Foundit: Hilariously Serious: 2009-08-09

Saturday, August 15, 2009

[FunOnTheNet] Hanging Trains - Germany

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[FunOnTheNet] Re: Puzzle !! How much she loses ???

Your story is not clear you should give names to the women instead of just calling them "woman" or "she"

If the seller sent her child to the store to get change then the seller lost "500 and 200 worth of cloth" or else she is selling stolen cloth that did not cost her anything.

On Sat, Aug 15, 2009 at 7:06 AM, nabilahmed95 <nabilahmed95@undisclosedrecipient.com> wrote:

There is a woman who sells cloths at her home. One day a woman comes to her home to buy cloths. She buys cloths worth Rs. 200/- and gives her a Rs. 500/- Note. As she does not have change therfore she sends her child to a nearby shop to get the change. The child returns with the change and she gives her the cloth along with Rs. 300/-. Soon after she has gone the shopkeeper of the nearby shop comes to her home and demands Rs. 500/- saying that the note which was give to him was not genuine. She somehow gives his Rs. 500/-
Now tell how much she loses ???

Answer :

She loses Rs. 500/- overall.

1. She gives cloth worth Rs. 200/- along with Rs. 300/- and she keeps Rs. 200/- with her. At this stage She does not either gains or loses anything.
2. When the shopkeeper comes she gives Rs. 500/- to him , thats the real loss to her.

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[FunOnTheNet] she lost more than 500

she lost rs.500 and a piece of cloth the sale value of which was 200 so the total loss is rs.700.

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[JoannasJokes] Health Care

The American Medical Association has polled its members on the health
care plans being debated by Congress.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not
to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians
said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up
to the assholes in Washington.

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[FunOnTheNet] World's Deepest Swimming Pool!

Hi,

Nemo 33 is a recreational diving center in Brussels, Belgium that is home to the world's deepest swimming pool.

The pool itself consists of a submerged structure with flat platforms at various depth levels.

See it here - http://www.funonthenet.in/articles/deepest-swimming-pool.html

Good Day!

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[FunOnTheNet] PARVATHI MELTON. (new pics)

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[FunOnTheNet] Jukebox

Thought you might like some of these songs....

Click on name on jukebox and then scroll to the song you want to hear and click!

Annette Funichello	Anne Murray	Aretha Franklin	Barbara Streisand
Beach Boys	Beatles	Billy Joel	Bobby Bare
Bobby Darin	Bobby Vee	Bobby Vinton	Booker T & The MG's
Bobby Goldsboro	Brenda Lee	Brian Hyland	Buckinghams
Buddy Holly	The Carpenters	Charlie Pride	Charlie Rich
Connie Francis	Credence Clearwater Revival	Crystal Gayle	Dean Martin
Dion	Dionne Warwick	Donna Fargo	The Doors
The Drifters	Duane Eddy	Dusty Springfield	The Eagles
Eddy Arnold	Elton John	Everly Brothers	Freddie Cannon
The Four Freshmen	Frankie Laine	The Four Tops	Herb Alpert
Herman's Hermits	The Hollies	Ike & Tina Turner	The Ink Spots
The Isley Brothers	Jan & Dean	Jay & The Americans	Jim Croce
Johnny & The Hurricanes	Johnny Mathis	Johnny Rivers	The Kingston Trio
The Kinks	Kitty Wells	Leslie Gore	Lou Christy
Dean Martin	Marty Robbins	Mel Carter	Nancy Sinatra
Nat King Cole	Neil Diamond	New Seekers	Neil Sedaka
The Orlons	Paul Anka	Patsy Cline	Peter & Gordon
Peter Paul & Mary	Percy Faith	Ray Charles	Ronnie Milsap
Ricky Nelson	Roger Miller	Rosemary Clooney	Roy Orbison
Ray Price	Sam Cooke	Skeeter Davis	Four Seasons
Del Shannon	Smokey Robinson	Steve Lawrence	Slim Whitman
Tom Jones	The Union Gap	the Ventures	Webb Pierce
Young Rascals

Joni James	Lovin' Spoonful	Rolling Stones	Tommy Roe
Bread

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[FunOnTheNet] Joke !! Insurance policy seller vs. husband

An Insurance Company representative was selling insurnace policies. He was telling a man about the benefits of the insurance policy. The Man asks him immediately with excitement :
" what will i get if my wife dies right after i have purchased this policy ".

The policy seller replys seriously " You will get 10 years of imprisonment ."

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[FunOnTheNet] Puzzle !! How much she loses ???

There is a woman who sells cloths at her home. One day a woman comes to her home to buy cloths. She buys cloths worth Rs. 200/- and gives her a Rs. 500/- Note. As she does not have change therfore she sends her child to a nearby shop to get the change. The child returns with the change and she gives her the cloth along with Rs. 300/-. Soon after she has gone the shopkeeper of the nearby shop comes to her home and demands Rs. 500/- saying that the note which was give to him was not genuine. She somehow gives his Rs. 500/-
Now tell how much she loses ???

Answer :

She loses Rs. 500/- overall.

1. She gives cloth worth Rs. 200/- along with Rs. 300/- and she keeps Rs. 200/- with her. At this stage She does not either gains or loses anything.
2. When the shopkeeper comes she gives Rs. 500/- to him , thats the real loss to her.

------------------------------------

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[JoannasJokes] WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-15-09

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-15-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Rick Patino admits that he was drinking, had sex, and paid for an
abortion for a woman accused of trying to extort $10 million from him.
In other words, he was preparing his players for the NBA. (Jerry Wolski)

Dick Cheney now says that he was "frustrated" with George W. Bush.
Well, so much for all those who say our former V. P. is out of touch
with the country? (Janice Hough)

Michael Vick has signed a deal with the Philadelphia Beagles, err,
Eagles. Eagles opponents are now brushing up on their mad dog blitzing
schemes. To clarify, Michael Vick will be playing for the NFL
Philadelphia Eagles, not the band. The Eagles band expressed less
interest in Vick than the band Three Dog Night. (Alex Kaseberg)

Nancy Pelosi compared foes of health care reform to Hitler, which
prompted Rush Limbaugh to compare Barack Obama to Hitler. They sound
like toddlers. Sometimes you just want to pat them both on the head
and say if they behave they can both be Hitler. (Argus Hamilton)

Ryan O'Neal apologized for hitting on his own daughter, saying that he
would do the honorable thing like Woody Allen and marry her. (Andy
Borowitz)

Beginning in September, a department store in London will begin
serving "The Sex Pistol", a "Viagra" ice cream packed with ginkgo
biloba and guarana, guaranteed to boost your libido. It will be served
in a 12-inch cup. (Jerry Perisho)

I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and
push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and
laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true.
(Eric Presbrey)

