WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-18-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
You probably know what a teleprompter is, the machine that tells you
what to say. In Bush's case, it was Cheney. (David Letterman)
Earlier today, in Vatican City, President Obama had a historic meeting
with Pope Benedict XVI. Or, as Fox News is reporting it, "Obama Caught
With Old Man in Dress." (David Letterman)
President Barack Obama promised Pope Benedict on Friday that he would
do everything possible to reduce the number of abortions in the United
States. Then he bought a bunch of condoms to distribute among
senators, congressmen and governors. (Pedro Bartes)
Democrats want an investigation into a secret C. I. A. program that
was concealed from Congress by Dick Cheney. The program is so secret,
Cheney could tell you about it, but then he'd have to take you
hunting. (Jimmy Fallon)
It is the best of times, it is the worst of times — and we can't tell
the difference half the time! (Gil Stern)
According to a recent poll, a majority of Republicans now say that
Sarah Palin is not qualified to be President. Who says there's no bi-
partisan agreement in this country? (Janice Hough)
So President Obama threw out the first pitch at the all-star game.
They were gonna ask Joe Biden, but his windup usually lasts 15
minutes. (Marc Ragovin)
A new audit by the Treasury Department found that the IRS has failed
to collect taxes from 18% of Americans who owe more than $1 million,
even after they were rejected as Obama cabinet members! (Jerry Perisho)
President Obama has nominated a new surgeon general. He stressed the
importance of such a position. Afterward, he went out on the South
Lawn and had a smoke. (Alan Ray)
The Washington Nationals, with the worst record in baseball, fired
their manager, Manny Acta. Which is shocking. Usually for results that
bad in Washington you don't get fired; you get re-elected. (Janice
Hough)
Good news, the F. D.A. has just approved a new, non-drowsy version of
Senator Orrin Hatch. (David Letterman)
Michael Jackson hasn't been buried yet—waiting on clearance from the
E.P.A. (Michael Feldman)
Under national health care, John Wayne Bobbitt would get severance
pay. (Argus Hamilton)
If Senator John Ensign doesn't resign, he ought to at least be demoted
to Senator Midshipman. (Paul Seaburn)
Attorney General Holder is considering appointing a special prosecutor
to investigate Bush-era interrogation techniques. The investigative
team will be given a huge budget, access to documents, a car battery
and jumper cables. (Todd Long)
SONIA SOTOMAYOR
Sonia Sotomayorhas said that she "felt out of place attending
Princeton." Sotomayor says there were so many white males in
Princeton, she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate
Judiciary Committee. (Conan O'Brien)
Like former President Reagan, Judge Sotomayor is made of Teflon—-
nothing her detractors throw at her sticks. (Sara Joshel)
More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor. Apparently, she's a
big New York Yankee fan. This is good news for the Yankees because
they really need a strong lefty off the bench. (Conan O'Brien)
Citing the Mark Sanford case, Judge Sotomayer stunned the judiciary
committee when she reversed herself — "Not all Latina women are
wise." (Sara Joshel)
Her confirmation is pretty much a forgone conclusion, but even the
leading Republican said the only way she would not be confirmed is if
she had a meltdown, in which case she'd be named the governor of
Alaska. (Jimmy Kimmel)
It's time for Judge Sotomayor to confess she's an activist judge, she
actively applies the facts to the law. (Sara Joshel)
People are offended by Judge Sotomayor's comment that a wise Latina
can make better decisions than white males because it pits two
minorities against each other – Hispanics - and wise white men. (Sara
Joshel)
Judge Sonia Sotomayor was grilled by Senate Republicans Tuesday for
saying wise Latinas make better judges than white men. They should
toast her nomination. White men are now a minority for the first time
since the landing at Jamestown and we are gong to need a liberal
activist judge to protect us from the twenty-first century. (Argus
Hamilton)
A case for settled law? Anything you say, don't say, or refuse to say
on the grounds it may derail your nomination, can and will be used
against you in a Congressional Supreme Court hearing. Unfortunately
for Republicans, unlike in a "Perry Mason" episode, Judge Sotomayor
refused to stand up in the final minutes of her hearing and confess,
"You're right. I'm guilty of every charge you leveled at me." (Sara
Joshel)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
The Washington Post said Monday that White House staffers work from
six in the morning to ten at night seven days a week to push the
president's agenda. That's perfect. Where else but in America could
our first black president be a slave-driver? (Argus Hamilton)
Hartmarx, President Obama's tailor, has filed for Chapter 11. After
all, once you've got a serviceable robe and sandals, how many more
outfits does a president need? (Bill Williams)
President Obama was in the middle of giving a speech when his
teleprompter fell to the floor and shattered. Meanwhile, Joe Biden's
teleprompter has been treated for exhaustion. (Conan O'Brien)
President Obama told reporters Monday that Congress won't stop him
from passing health care reform this summer. You've seen this move on
the Discovery Channel. What he is doing to Congress is known in the
Animal Kingdom as marking your territory. (Argus Hamilton)
I don't want to say President Obama's all-star pitch was slow, but as
a pitcher he is a heck of a bowler. (Alex Kaseberg)
THE ADMINISTRATION
Hillary Clinton's recovering very well from her broken elbow. As part
of Hillary Clinton's physical therapy, several times a day, doctors
have her repeatedly squeeze a gelatinous ball. Yeah, although it was
Hillary's idea to scream, "Take that, you son of a bitch!" (Conan
O'Brien)
THE ECONOMY
When men's underpants sag, it bodes poorly for the economy. (Alan
Greenspan)
In what some on Wall Street are calling the biggest blockbuster deal
in the history of the financial sector, Goldman Sachs confirmed today
that it was in talks to acquire the U. S. Department of the Treasury.
