WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-10-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Mark Sanford of South Carolina still hasn't resigned. He spent 5 days
visiting his mistress in Argentina. His wife Jenny has reportedly
already signed a book deal and I don't think she likes him very much
any more. So who do you think was safer over the the 4th of July
weekend: Joe Biden in Iraq or Mark Sanford with his family in Florida?
I'm guessing Joe Biden. (Rich Orwell)
Have you tried the new Sarah Palin cocktail. Russian vodka over ice
with bitters and a garnish of sour grapes. Potentially powerful, but
you want to quit half way through. (Janice Hough)
A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most
entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry,
folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying.
(Conan O'Brien)
So Sarah Palin has said she will cede power to Alaska's lieutenant
governor. And as a New Yorker, all I can say is: "Sure. What could
possibly go wrong?" (Marc Ragovin)
Okay, John Edwards, Dick Cheney and now Sarah Palin. Hard to believe
that the least embarassing V. P. candidate in recent memory is Joe
Biden. (Janice Hough)
A pending law would put guns in Arizona bars. Normally packing a gun
is dangerous, but the risks are minimal thanks to the calming and
sensible effects of alcohol. (Alex Kaseberg)
Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery
were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily
for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still
registered to vote. (Jake Novak)
Vice President Biden said that he and President Obama "misread" the
severity of the recession. And former President Bush said "See what
can go wrong when you read?" (Janice Hough)
This might be too soon, but right about now you have to think Jenny
Sanford is wishing her husband's "soul mate" had been Sahel Kazemi.
(Janice Hough)
The two-hour Michael Jackson Memorial service took place on Tuesday in
Los Angeles' Staples Center. Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson both spoke,
and when you throw in Michael Jackson you've got three of the best
ball handlers in history. (Jerry Perisho)
SARAH PALIN
In a recent poll, 7 out of 10 Republicans say they would like to have
Sarah Palin as their presidential candidate for President in 2012. In
a stunning display of bipartisanship, President Obama added, "Me
too." (Janice Hough)
Former Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin says she is
resigning as Governor of Alaska. Palin says she is tired of the
"superficial, wasteful political bloodsport". She would like to return
to more conventional bloodsport, like shooting moose from a
helicopter. (Jim Barach)
The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping
down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she
woke up and went out on her porch and waved good-bye to Russia. Obama
was waving to her. (David Letterman)
Sarah Palin said in her resignation speech that not quitting would
have been a "quitter's way out." While most Americans may not be sure
what she meant, they still wish she would explain it to Brett Favre.
(Janice Hough)
Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be
getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers
who find Paula Abdul too coherent.(Conan O'Brien)
Here's what I can tell you about having your own TV show. Sarah, if
you're watching, and you get a TV show, you gotta be very careful what
you say on the air, because you can get yourself into a lot of
trouble, okay? (David Letterman)
Reportedly Alaskans have asked Tina Fey if she wants to finish out
Governor Sarah's Palin's term. She looks the same, sounds more
articulate, and has been spending about the same amount of time
recently in Alaska. (Janice Hough)
In an interview with "Runner's World" Sarah Palin bragged she could
beat Barack Obama in a road race. Now we know she would quit halfway.
(Alex Kaseberg)
During her resignation speech, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin compared
herself to a good point guard, knowing when to pass the ball. She is
looking for an endorsement deal from Nike, who has created a new ad
campaign relating to her presidential aspirations; it's the "Just Blow
It" campaign. (Jerry Perisho)
MARK SANFORD
Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July.
He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina.(David Letterman)
Marriage is between a man and a woman and a woman in Argentina. (John
Aravosis)
Leaders of the South Carolina Republican Party voted to censure Gov.
Mark Sanford, reprimanding him for secretly leaving the state to visit
his lover in Argentina. Republicans get mad when a scandal breaks up
because they are forced to behave and spend a couple of weekends with
their wives. (Pedro Bartes)
Mark Sanford refused calls for him to resign as governor of South
Carolina. He spent the Fourth of July in Florida trying to reconcile
with his wife. Womanizers around the country agreed it was a rather
inappropriate way to spend Independence Day. (Argus Hamilton)
AL FRANKEN
Al Franken's victory in the Minnesota Senate race means Democrats have
60 voting members … but still none that are funny. (Todd Long)
Any truth to the rumor this was Al Franken's first statement on being
finally seated in the Senate? "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and
doggone it, people elected me." (Janice Hough)
Al Franken has finally been sworn in as Senator from Minnesota.
Republicans immediately renamed him Al Frankenstein. Now they want him
to push for a Supreme Court nomination for the Church Lady. (Joe
Hickman)
Walter Mondale walked Al Franken to the Senate for his swearing-in
Tuesday. He lost a presidential race and a Senate election. Walter
Mondale once said there is no place for G-d in politics and apparently
G-d felt the same way about Walter Mondale. (Argus Hamilton)
MICHAEL JACKSON
Staples Center hosted both Michael Jackson's funeral and the Ringling
Brothers opening Tuesday. What a day. Everybody's favorite moment was
when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and twenty-five other dignitaries
all got out of the same Volkswagen. (Argus Hamilton)
The Michael Jackson memorial service is Tuesday in Los Angeles. Family
members are disgusted with the exploitation of his death. In fact,
each plans to write a book about it. (Alan Ray)
Michael Jackson's family was reported to be planning a tour where
he'll perform with his brothers as a hologram. The technology allows
engineers in the booth to control a star's entire performance.