If the President announced a plan to cure cancer, the Republican
headline response would be "Obama plans to put thousands of doctors
out of work." (Janice Hough)

Congressional testimony and e-mails now show that Karl Rove and others
played an early and active role in the 2006 firings of dozens of U.S.
Attorneys, making Rove a hero to millions of Americans who never
believed they'd ever see lawyers get fired by anyone. (Jake Novak)

The President of ABC in under fire because he said Paula Abdul is a
huge talent and if Fox doesn't want her, ABC "would love to get a
piece of that." (Alex Kaseberg)

Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the
second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think
it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in
the face. (Jimmy Fallon)

NATIONAL HEALTH CARE

President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan now to senior
citizens. And yesterday, at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd
that he will not "pull the plug on Grandma." Then, there was an
awkward moment when Grandpa stood up and booed. (Conan O'Brien)

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized
medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless,
vampire bastards making money off human pain.' (Bill Maher)

Encouraged by their ability to disrupt a week's worth of town hall
meetings on health care, Republican organizers have secured the
services of a Hollywood casting director to conduct a nationwide
talent search for angry assholes. Carol Foyler, who has stocked
numerous Hollywood films with angry mobs for crowd scenes, says that
she is looking for people who are "willing to shout and scream and get
red in the face with no provocation." (Andy Borowitz)

President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the
government gets to decide whether to "pull the plug on Grandma."
Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.
(Conan O'Brien)

And now, there's actual fist-fights that are breaking out in the town
hall meetings. And I have to say this, if you get injured while
fighting against health care, you have to lie there and bleed. You
just do. I'm sorry. (Bill Maher)

You know who really is opposed to the Obama healthcare plan? The
Republicans. Apparently it does not cover breast implants for their
mistresses so they think, "We don't want it. We don't need
it.'" (David Letterman)

Over the past week, congressmen have been holding town hall meetings
across the country. They've been disrupted by angry protesters who are
against Obama's new healthcare plan. And things could have gotten
violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt. So, it was very peaceful
protesting. (Jimmy Fallon)

The focus was on the national healthcare plan that is working through
Congress. He needed to made a strong case tonight - 50% are in favor
of the universal healthcare and the other 50% have coverage." --Jimmy
Kimmel

I saw a thing on YouTube, a town hall meeting in Little Rock,
Arkansas. And a woman from Brockside, Arkansas, stood up. She was
weeping about the threat of socialism. You know what, lady, Brockside,
Arkansas, doesn't have capitalism yet. Your idea of health care is
leeches and moonshine and you're worried about socialism? Oh, Lord.
(Bill Maher)

President Obama held a Q & A session about healthcare reform with
senior citizens over the Internet. Unfortunately, the senior citizens
spent the entire hour typing questions into their microwave ovens.
(Conan O'Brien)

The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign
against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found
a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered
a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their
girlfriends. (Jimmy Kimmel)

We're learning more and more about Obama's healthcare plan, and if it
passes, the healthcare plan, if that passes, President Obama will have
the governor of South Carolina neutered. Did you realize that? (David
Letterman)

It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is
going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too
confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who
say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech. (Bill Maher)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Vice President Joe Biden and his wife Jill are in Kiawah Island, South
Carolina, for a week-long vacation. They're saying it's the most
relaxing vacation Obama has ever had. (Jimmy Fallon)

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is promising that if health care reform is
pased, "no one will ever have to declare bankruptcy because of medical
bills again"... great news for everyone who smokes a carton of
cigarettes and eats 10 Big Macs a day. (Jake Novak)

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya for a trade summit on Thursday when a
Nairobi man offered her forty goats and forty cows for Chelsea's hand
in marriage. Of course she wouldn't consider it. One more goat in the
family is the last thing Hillary needs. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

During his weekly radio address, President Obama said we've finally
begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news.
Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors. (-Jimmy Fallon)

The number of foreclosures hit a record high in July... as thousands
of angry Americans flocked to health care town halls and forgot to pay
their mortgages. (Jake Novak)

A government report says that it costs nearly a quarter million
dollars to raise a child from birth to 17 years old. And that is just
the cost of video games and cell phone service. (Jim Barach)

THE CONGRESS

John Edwards will apparently admit he is the father of his ex-
mistress's baby. Should we be surprised? He was late in deciding to
pull out of Iraq too. (Janice Hough)

Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced he's
stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, "I'm sick of the other
Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a
chimichanga." (Conan O'Brien)

THE COURTS

Now that Sonia Sotomayor has joined the Supreme Court, one third of
the justices are now from New York City. This explains why the
customary opening of a court session has changed from "All rise" to
"Hey, I'm judging over here!" (Conan O'Brien)

THE STATES

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill that will ban gold miners
from using gas-powered tools to look for gold in rivers. Once again,
it's Arnold versus the machines. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Jenny Sanford, the wife of the South Carolina governor has moved out
of the governor's mansion. We don't know where she moved to, but we're
pretty sure it wasn't South America. Actually, she didn't tell her
husband she was moving out. She told him she was going on a long hike.
(Tim Hunter)

California Attorney General Jerry Brown proposed a thirteen percent
flat tax to fix the U.S. economy. He has his motives. It will really
help California tourism when every woman in the state gets breast
implants to avoid paying a flat tax. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

A Pennsylvania man was convicted for groping Minnie Mouse at Disney
World. He apologized and claimed he was just being goofy. (Pedro Bartes)

At an Oregon A.T.M. machine a mouse had built a nest out of $20 bills.
This may not be a bad thing - the last time a mouse built a nest out
of money it was called Disneyland. (Doug Austen)

THE REPUBLICANS

Taking a page from the Sarah Palin playbook, all 219 Republicans in
Congress quit today, effective immediately. "We believe we can do more
to help this country outside of the government," said former House
Minority Leader John Boehner, who was holding a 4-iron. "Because, like
Sarah said, fish have to swim and stuff. You betcha." (William K.
Wolfrum)

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People
say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy.
Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of
those books that's all words. (Conan O'Brien)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Betsey Wright, former chief-of-staff for Bill Clinton when he was
governor of Arkansashas been charged with attempting to smuggle 48
tattoo needles to a condemned prisoner waiting to die on Arkansas's
death row. The inmate told reporters he just wanted to make sure that
he had "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" printed across his chest. (Bob Mills)

In an unbelievably daring heist, three men, dressed impeccably, walked
into a London jewelry store and swiped $65 million worth of precious
gems. In a related story, today the Democrats announced they finally
secured the down payment to finance their health care plan. (Frank King)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers began searching for World War I
chemical weapons buried in Washington D.C. The diggers halted work
when they found mustard gas in a flask. Even ninety years ago people
brought their own refreshments to football games. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Earlier today, President Obama met with the Mexican president, Felipe
Calderon, and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the
Mexican president's home, which, by the way, is now in Los Angeles.
(Conan O'Brien)