According to Goldman spokesperson Jonathan Hestron, the merger between
Goldman and the Treasury Department is "a good fit" because "they're
in the business of printing money and so are we." (Andy Borowitz)
THE CONGRESS
Senator John Ensign's parents gave $96,000 to the family of the woman
with whom he admitted an extramarital affair. Now you understand why
Sanford cheated with an Argentinean. When he asked his parents for
money to cover his ass, at least it was cheaper to ask for pesos.
(Pedro Bartes)
Senator Ensign said he is not quitting. But he has enough punishment,
his parents won't let him watch TV or play videogames for a week.
(Pedro Bartes)
If the House health care bill becomes law, taxpayers would end up
paying for abortions, proving that health care reform is really about
bailing out all the Congressmen who get their mistresses pregnant.
(Jake Novak)
A provision in the House health care reform bill would virtually
eliminate most MRI tests for Medicare recipients, not because the
tests are costly, but because too many technicians like to put old
people in those machines and just leave them there over the weekend.
(Jake Novak)
THE STATES
A group of major banks says they won't accept IOUs from the State of
California. Apparently they have already taken enough bad IOUs. Also
known as subprime mortgages. (Jim Barach)
Here in California, we have no money. Our budget situation is a mess.
And when you have no money, what do you do? You sell drugs, right? A
state representative from San Francisco just introduced a bill that
would legalize marijuana. He claims it would raise almost $1.5 billion
a year for the state in taxes, and another $3 billion in Cheeto sales.
(Jimmy Kimmel)
California officials say that if the state legalized marijuana, it
could bring in an extra $1.4 billion. And that only from Michael
Phelps. (Pedro Bartes)
California lawmakers still trying to close the state's massive budget
deficit, so they're now talking about saving money by consolidating
all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most
controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and
Alcohol. (Conan O'Brien)
GOP Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation with his wife Jenny
Wednesday. Just three weeks ago his infidelity was world news and now
no one can remember his name. He's the only Christian in South
Carolina who can say he was saved by Michael Jackson. (Argus Hamilton)
LOCAL NEWS
A woman in Florida was accidentally shot in the leg when the woman in
the public bathroom stall next to her dropped her gun. It is the
ugliest incident to ever happen in a public bathroom that did not
involve Idaho Senator Larry Craig. (Alex Kaseberg)
THE DEMOCRATS
Roland Burris, who was appointed by ousted Illinois Gov. Rod
Blagojevich to fill Pres. Obama's Senate seat, has decided not to run
for the position in 2010. He figured even with the Chicago cemetery
vote he was going to lose. (Jerry Perisho)
"Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even
though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his
presidency, he also opposed his own marriage." (Jimmy Fallon)
THE REPUBLICANS
Former VP Dick Cheney has been accused of running a secret CIA program
that no one was aware of. In his defense, Cheney said the program was
in full view as part of NBC's primetime lineup. (Janice Hough)
Well, now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret
hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. But the secret
assassination squad, tough group of guys. To make the team, you had to
survive a hunting trip with Cheney. (David Letterman)
Sarah Palin said when she leaves the governor's office at the end of
the month, she's open to campaigning for some Democrats. Well, that's
great news for Republicans. (Jimmy Fallon)
Sarah Palin declares that mainstream means "dead fish go with the
flow". Senate Republicans can live with this judicial philosophy
swimmingly—– as long as the grilled fish drifts right. (Sara Joshel)
Sarah went fishing the other day. She didn't catch any fish, but she
did land a dozen cameramen, 10 photographers, 14 reporters and a
modeling contract for L.L. Bean. (Dora Glasberg)
Sarah Palin's friends say they are worried about her because she looks
frail and her hair is thinning. It's all part of her plan to run for
president in 2012 as John McCain. (Jimmy Fallon)
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his
sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a
personal trip with his wife. Isn't that nice? Sanford said he wanted
to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he's going to get this trip
with his wife out of the way first. (Conan O'Brien)
Governor Mark Sanford skipped a meeting with an economic advisor this
week so he could spend time with his wife. Smart move, because the
economic advisor was about to tell him that he won't have any money if
he gets divorced. (Pedro Bartes)
The happiest man on Earth right now is Howard Dean. After Sarah
Palin's recent embarrassing and incoherent resignation press
conference, Howard's "Iowa Scream" is no longer the craziest political
speech on record. (Frank King)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
A blogger who leaked part of the Guns 'n' Roses album "Chinese
Democracy" was sentenced to a year's probation. Hopefully the band
will get a stiffer sentence for releasing the rest of it. (Todd Long)
MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA
In hopes of quieting the nation's drug wars, Mexico has hired more
police. The government hopes that the drug lords will be so busy
bribing all the new officers, that they'll forget to keep shooting
each other. (Jake Novak)
FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE
A man was gored to death Friday at Pamplona's running of the bulls --
the first fatality in 14 years. Boy who could have seen that coming?
