suspension was reduced to two games Friday. No one
is that mad anymore. With people biting off each other's fingers over
health care reform, dogfights now look like a halfway house for people
who want to quit town hall meetings. (Argus Hamilton)
And this year's Plaxico Burress Award for best self-inflicted football
wound goes to Pacman Jones! Seems the kooky cornerback, on the verge
of signing with the CFL's Winnipeg Blue Bombers, scuttled his own
chances with an ill-timed, 44-minute Internet video in which he said
he was only biding time until an NFL team beckoned and, even worse,
crowed that his new team played in the fledgling United Football
League. "I've seen a lot of things in 13 years of football," Bombers
defensive tackle Doug Brown told the Winnipeg Sun. "I've seen guys get
knocked out on the field and forget what score it is. It's the first
time I've ever seen anybody forget what league they were going to sign
with." (Dwight Perry)
To the great relief of Mavs star Dirk Nowitzki, his jailed ex-
girlfriend isn't pregnant with his child, after all. Talk about having
an "and one" call go your way. (Dwight Perry)
Raider Quarterback JaMarcus Russell, the No. 1 overall pick in the
2007 draft, appears to be turning the corner. There is a Krispy Kreme
around the corner from Oakland's training facility. (D. J. Gallo)
The beauty of the NFL. The one place where being thrown to the Lions
is a good thing. (Bob Molinaro)
On new NFL sponsor IHOP's "Exhibition Game Breakfast": For the price
of a steak dinner, you get bologna, burned toast, rotten eggs and
assorted leftovers. (Scott Ostler)
In what sounded like a barroom brawl, Bill & Mary throttled Virginia,
26-14. Just wait until Virginia's boyfriend, Duke, finds out. (Steve
Harvey)
The San Francisco Giants at A T and T park are hosting a production of
Verdi's "Il Trovatore" on September 19, calling it "Opera at the
Ballpark." Unfortunately, this week Giants fans may have already seen
the fat lady start singing. (Janice Hough)
Melanie Oudin, who is making a Cinderella run in the U.S. Open, didn't
plan to stay past the first few days in New York, and she was forced
to change hotels after 12 days. Guess she also will now longer be
using Anna Kournikova's travel agent. (Bill Littlejohn)
How stocked are the SF Giants with pitching? Besides Matt Cain, a hard-
luck 13 and 4 with a 2.51 ERA… by the numbers, they have three Cy
Young winners (Zito, Lincecum, Johnson), one guy who threw a no-hitter
(Sanchez) , and two guys who dated Alyssa Milano (Zito and Penny)
(Janice Hough)
Citi Field has been plagued with cracks and plumbing and wiring
problems since the New York Mets opened their new ballpark. Chunks of
concrete just fell from the upper deck onto seats below. The team
announced that for the rest of the season every night is Helmet Night.
(Argus Hamilton)
ENTERTAINMENT
Ellen DeGeneres is going to be one of the new judges on "American
Idol." It's not official yet. It still has to be confirmed by the
Senate. (David Letterman)
Ellen DeGeneres will be the new judge on American Idol, even though
she has no music industry experience. She will replace Paula Abdul,
who had no experience speaking coherent English. (Jake Novak)
Ellen DeGeneres has been named the 4th judge on the upcoming season of
"American Idol." She'll fill the gap created when Paula Abdul joined
the show 8 years ago. Ellen says she's up for the challenge, but
taking over for Paula will mean some tough prescriptions to fill.
(Tim Hunter)
Paula Abdul, of course, was the judge that Ellen DeGeneres is
replacing. But don't worry about Paula Abdul. You know what she is
going to do? I just heard this today. She's running for governor of
Alaska. (David Letterman)
Michael Jackson was buried under a full moon Thursday at midnight as
fires burned in the hills over the cemetery. Arson detectives bumped
into sex slave detectives on the ridge line. Living in L.A. is like
living inside Stephen King's brain during an aneurysm. (Argus Hamilton)
British police said that they will try to figure out how Rolling
Stones guitarist Brian Jones really died. After that, they promised to
figure out how Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is still alive.
(Erik Brauns)
So I heard that "Inglourious Basterds" is about the Jewish resistance,
or, as I like to call it, all the women I have ever approached at
singles dances. (Marc Ragovin)
There is a new video game where you pretend to play Beatles songs on
fake instruments. They got the idea from the career of The Monkees.
(Alex Kaseberg)
More nastiness today from Jon Gosselin about his soon to be ex-wife,
saying that he now "despises" her. The working title for the rest of
the season "Jon and Kate plus Hate." (Janice Hough)
It is getting ugly between Jon and Kate Gosselin. She accuses him of
being an a-hole, he says she is a bitch. At least they are both pretty
good judges of character. (Alex Kaseberg)
The movie "9" is out in theaters this weekend. Machines roam the earth
destroying life. The leader of the pack goes by the name "Hummer".
(Alan Ray)
Scooby Doo has turned 40 years old. In his latest cartoon, our heroic
canine stumbles upon the scariest haunted house yet. He accidentally
finds Michael Vick's place. (Alan Ray)
An assistant editor on "The Bachelor" has quit his job and pledged,
along with his fiancée, to abstain from sex and verbal communication
for 3 years, 3 months, and 3 days — on a quest to achieve "nirvana."
Sounds like they're on a quest to achieve "marriage." (Neil Berliner &
Jim-Bob Williams)
MEDIA & THE INTERNET
A new Internet addiction rehab center has opened up in Seattle. You'll
know you're addicted to the web if while you're sending an IM to a
MySpace Friend on Facebook, you start to Twitter. (Tim Hunter)
EDUCATION, RELIGION, CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
A registered sex offender in Kentucky is about to be ordained as a
minister. Boy, talk about putting the cart before the horse! (Jake
Novak)
Commonwealth School in Los Angeles tried to tune into President
Obama's speech to schoolkids on the radio to broadcast over the P.A.
system Tuesday. They accidentally played Rush Limbaugh's running
commentary of the speech instead. The kids came home that night and
told their parents that forcing them to share their toys was socialism
(Argus Hamilton)
The University of Wyoming will name a center for international
students after Dick Cheney. It's got some unique features. Electricity
will be circulated through foreign detainees. (Alan Ray)
A survey conducted by research company Opinion Health on 1,000 women
aged 18 to 50 living in Great Britain shows that one in five of them
believe that Saran Wrap and chicken skin will serve as an effective
substitute for a condom during unscheduled sex. (Bob Mills)
HOLIDAYS, HISTORY & OTHER NEWS
Labor Day is Monday. Labor Day, of course, is the day that we set
aside to remember when people used to have jobs. (Jimmy Fallon)
Labor Day. A calendaric conundrum. A day we celebrate what it is we do
for a living by taking the day off from work. That is so us. (Will
Durst)
Today is Labor Day. Throughout history, the American laborer has
really paid his dues. Because if he doesn't, the union boss will break
his thumbs. (Alan Ray)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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