Mexican drug gangs were reported Monday stealing oil from Mexico
pipelines and smuggling the oil across the border. It's easy to
smuggle. They melt the oil down to powder form, then dye the powder
white, and the border patrol just waves it through. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

A reverend married two horses at a pub in England. It was like any
other wedding, the groom had a very long face. They all hope their
marriage will be "stable." (Pedro Bartes)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

A Russian woman was arrested after she threw a ceramic coffee cup at
the Mona Lisa in Paris; she did not damage the painting. Luckily, a
Mets scout saw the entire episode and signed her to a multi-year
contract as a reliever. Excuse me, Olga, but it might be time to
switch to decaf. (Jerry Perisho)

AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

Mourners at two open-coffin viewings found they were grieving for
strangers after a funeral company mix-up. Victoria Funerals, which
specialises in serving Melbourne's Greek community, said it was
mortified at the error. (The Melbourne Age)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Doctors say propofol, the drug reportedly at the center of the Michael
Jackson death investigation, is only to be used outside of operating
rooms in extreme cases … like when Keith Richards stubs a toe. (Todd
Long)

Officials of the American Psychological Association have warned their
150,000 member psychologists and mental health workers that gay
patients should never be advised that they can change their sexual
orientation by undergoing certain therapies. Some religious
fundamentalists had suggested that gays could be made "straight"
through a combination of prayer and lifestyle changes, that included
destroying Liza Mannelli, Bette Midler and Broadway show tune albums
and avoiding mens' restrooms frequented by Sen. Larry Craig. (Bob Mills)

Almost 3000 people in 8 different states will receive the experimental
swine flu shot before the general public does this fall. Those states
are Texas, Ohio, Georgia, Washington, Iowa, Maryland, Missouri and
Tennessee. Well good; if we start a huge epidemic, at least we've
spread it evenly across the country. (Jerry Perisho)

According to scientists in Spain drinking beer regularly could stop
bones from going brittle. It is perfect, so I can drink and drive and
don't feel that scared because I have superbones. (Pedro Bartes)

The London Mirror identified a Florida doctor who began giving Michael
Jackson Depo Provera ten years ago. The drug is used to suppress
aberrant sexual behavior. If they put it in the water coolers on
Capitol Hill, it could save a lot of careers. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Manny Ramirez and the Los Angeles Dodgers are coming to San Francisco
for the first time since his 50 day suspension for a female fertility
drug. In Manny's honor, all ice cream vendors will also be giving out
free pickles. (Janice Hough)

LeBron James has admitted he smoked marijuana in high school. The
national group, People Shocked By That, will be meeting tonight in a
Volkswagen Beetle front seat. (Greg Cote)

After the Rangers released pitcher Vicente Padilla, tied for the major-
league lead with 49 hit batters over the past three seasons: "Would
the Cash for Clunkers program cover a used pitcher who has trouble
steering his pitches?" (David Thomas)

One thing that caught my attention is — why is it all Dominicans that
all of a sudden come out positive (for using performance-enhansing
drugs in 2003)? The last one standing may be me. What's going on
here? Why is it I'm the only one left standing? All of a sudden, they
are going to come up and say, "Pedro, too." That's when I'm going to
start stripping my clothes and showing everybody I've never had acne
on my back. If I did use it, it didn't help me, They need to give my
money back. It didn't work. (Pedro Martinez)

A Cubs fan was arrested at Wrigley Field after throwing a beer on
Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino. Say what you want about New York
but this would never happen at Yankee Stadium. Beer is far too
expensive. (Janice Hough)

Glenn Donnellan, a violinist with the National Symphony Orchestra,
played the national anthem at Saturday's Nationals game — on a Derek
Jeter-model baseball bat he retrofitted a while back. "They asked me
to play the electric violin for a young person's concert in Arkansas,"
Donnellan, 39, told the Washington Times. "There wasn't an electric
violin available, so I tried to make one. A bat was something that
came to mind that was halfway toward a violin. "Once I got the bat and
looked at it, I didn't really need to change anything. I haven't
changed anything on the bat except for punching holes in it with
drills." (Dwight Perry)

At a recent Nationals-Diamondbacks game, a violinist played the
National Anthem on a violin made from a bat. The crowd went wild. Nats
and Dbacks fans are thrilled to see ANYONE do something useful with a
bat. (Janice Hough)

Chicago Blackhawks star, Patrick Kane, was arrested for beating a
Buffalo cab driver because he didn't have 20 cents change for Kane.
Kane brings an entirely new and ugly meaning to cheapskate. (Alex
Kaseberg)

On British boxer Rob Newbiggin, 44, undergoing a sex change because he
believes he can earn more as a female boxer: "If it works out, brace
yourself for aging heavyweight Eleanor Holyfield." (Brad Dickson)

Just had a terrible nightmare, I'm stuck in an elevator with Doc
Ellis, Doc Gooden, Dr. Dre, Darrell 'Dr. Dunkenstein' Griffith and
Julius Erving. I have a heart attack, and nobody has a clue how to
help me. (Scott Ostler)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

A hacker attack shut down Twitter Thursday. The hacker was really
depressed when he realized nobody was going to know about it because
he couldn't twitter it. (Pedro Bartes)

Twitter was shut down and Facebook slowed down by a computer hacker
last Thursday. For two hours, people were actually cut off from the
world except for access by telephone and conversation. (Tim Hunter)

Sara Morishige Williams, wife of Twitter co-founder Evan Williams kept
family, friends and followers up to date with the birth of her child
using her husband's micro-blogging service. In 140-word dispatches,
she reported her hospital check-in procedure, the breaking of her
water and even her request for an epidural. There has been no
confirmation of persistent rumors that she's actually sitting on an
egg. (Bob Mills)

Popular online messenger Twitter on which Paula Abdul announced her
resignation this week was attacked by a hacker and underwent a
worldwide shutdown for several hours on Thursday. While still seeking
the cause of the failure, Twitter's cyber investigators told reporters
that, while they've been unable to trace the source of the sudden
outage, they have interrogated 140 suspicious characters.