(Tim Hunter)
RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE
President Obama dismissed allegations Dmitry Medvedev is just a puppet
controlled by Vladimir Putin. Medvedev then said, "Thank you, Mr.
President," while Putin drank a glass of water. (Todd Long)
Mark Sanford isn't the only prominent figure with a Latin American
lover. It's reported that Vladimir Putin is carrying on with former
Major League Baseball star Felix Millan. In fact, on Putin's next
state visit they are planning to go secretly to Massachusetts and tie
the knot. The Russian Prime Minister will then be known as Vladimir
Putin-Millan. (Conrad Macina)
CHINA & THE FAR EAST
Kim Jong-Il's illness is so serious that he's been advised to begin
radiation therapy. In fact, last night his doctor said, "Launch two
nuclear missiles and call me in the morning." (Paul Feehan)
Computer experts say North Korean hackers could bring down the entire
Internet and cause billions of dollars in damage to computers
worldwide. The hackers started their attack last week. But we're just
now hearing about it -- because the story does not involve Michael
Jackson.. (Toms Lake Humor Company)
SCIENCE & HEALTH
If Republicans would jump in and support health care and then brag
about paying for it, they could be reelected forever. And if they
couldn't find a way to deduct the cost as campaign advertising,
they're just not spending enough time in the Republican play book and
too much on the Appalachian Trail. (Joe Hickman)
The latest "wonder material" to come out of scientific labs is called
graphene. It is the strongest and hardest material known; it is
flexible, and it is only one atom thick. Some entrepreneurs and
thinking about using it for jet aircraft. I'm thinking, "Wouldn't
graphene make the perfect condom?" (Jerry Perisho)
According to a new survey, most Americans value science, but they pick
and choose which scientific findings they agree with. For example,
while more and more Americans question evolution and global warming,
virtually all believe you can create a volcano with Diet Coke and
Mentos. (Paul Seaburn)
The DEA is considering putting tighter restrictions on Diprivan, the
drug that may have killed Michael Jackson. But the Feds may back off
if CNN promises not to give wall-to-wall coverage to the next
celebrity who dies from the drug. (Jake Novak)
SPORTS
I thought it was fascinating how the New York papers covered the All-
Star Game and Obama throwing out the first pitch. New York Times said
that Obama threw a perfect strike. Daily News said he threw a ball.
The New York Post said he was making out with Kate Hudson. (David
Letterman)
Barack Obama threw out the first pitch at the All Star game;
coincidentally, Sarah Palin threw out the first pitch at the Alaska
minor league All Star game, but the pitch stopped halfway and quit.
(Alex Kaseberg)
Rush Limbaugh repeatedly said during his show that Obama throws the
ball like a girl. Ahh, maybe that's why Manny Ramirez was looking for
him after the game, to exchange make-up tips. (Pedro Bartes)
After Spurs forward Richard Jefferson bailed on his bride-to-be just
two hours before the nuptials: "Jefferson treated his wedding plans as
a game-time decision." (Mark Medina)
Summit Structures LLC, the company that built Dallas Cowboys' indoor
practice facility that collapsed this spring, says the team asked for
a new roof last year for aesthetic, not practical, reasons. In other
words, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones just can't say no to a face lift.
(Dwight Perry)
Candace Parker is back playing for the WNBA's Los Angeles Sparks after
having a baby in May." I wish Michael Jordan could give birth and come
out and play. "The worst thing he had to do was fight a cold and throw
up against Utah. He's not half the woman that Candace is." (Michael
Cooper, Sparks coach)
You can't really explain it. Sometimes the ball looks like a beach
ball. And then there's the exact opposite of that, where it looks like
an aspirin coming out of a shotgun. (Jason Bay)
ENTERTAINMENT
The Emmy nominations are out. A two hour show in the fall will
recognize the best in television. The challenge is how to fill the
remaining 118 minutes. (Alan Ray)
A new Harry Potter movie is out. Our boy hero performs the ultimate
magic. He turns a lackluster box office summer into a huge payday for
producers.
Paul McCartney thrilled New Yorkers with a surprise rooftop concert
atop the Ed Sullivan theater Wednesday. McCartney says it was planned,
but it really was because the 67-year-old former Beatler accidentally
went up to the roof after getting lost looking for the bathroom. (Jake
Novak)
This weekend is the 10th anniversary of 'SpongeBob SquarePants.'
President Obama recently said SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon. He
loves to watch that silly little guy run around and say crazy stuff,
annoying everyone. Reminds him of Joe Biden. (Craig Ferguson)
Nickelodeon will be airing a "SpongeBob SquarePants" 50-episode
marathon. Could be quite absorbing. (Anand Tatti)
"500 Days of Summer" is in theaters. A hopeless romantic chases after
the girl of his dreams while imagining he's in a rock musical. It
starts to affect his job as governor of South Carolina. (Alan Ray)
THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET
I'm waiting for someone to develop something that writes Twitter stuff
for you. Then again, they'll probably ban 'artificial
tweeteners' (Tim Hunter)
Katie Couric's interview with Sarah Palin was nominated for an Emmy.
Isn't it funny that Couric is mostly known as a journalist for two
things with the same subject: Palin and a colonoscopy? (Pedro Bartes)
CELEBRITIES
The death certificate for Michael Jackson left the cause of death as
"unknown". It also marked "unknown" for his gender and race. (Jim
Barach)
Both his sister, Latoya Jackson, and his father, Joe Jackson, think
Michael was murdered. At the top of their list of suspects? Joe and
Latoya Jackson. (Jimmy Kimmel)
Michael Jackson's family petitioned Santa Barbara County Thursday to
allow the late superstar to be buried at Neverland Ranch. That would
be fitting. Neverland Ranch is the only wildlife refuge that has both
a petting zoo and a heavy petting zoo. (Argus Hamilton)
There are all sorts of crazy rumors going around about Michael
Jackson. One of them is that his brain is someplace other than with
the rest of his body. I don't know who has it, but I do find it a
little suspicious that Donald Trump is suddenly able to moonwalk.
(Jimmy Kimmel)
Tina Fey received an Emmy nomination for her impersonation of Sarah
Palin. But how did Palin herself not get an acting nomination for her
portrayal of a viable vice-presidential candidate? (Janice Hough)
Tennessee Titan legend Steve McNair was was buried in Nashville
Thursday. It's an old story. While cheating on his wife, he was shot
and killed in his sleep by one of the two women he was seeing, or as
it's called in Washington D.C., natural causes. (Argus Hamilton)
Tony Romo has split with Jessica Simpson. Her relationship with the QB
is now like that of the Dallas Cowboys. With him, she won't be wearing
a ring. (Alan Ray)
Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have apparently split up. Fortunately
for Romo, he signed a pre-numbskull agreement. (Bill Littlejohn)
A 17-year-old, Zac Sunderland, set a record to be the youngest person
to circumnavigate the globe. It was awkward, when former President
Bush heard this he said; "Ouch, I bet that circumnavigation hurts, but
it is a Jewish tradition." (Alex Kaseberg)
Alanis Morissette and Woody Harrelson are teaming up to create a line
of eco-friendly jeans. Woody's jeans are made with the "high waisted"
person in mind. Put them on every time you want to get high and
wasted. (Jerry Perisho)
HISTORY
The 100th anniversary of the N. A. A. C. P. will feature a tribute to
the 82-year-old rock 'n' roller Chuck Berry. Or, as he's now known,
Chuck Elderberry. (Paul Feehan)
Shocking revelations on the eve of the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11.
According to Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin spent the entire flight
asking, "Are we there yet?" (Marc Ragovin)
CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
According to a recent survey, 82% of women say they'll let you have
your way with them when you're camping out under the stars. Now I
understand why so many people are having more sex in this bad economy,
due to foreclosure most of them live in the park. (Pedro Bartes)
BUSINESS & LABOR
Pet airwaves started its service this week. I wonder if they have
their own Terrier-rist list. (Pedro Bartes)
A hole opened up in the roof of a Southwest Airlines flight from
Nashville to Baltimore yesterday. Southwest is trying to cash in on
all the publicity. Their new ads promise lots of headroom. (Frank King)
AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES
A recent study found that tall people make more money than shorter
people. The average salary in the NBA is $4.9 million per year. The
average salary in midget bowling is only $5 per frame. (Jerry Perisho)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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