CELEBRITIES

Don't hit on women at your wife's funeral, especially if you're their
dad. Vanity Fair reports that Ryan O'Neal accidentally tried to pick
up his daughter, Tatum, at Farrah Fawcett's funeral. Giving a whole
new meaning to the line, "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?" You
know, when you see family at a funeral, think "bury the hatchet," not
"hide the salami." (Bill Maher)

Squeaky Fromme was ordered out of prison this week after thirty-four
years. The Charles Manson disciple shot at President Ford. She's out
because the parole board ruled she is the only woman who can replace
Paula Abdul on American Idol. (Argus Hamilton)

During the Teen Choice Awards last night, 16-Year-old Miley Cyrus
danced around a stripper pole on top of an ice-cream cart wearing
short shorts, a tank top, and biker boots; she said of the routine,
"This represents where I come from." Which apparently is not from
Catholic school. (Jerry Perisho)

Scores gentleman's club in New York's manager Ed Norwick slammed Miley
Cyrus's pole dance on TV Monday as age-inappropriate. His strip club
is a familiar address. That's because two hundred politicians list it
as a second residence for tax purposes. (Argus Hamilton)

Paula Abdul has announced she is leaving "American Idol". She was
reportedly offered $10 Million a season and said it wasn't enough. If
anyone thought she didn't have a problem with prescription meds
before, that decision should pretty much put an end to that.
Apparently she was angered that host Ryan Seacrest will be making more
money than she. Not only that, he was also given a larger budget for
hair care and manicures as well. (Jim Barach)

Paula Abdul, discussing her plans with reporters, said reality was not
in her future. (Andy Borowitz)

Paula Abdul ended her eight-year run as a judge on American Idol
Tuesday. It was devastating for the nation's pharmaceutical industry.
With her departure plus the death of Michael Jackson, they've lost
their weekly free ad and their biggest customer. (Argus Hamilton)

Anyone surprised cocaine was a factor in pitchman, Billy Mays's,
death? How else can a guy get so excited about cleaning up a mess?
(Alex Kaseberg)

Olympic swimming star Michael Phelps collided with another car while
driving in Baltimore last night. Phelps says he was just trying to
push off before making a turn. (Jake Novak)

Bob Dylan will release a new album of Christmas songs this fall. It
includes a track that's sure to become a Christmas classic, "Everybody
Must Get Nogged. (Jerry Perisho)

Britney Spears won a lifetime achievement award at the Teen Choice
awards. Mostly because at this point it's an achievement that she's
still alive. (Janice Hough)

Nearly a week after Aerosmith's lead singer Steven Tyler fell off the
stage at a South Dakota concert, his current medical condition is
still a mystery. His hospital currently lists several possible
conditions for rock stars: "Stable," "Serious," "Critical," and "Keith
Richards." (Jake Novak)

Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of "Who
Wants To Be a Millionaire." But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been
re-titled "Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000." (Jimmy Fallon)

EDUCATION

The Detroit Public School System reportedly lost millions of dollars
in waste and fraud. Apparently they took it to heart when they were
told to run the schools like a business. Who do they think they are,
one of the Big Three automakers? (Jim Barach)

Archaeologists believed that they have found the birthplace of
Vespasian, the Roman Emperor who built the Colosseum.They've narrowed
it down to two hospitals in Honolulu. (Bill Littlejohn)

Gym class injuries in schools are up 150% in the past ten years. This
has shocked educators across the country. Schools still have gym
class? (Jim Barach)

RELIGION

Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an
older religion than Christianity? That's right. Half of America looks
at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament, and cannot
figure out which one came first. (Bill Maher)

More and more churches have been advertising to bring folks back into
the fold. The most popular campaign is being conducted by the
Methodist Church, which is offering a "cash for clunkers" $4,500 award
for people who turn in their secular relatives. (Jake Novak)

HISTORY

What a year, Rod Blagojevich, Sarah Palin, now Mel Martinez. And
lesser-known others. Is it about time to rework the standard oath of
office in the United States. Suggested new text: "and that I will well
and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about
to enter, until I decide that I feel like doing something else, or
unless I get indicted." (Janice Hough)

BUSINESS & LABOR

President Obama tried to make a point about private companies and the
government providing the same service. He said UPS and FedEx are doing
fine, it's the post office that's always having problems. He does have
a point, you never hear about some crazed worker getting a gun and
going UPS or FedEx on everyone. (Alex Kaseberg)

A friend of mine demonstrated some new software on his I-phone that
allows him to make bank deposits by taking pictures of checks. Can the
I-Proctologist be far behind? (Tim Hunter)

Yesterday, G.M. announced they'll be releasing a car that gets 230
miles a gallon. And today, Nissan said their new car's going to get
367 miles a gallon. It's crazy. In a related story, Toyota just
announced their new car will get 500 miles per gallon, plant rain
forests, and give birth to endangered pandas. So, that's the one you
want. (Conan O'Brien)

General Motors unveiled its Chevy Volt in Detroit on Tuesday. They say
it only uses forty cents of electricity a night. This isn't a problem
until they tell you they are pulling the plug on grandpa so that there
is enough electricity to go around. (Argus Hamilton)

On Nissan developing a car that gets 367 miles per gallon: It's called
the Nissan Fred Flintstone. (Conan O'Brien)

One day after GM's claim that its new electric car – the Chevy Volt –
would get 230 miles per gallon, Nissan announced that its electric car
– the Leaf – can achieve 367 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Hummer
announced it has installed larger gas tanks so you can now make it to
the store and back without stopping to fill up. (Jerry Perisho)

Radio Shack is changing its name to "The Shack". Mostly because young
people keep walking into the stores asking what a radio is? (Jim Barach)

Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com

------------------------------------

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[FunOnTheNet] Just a quick hello (cool link)

For a quicker hello, just say Hi. lol.

http://www.angelrays.com/greetingcards/hello.html

Jeets

Enjoy the little things

for one day you may look back

and realize they were the

big things

__,_._,_

--
Thankx & Regards,
U r s... (¨`· Jeets
¨`·.·´¨) Always
`·.¸(¨`·.·´¨) Keep
(¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´ Smiling!
`·.¸.·´
(¨`·.·´¨) (¨`·.·´¨)
`·.¸(¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´
`·.¸.·
«*:·.
.·:*
*:·.
*«*:·.
.·:*
Thanx & Regards,
Jeetu Shah
Cell -

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Friday, August 14, 2009

[JoannasJokes] COOKIE RECIPE: Pineapple Nut Cookies

Pineapple Nut Cookies

1 pkg. white cake mix
1/2 c. soft butter
3 tbsp. water
2 eggs
1 c. drained, crushed pineapple
1/4 c. chopped walnuts

Heat oven to 375 degrees F.

Empty half of the cake mix into a bowl and add butter, water and eggs.
Blend well. Add balance of cake mix and beat until smooth. Blend in
pineapple and nuts. Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls onto a greased
baking sheet. Bake for 12 minutes.

Recipe Source: A L I A Cooking Corner yahoo group, submitted by Jackie Austin.

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[JoannasJokes] Use this in life ...

Use... This... In... Life

Talk-------------Softly

Walk--------------Humbly

Eat-----------------Sensibly

Breathe------------------Deeply

Sleep--------------------Sufficiently

Dress-------------------------Smartly

Act-----------------------------Fearlessly

Work-------------------------------Patiently

Think---------------------------------Truthfully

Believe----------------------------------Correctly

Behave---------------------------------------Decently

Learn-------------------------------------------Practically

Plan---------------------------------------------------Orderly

Earn--------------------------------------------------------Honestly

Save--------------------------------------------------------Regularly

Spend---------------------------------------------------Intelligently

Love-----------------------------------------------------Passionately

ENJOY------------------------------------------------------COMPLETELY

Have a great day !!!!!!!

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[JoannasJokes] COOKIE RECIPE: Margarita Cookies

Margarita Cookies
Adapted from Dorie Greenspan's Sablés au Citron

Makes about 50 cookies

2 sticks (8 ounces; 230 grams) unsalted butter, at room temperature
2/3 cup (70 grams) confectioners' sugar, sifted
2 large egg yolks, at room temperature
Pinch of salt
2 teaspoons tequila
Grated zest of 2 limes
Grate zest of half an orange
2 cups (280 grams) all-purpose flour

Coating:
Approximately 1/2 cup clear sanding or other coarse sugar
2 teaspoons flaky Maldon sea salt*

1. Put the butter in the bowl of a mixer fitted with the paddle attachment and beat at medium speed until it is smooth. Add the sifted confectioners' sugar and beat again until the mixture is smooth and silky. Beat in 1 of the egg yolks, followed by the salt, tequila, grated lime and orange zest. Reduce the mixer speed to low and add the flour, beating just until it disappears. It is better to underbeat than overbeat at this point; if the flour isn't fully incorporated, that's ok–just blend in whatever remaining flour needs blending with a rubber spatula. Turn the dough out onto a counter, gather it into a ball, and divide it in half. Wrap each piece of dough in plastic wrap and refrigerate for about 30 minutes.

2. Working on a smooth surface, form each piece of dough into a log that is about 1 to 1 1/4 inches (2.5 to 3.2 cm) thick. (Get the thickness right, and the length you end up with will be fine.) Wrap the logs in plastic and chill for 2 hours. (The dough can be wrapped airtight and kept refrigerated for up to 3 days or stored in the freezer for up to 1 month.)

3. Position the racks to divide the oven into thirds and preheat the oven to 350°F (180°C). Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.

4. While the oven is preheating, work on the sugar coating: Whisk the remaining egg yolk in a small bowl until it is smooth and liquid enough to use as a glaze. Mix the coarse sugar and flaky salt well and spread the mixture out on a piece of wax paper. Remove the logs of dough from the refrigerator, unwrap them, and brush them lightly with a little egg yolk. Roll the logs in the sugar, pressing the sugar/salt mixture gently to get it to stick if necessary, then, using a sharp slender knife, slice each log into cookies about 1/4 inch (7 mm) thick. [Deb note: To get the sugar/salt mixture to stick better, I moved the log over to a piece of plastic wrap, and in the sort of technique you'd see a sushi chef use to shape a roll, use the plastic to press the sugar in by wrapping it tightly.] (You can make the cookies thicker if you'd like; just bake them longer.) Place the cookies on the lined baking sheets, leaving about 1/2 inch (1.5 cm) space between them.

5. Bake the cookies for 12 to 14 minutes, or until they are set but not browned. (It's fine if the yolk-brushed edges brown a smidgen.) Transfer the cookies to cooling racks to cool to room temperature.

Keeping: Packed airtight, the cookies will keep for about 5 days at room temperature. Because the sugar coating will melt, these cookies are not suitable for freezing.

* Updated to add that if you should choose to use regular table salt and not Maldon, use less! Much less. Probably half or less. Because Maldon has such volume, the equivalent amount of a finer salt would be much more pungent.

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[JoannasJokes] COOKIE RECIPE: Key Lime Meltaways

Key Lime Meltaways
Adapted from Martha Stewart

You can make these with regular limes as well, but if you run into some key limes, they're worth it. Trust me and my resident lime addict.

You could also keep the logs frozen for up to two months, and use them as the meltaway craving hits.

Yield: 5 dozen

12 tablespoons (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup confectioners' sugar
Grated zest of 4 tiny or 2 large key limes
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
1 3/4 cup plus 2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour (a.k.a. 2 cups minus 2 tablespoons)
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon salt

1. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the whisk attachment, cream butter and 1/3 cup sugar until fluffy. Add lime zest, juice, and vanilla; beat until fluffy.

2. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, cornstarch, and salt. Add to butter mixture, and beat on low speed until combined.

3. Between two 8-by-12-inch pieces of parchment paper, roll dough into two 1 1/4-inch-diameter logs. Chill at least 1 hour.

4. Heat oven to 350 degrees. Line two baking sheets with parchment. Place remaining 2/3 cup sugar in a resealable plastic bag. Remove parchment from logs; slice dough into 1/4-inch-thick rounds. Place rounds on baking sheets, spaced 1 inch apart.

5. Bake cookies until barely golden, about 15 minutes. Transfer cookies to a wire rack to cool slightly, just three or four minutes. While still warm, place cookies in the sugar-filled bag; toss to coat. Bake or freeze remaining dough. Store baked cookies in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks.

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[FunOnTheNet] Las Vegas - Entertainment Capital of the World!

Hi,

Las Vegas (Spanish: "The Meadows") is the most populous city in the state of Nevada, the seat of Clark County, and an internationally renowned major resort city for the gaming industry, shopping, and entertainment. Las Vegas, billed as The Entertainment Capital of the World, is famous for the number of large casino resorts and their associated entertainment.

See pix here - http://www.funonthenet.in/articles/las-vegas.html

Good Day!

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[FunOnTheNet] Happy Independance Day

Happy Independence Day

(A tribute to the Real Heroes who sacrificed their Lives for Freedom)

Vande Mataram

Fresh Update! ( www.funonthenet.in ) :

Join FunOnTheNet! Voted as the BEST Group!

Join Us by Email | Remove your Email | Join from Web | Visit Yahoo! Group | Visit Website

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[JoannasJokes] Zen Judaism

Zen Judaism

The Eightfold Way of the Buddha requires Right Understaning, Right
Thought, Right Speech. Right Action, Right Livelyhood, Right Effort,
Right Mindfullness, Right Concentration, and Right Worship Of Your
Mother. Actually, that's nine, but is the last one really asking too
much?

If you wish to know the way, Don't ask for directions. Argue.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a
life without problems. What would you talk about.

Abandom false dichotomies, There is no distinction between "self" and
"non-self," "interior" and "exterior." The universe is one. You are
all there is. Ask your mother.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second,
satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

Attaining Nirvana can take eons, One might have to make countless
journeys through the karmic cycle of birth, suffering, death, and
rebirth. You should only live so long.

The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thy self." The Buddha says there
is no "self." So maybe you are off the hook.

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and
flesh dry up and whither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir
until you have attained fullEnlightenment. But first, a little nosh.

The enlightened monk attains permanent liberation—Nirvana, The
unenlightened returns again and again to the wheel of suffering.
Infinite deaths, infinite rebirths, infinite circumcisions.

The Buddha taught that one should practise lovingkindness to all
satient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice satient who
happens to be Jewish?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness, And then what
do you have? Bupkes.

Even the Zen hermit who dwells on a remote mountain crag amid the
clouds, subsiding on roots and berries as vultures circle, should keep
a coffee ring handy. What if company drops by?

Go then, and wander for the good of the many, for the welfare of the
many, out of compassion for the world, for the benefit and happiness
of gods and men. Teach the Dharma that is good in the beginning, good
in the middle, and good in the end. And don't forget to write. And
always wear clean underwear. You never know when you could end up in
the emergency room.

By David M. Bader from his book "Zen Judaism For You A Little
Enlightenment" (Harmony Press © 2002)

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[JoannasJokes] Jokes for Friday

Pun: An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.

Quote of the Day: The dictionary is the only place where “success” comes before “work.”

Today's One-Liner: I'm not saying the customer service at my bank is bad, but the other day when I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance, she leaned in and pushed me over.

At the rehearsal dinner before my niece's wedding, my brother-in-law toasted the groom's father and thanked him for a wonderful party. Then he offered a toast to the bride and groom, who were "entering a new chapter in their lives."

"After tomorrow, we, too, will be entering a new chapter in our lives," he concluded. "It's called Chapter 11."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Deeana Rask

Usual Suspect

While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?"

"Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.

"Was the area well lit?"

"No. It was pretty dark."

"Then how could you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, "I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."

-- Morrison Lewis, Jr.

Smiles, grins & humor from the files of Reader's Digest!

"At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?" -- Unknown

*-.,,.-*

"When you get married and have a kid, you can't do all those things you wanted to do as a young existentialist of seventeen or eighteen ... like kill yourself." -- Al Rae

*-.,,.-*

"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless." -- Nicholas Chamfort

We all fail sometimes. But there's something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless - and inventive - of students.

* Classical Studies *

Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.

Answer: Learning to speak Latin

* Biology *

Question: What is a fibula?

Answer: A little lie

* Classical Studies *

Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?

Answer: Suspicious ones

* Biology *

Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.

Answer: Early death

* Biology *

Question: What is a plasmid?

Answer: A high definition television

* Religious Studies *

Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?

Answer: Monotony

* Physics *

Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.

Answer: Fire

* Geography *

Question: What does the term "lava" mean?

Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

* Geography *

Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?

Answer: Malaria

* Geography *

Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.

Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

* History *

Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

Answer: At the bottom.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks

into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Above three received from Clean Laffs

Wedding Organist

Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her on organ and him singing.

During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me."

Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn:

"Shackled by a heavy burden..."

Received from Robert and GCFL.

Answering machine message 75

Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

The One I Want to Marry

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiancé, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

Received from Steve's Just for Grins

NAME CHANGE

Because of the climate of political correctness now pervading America, those of us in

KENTUCKY will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES.

We ask that you now refer to us as BLUEGRASS AMERICANS .

Thank you!

Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.

Received from TomK.

Love and Marriage, By Kids ...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

And The #1 Response Was...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

Received from Joke-of-the-Day.com

Q & A

Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?

A. Limp biscuit

Received from aJokeADay.com

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam and has to repeat a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a daily wage laborer who has eight kids to feed.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask someone who is on his deathbed.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who has missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.

Treasure every moment you have ...

[forwarded by Lis Etchell]

*-.,,.-*

When's the best time to plant a tree? 15 years ago. When's the second-best time? Today.

Received from Mikey's Funnies

Man Talks to God

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

Received from Beliefnet.com. BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them.

Here's one from the Lone Star state. It seems a couple of local boys stumbled upon the construction site of a new jail in a little West Texas town. Not being ones to pass up an opportunity to play "cops and robbers" they broke into the unfinished building and promptly locked themselves up in one of the cells. It was six hours later before the duo were discovered, and then a locksmith had to open the door since the keys had not yet been made. Police said they wouldn't press trespassing charges due to time served.

Received from Kara and Teddi's Humor

q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine." -- Rita Rudner

*-.,,.-*

"Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster." -- Quentin Crisp

*-.,,.-*

"Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new." -- Henry David Thoreau

b i t s . n . b o b s

^^^^^^^^^^^

The Five Stages of Drunk:

Provided as a public service, you don't have to experience these stages yourself, at least not all of them!

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Above two received from The Mouthpiece

Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Noah really road out the flood in North America. When he had safely landed and discharged all the animals and his family members, he thought he'd name the spot where they settled after what little they had left. What did he name the place?

Ark an’ Saw

(Chris Papa)

*-.,,.-*

What was Noah's occupation?

Naval ARKitech

(James Ertner)

*-.,,.-*

While taking most animals on the ark, Noah avoided taking insects because of the problems they might bring to the other animals. A pair of one type of insects was able to sneak onto the ark, and bred extensively, becoming even more virulent. What is the name we now call this disease carrying insect?

Ark Tic.

(Stan Kegel)

*-.,,.-*

What would Noah's occupation have been if he had scientifically studied the material remains of all the animals that he saved?

ARKeologist.

(Jim Ertner)

*-.,,.-*

Who kept watch over Noah throughout his journey?

An Ark Angel

(Cynthia MacGregor)

*-.,,.-*

One of Noah's son's was a Sheriff. What did they call his jail?

Ham Stir

(Chris Papa)

*-.,,.-*

Why would Noah have made a good financial investor?

He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated.

(James Ertner)

Received Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

We often care for our 2-and-a-half-year-old granddaughter so her parents can have a night out. Before putting her to bed we go through the usual nighttime ritual and encourage her to go potty. One night, after she was successful, I praised her. She promptly replied, “Potty Freak! Potty Freak!” It was so cute I shared her response with my wife. The next day I of course also told my daughter how cute it was that Sidney had called herself a “Potty Freak.”

“Oh,” my daughter replied, “She said ‘potty treat’ and just wanted to be rewarded for her success!”

— C.R.L.

Q: Why Are Fire Trucks Red?

A: Everyone knows that fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men. 4 and 8 make 12. There are twelve inches in a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth, a ruler, is the name of one of the largest ships on the seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and Russians are red and fire trucks are always rushin'. Therefore, fire trucks are red.

Q.E.D.

I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia, we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy.

While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo."

The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy, that the ears would probably grow more in proportion to the rest of him and if they did not they could be easily corrected.

The father was still worried about his wife's reaction to those large, protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could see her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gushed, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"

(From the Archives)

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

When he eventually arrived a half hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young pastor went to the open hole and saw that the vault lid was already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I have never seen nothin' like that!"

Above three received from Daily-Humor

Daily Trivia Question: What sitcom character can be seen wearing a Band-Aid in every episode?

Answer: Les Nessman, WKRP in Cincinnati

DAUGHTER COMPLAINS THAT DAD ONLY HAS EYES FOR GIRLFRIEND

DEAR ABBY: I was 11 when my father left. I'm 16 now and it is still very difficult for my mom and me. Dad was involved in my life until he met his 28-year-old girlfriend. He's 54.

I have told him I'm not comfortable around her and I don't want to be in her company. It's embarrassing when they hold hands and hug in front of me and my friends. I spend one night a week at Dad's and I want him all to myself. Even when I'm there he locks himself in his room and spends all night talking on the phone with her. I have asked him to pay attention to me, but he doesn't get it.

Last year, he told me he "had a dream" that I was going to get a little sister or brother. He asked how I felt about that, and I was honest. I told him thinking about him having sex with a woman so young makes me sick. Dad doesn't see that she's using him for money and a green card. I want him to be discreet and keep his private life private.

I live with my mom six nights a week, and I think that gives Dad plenty of time to spend with his girlfriend. What can I do to get him to focus on me on our one night a week together? -- MISSES MY DAD IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR MISSES YOUR DAD: Your father's girlfriend may make him feel like he's 16 again, but that isn't an excuse for him to act like it.

You have communicated clearly to him that you need more of his attention than he's giving. The next person to deliver that message should be your mother. Perhaps he will pay more attention if he hears it from another adult.

In two years you will be 18 and gone. The time he has with you now is precious and he should recognize that fact and stop squandering it.

*-.,,.-*

DEAR ABBY: My children are grown and gone. The youngest left more than four years ago. For the last several years I have asked them to remove their stored items from my house, which is still crammed with their stuff I'm not supposed to move.

I have finally scheduled a Dumpster for a two-week period convenient for me and let everyone know they need to "claim it or lose it." One daughter, "Lynette," has decided that because I won't change the dates to suit her schedule -- of which she isn't even sure -- she will consider me "dead" to her.

Obviously this has hurt me deeply. I realize that Lynette thinks the world revolves around her, but don't I have the right to clean out my home at my convenience? Do I owe her more notice, even though most of the items have been here eight to 10 years?

I thought being assertive prevented people from walking all over you. It pains me that my daughter will no longer speak to me. She has also taken steps to keep other family members away as well.

Her older sister says she is overreacting and will come to her senses, but I'm not sure. I'm divorced from her father, so there is little support there. Should I proceed with my plans? -- IN A MESS IN VERMONT

DEAR IN A MESS: Being assertive will prevent people from walking all over you only if you stick to your guns and don't give in to emotional blackmail. Lynette's reaction is calculated to hurt you.

In addition to showing some gratitude for your patience in keeping her old things for so long, she should make it her business to come over and collect those items that are still important to her. But if she chooses to sulk and not cooperate, do not allow her to force you into changing the schedule.

ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as

Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline

Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box

69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Feel free to forward this, in its entirety, to others.

To Subscribe, Unsubscribe or Change Your Email Address for "Today's Jokes", send an email to merk@midstatesd.net and put the necessary instructions in the subject line.

For those that are recommending "Today's Jokes" on their websites or newsletters, please list subscribing information as: Send an email to merk@midstatesd.net and put "Subscribe to Jokes for Today" in the subject line.

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[FunOnTheNet] Cute Girls. (Part Three)

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[FunOnTheNet] Oil Paintings On Canvas.

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Artist Dick Zimmerman will travel to your home
environment or to the location of your choice to design the initial portrait sitting. The sitting will require no longer than five hours. The majority of the time will be spent on design and supervision of the composition, the coordination of the hair and makeup and the wardrobe selection.
The adult subjects will not need to sit longer than one hour, and the children not longer than ten minutes, while Dick Zimmerman takes various photographs that will be used for reference material,
and the foundation for his oil painting

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[JoannasJokes] Jest For Kids 08-14-09

JEST FOR KIDS 08-14-09
Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

RIDDLES

What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?
A stole.

What game do mother hens play with their chicks?
Peck-a–boo

What is a boxer's favorite drink?
Punch.

What did Neptune say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!

Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing

What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross?
A first-aid kit.

How can you prove that a horse has six legs?
A horse has forelegs in front and two behind.

Why did the little moron keep running around his bed?
He was trying to catch up with his sleep.

SCHOOL WORK

Define "Gentile": Ceramic squares in the men's shower rooms

Use "Persuade" in a sentence: I wouldn't wear those shoes. They are
made of very PERSUADE.

Grammar: Enjoy homemade pastries and scones and delicious jams made
from our Pastry Chef.

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

To identify dogs, we agree
That a strap 'round the neck is the key.
Has the owner's last name;
The phone number of same.
This technique is named "collar ID."
(Kirk Miller)

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
they gave me the axe.

I phoned a local delivery company to find out why the parcel our
office had sent from Monroe County to Philadelphia resulted in a
charge of several hundred dollars. Our copy of the bill listed the
correct parcel contents: one personal computer with monitor, keyboard
and mouse. The clerk came back on the line after locating his copy.
"The amount's correct, sir. That's our standard charge for shipping a
live animal."

Coming around the cliff face, the hiker found himself facing a heard
of enraged deer. He was caught between a rock and a hart place. (Sir
F. A. Rien)

Our niece's four-year-old son was asked if he knew what had happened
to the almost full bottle of mouthwash in the bathroom. He replied:
"Well, Dad tasted it and spit it out; then Marie tasted it and spit it
out. So I thought if nobody liked it, I might as well dump the rest
out!" And he did.

Before the cement truck arrives, you need a concrete plan.

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone
nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around
the room asking where all the guests were from. "Burnt Mattress,
Arkansas," called out the friend sitting next to me. "Burnt Mattress!"
said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual
town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?" My friend
shot back, "Right above Hot Springs."

------------------------------------

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[JoannasJokes] Puns of the Day 08-14-09

PUNS OF THE DAY 08-14-09

PUNS

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one The teacher asked if anyone could tell
her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou
shall not uncover thy neighbor's wife."

The watermelon seed spitting contest was called off because none of
the seeded contestants expect to rate highly. (Gary Hallock)

While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various
churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain
running from place to place, the religious groups got together and
hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus'
services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis. It was the
world's first prophet-sharing plan.

I once considered becoming a monk when I was young, but I was
cloisterphobic.

In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for
his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every
Shabbat. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island
for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's
sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation
and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other
congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire
Shabbat goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of
going to shul. Within a few weeks' time there were 500 gentiles
sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The
following Shabbat he, too, hired a Shabbat goy who brought a tape
recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the
congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of
artificial insermonation.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Many members were leaving a Philadelphia synagogue and becoming
Quakers. When the rabbi was asked whether or not he was concerned, he
replied, "It's no big deal, some of my best Jews are Friends."

OTHER HUMOR

Old Bankers never die, but they are penalized for early withdrawal

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and
made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks
away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind
such a crime and then make an obvious error he replied, "Monsieur,
that is the reason I stole the paintings." "I had no Monet, to buy
Degas, to make the Van Gogh." See if you have DeGaulle to send this on
to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing
Toulouse.

Book Title: "Cooking With Seeds" by Cara Weigh (Cynthia MacGregor)

I was stationed on Leyte during World War II. Although the region was
secure, sometimes the enemy tried to infiltrate our food-storage area.
One such adversary, dressed in GI clothing, once worked himself into
the noontime chow line. Our camp cook spotted him, reached under the
serving table for his pistol and yelled for the MPs who were
patrolling the area. After it was all over, we asked the cook how he
knew the man was an enemy soldier. "I figured it wasn't one of you
guys," he said, "'cause he was coming back for seconds."

"I'm always exhausted by Friday," said Tom weakly.

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a
school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera
went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking
the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another
flash. He did it again for a third time at an even slower speed. Same
result. "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in
the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a
seat belt!

On a package of five-inch fishing lures: Harmful if swallowed.

------------------------------------

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[FunOnTheNet] Alyssa milano. (glamour)

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[FunOnTheNet] ALI LARTER. (glamour)

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[FunOnTheNet] HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY.....

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[FunOnTheNet] Pakistan's 62 years Journey

Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah delivering a speech as Lord Mountbatten looks on.

Singing of the national anthem for the first time.

Funeral procession of Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah in Karachi.

Liaquat Ali Khan, elected as first prime minister of Pakistan, visiting a PAF Base.

Fazal Mahmood after the first ever cricket victory over England at Lord's in 1954.

Ayub khan in discussion with Fatima Jinnah, popularly known as Madar-e-Millat (Mother of the nation).

Gen Yahya Khan touches a horse as Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat looks on.

Lt Gen A. K. Niazi of Pakistan (R) surrenders his forces to Lt. Gen Jagjit Singh Aurora (L) of the Indian army in December 1971, marking the separation of East Pakistan.

Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, founder of Pakistan People's Party, took over as the country's president in 1971 and was later elected as the prime minister.

Gen Zia ul Haq with a farmer in Punjab.

Benazir Bhutto elected as the first female prime minister of Pakistan.

Nawaz Sharif is sworn in as prime minister of Pakistan.

Pakistan wins the 1992 cricket World Cup.

The fiftieth anniversary of Pakistan's independence day is celebrated outside Quaid-e-Azam's mausoleum in Karachi.

Pakistan conducts its first nuclear tests in the Chagai Hills on May 30, 1998.

People celebrate as General Pervez Musharraf assumes the presidency.

Rubble in Muzaffarabad, Kashmir, in the wake of a devastating earthquake that stuck Pakistan's northern areas on October 8, 2005.

The government takes on the students of Islamabad's Lal Masjid in June 2007.

Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry is reinstated as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Benazir Bhutto runs an election campaign after returning to Pakistan in 2007.

Asif Ali Zardari and Bilawal Zardari at the funeral of Benazir Bhutto in Garhi Khuda Baksh.

Asif Ali Zardari is elected president of Pakistan.

Celebrating 62 Independence Day in Karachi.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Re: [JoannasJokes] Best Cooking Book "Guaranteed", 8/13/2009, 6:00 pm

PLEASE - delete me from these reminders. I do not cook!!!!

Sally, I must apologize. I have no idea where these reminders come from. They are VERY annoying though.
I haven't been able to get to the bottom of these calender messages.
I will keep looking.
Joanna, the joke lady ' '

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[JoannasJokes] Best Cooking Book "Guaranteed", 8/13/2009, 6:00 pm

Reminder from:		JoannasJokes Yahoo! Group

Title:		Best Cooking Book "Guaranteed"

Date:		Thursday August 13, 2009
Time:		6:00 pm - 7:00 pm
Repeats:		This event repeats every week.
Location:		http://www.cookdoor.net/cooking-book.html
Notes:		After 5 Years of Research and Testing With Over 65,000 Members of Our Secret Recipe Forum, Finally You Can... Discover The Secret Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants & Easly Cook Them Yourself ! http://www.cookdoor.net/cooking-book.html "We'll Teach You the Jealously Guarded Secrets Behind Actual Dishes From Billion Dollar Restaurants Like The Cheesecake Factory®, KFC®, The Olive Garden®, PF Chang's®, Red Lobster®, Chili's®... (plus many others) and Show You How to Easily Make Them at Home!" Save Money and Skip Those Long Lines - Get the Step by Step Instructions for Making America's Most Wanted Recipes in Your Own Kitchen... The Books Content here: http://www.cookdoor.net/cooking-book.html Impress Your Family and Friends With Exact Replicas of The Following Recipes: http://www.cookdoor.net/cooking-book.html

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[JoannasJokes] Best Cooking Book "Guaranteed", 8/13/2009, 6:00 pm

Reminder from:		JoannasJokes Yahoo! Group

Title:		Best Cooking Book "Guaranteed"

Date:		Thursday August 13, 2009
Time:		6:00 pm - 7:00 pm
Repeats:		This event repeats every week.
Next reminder:		The next reminder for this event will be sent in 11 minutes.
Location:		http://www.cookdoor.net/cooking-book.html
Notes:		After 5 Years of Research and Testing With Over 65,000 Members of Our Secret Recipe Forum, Finally You Can... Discover The Secret Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants & Easly Cook Them Yourself ! http://www.cookdoor.net/cooking-book.html "We'll Teach You the Jealously Guarded Secrets Behind Actual Dishes From Billion Dollar Restaurants Like The Cheesecake Factory®, KFC®, The Olive Garden®, PF Chang's®, Red Lobster®, Chili's®... (plus many others) and Show You How to Easily Make Them at Home!" Save Money and Skip Those Long Lines - Get the Step by Step Instructions for Making America's Most Wanted Recipes in Your Own Kitchen... The Books Content here: http://www.cookdoor.net/cooking-book.html Impress Your Family and Friends With Exact Replicas of The Following Recipes: http://www.cookdoor.net/cooking-book.html

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