President Obama's handlers think it could replace the TelePrompter.
(Argus Hamilton)
California officials are concerned with the cost of Michael Jackson's
memorial to the city of LA. Things are so bad, Arnold was spotted
across the Staples Center selling Jackson's t-shirts to raise money.
(Pedro Bartes)
Bubbles the Chimp was not invited to Michael Jackson's memorial at the
Staples Center. He's living in an animal shelter for great apes in
Florida. It was twenty-four years ago today that Bubbles ran away from
the circus to join the Jackson family. (Argus Hamilton)
During his speech at the Jackson's memorial, Al Sharpton pointed out
that Michael brought all the races together. Then he ruined it by
saying that Michael became a pedophile only when he started turning
White. (Pedro Bartes)
Los Angeles deployed hundreds of police for Michael Jackson's memorial
service Tuesday. It's a fiscal crisis. The city is broke and can't pay
overtime so cops have been asked to work just for the chance to beat
demonstrators at a historic event. (Argus Hamilton)
Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House
resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, "Isn't it
enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?" (Conan O'Brien)
Al Sharpton told the crowd Tuesday that Michael Jackson's crossover
popularity made the careers of Oprah Winfrey and Tiger Woods possible
and elected Barack Obama. It was a stunning speech. Millions of
Michael Jackson's younger fans had no idea he was black. (Argus
Hamilton)
Investigators report that Michael Jackson had a mini hospital in his
rented home… to play doctor with the kids. (Pedro Bartes)
The mother of two of Michael Jackson's kids, Debbie Rowe, says she
wants them back. I'm sure they mean a lot to her, probably several
hundred millions worth. (Tim Hunter)
Michael Jackson's daughter Paris completely stole the show Tuesday
with a tearful and heartfelt tribute to her dad. Lionel Richie, Smokey
Robinson and Jennifer Hudson could only watch. The lesson of Michael
Jackson's life is that a ten-year-old can upstage anybody. (Argus
Hamilton)
According to Nielsen more people watched Princess Diana's funeral than
Michael Jackson's memorial. Immediately after hearing the news, Joe
Jackson pounded Michael's casket, screaming, we do it all over again.
(Pedro Bartes)
Michael Jackson's dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein said Thursday he
doesn't think he's the biological father of the kids but he doesn't
rule it out. You know how it is in Los Angeles. Nobody is claiming
those kids until they find out if they can sing. (Argus Hamilton)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
President Obama says he wants a health care bill on his desk by
October. So I sent him the one for my kid's appendectomy. (Todd Long)
President Obama corrected Joe Biden's statement Sunday that the U. S.
would step aside if Israel attacks Iran. It's getting nutty. Every
morning the first item on President Obama's threat assessment report
is whatever Joe Biden said the day before. (Argus Hamilton)
The Internet is buzzing about a picture from the G8 summit that seems
to show President Obama ogling a woman's rear end. The White House
insists he was just checking her greenhouse gas emissions. (Jake Novak)
Pres. Obama, in Russia for a diplomatic trip, jokingly thanked Pres.
Medvedev for the "good deal" the Russians gave the US on Alaska in
1867. Then, they both turned to the east and waved to Sarah Palin.
(Jerry Perisho)
THE ADMINISTRATION
With the Obama's away in Russia and Europe visiting world leaders Vice
President Joe Biden is getting a little squirrelly. Today he planted
magic beans in the White House garden. (Frank King)
Pres. Obama named one of the pioneers in unraveling the genetic code
as the head of the National Institutes of Health. So, he deciphered
DNA, and now he'll fix the NIH. The next mystery he'll work on is the
BCS. (Jerry Perisho)
THE ECONOMY
The Transportation Department said car driving fell off by four
percent this year in the steepest decline in history. It's the
economy. Young people can't take the family sedan out for a hot date
beccause their parents are living in the car. (Argus Hamilton)
60% of the new GM is owned by the U.S. government, the UAW owns 17.5%,
and anyone who buys a GM car now owns 100% of a piece of crap. (Jake
Novak)
Home prices in April had an 18% drop from the year before. With
unemployment and foreclosures still rising, another 82% drop in prices
and the housing market may finally start to pick up again. (Jim Barach)
The Lundberg Survey said gas prices hit three dollars per gallon in
California despite people driving less. Critics say drivers are being
screwed by the oil companies. It's no accident that the most
frequently used actor's name in porno movies is Derrick. (Argus
Hamilton)
Bailed out AIG wants to pay its executives big bonuses again. But this
time it has a good excuse: it turns out the company is making millions
insuring the lives of overpaid AIG executives who keep getting death
threats. (Jake Novak)
THE CONGRESS
House Democrats are proposing the new health legislation be paid for
by a tax surcharge on people with an income of $200,000 plus. So it
looks like my hip replacement is going to be paid for by Michelle
Obama's staff. (Bill Williams)
Utah Senator Orrin Hatch wants the Justice Department to investigate
the BCS for antitrust law violations. Well, and why not? It's not like
Congress has anything more important to worry about. (Janice Hough)
Senator John Ensign's family gave almost $100,000 to his former
mistress and her family. I guess you could call this a stimulus
package for stimulating his package. (Janice Hough)
House Democrats pushed a second giant stimulus spending package
Tuesday which the White House encouraged. Once you get a taste of free
stimulus money, it takes more and more free stimulus money to keep you
high. Once all these congressmen quit drinking, drugging and cheating
on their wives, the disease had to go somewhere. (Argus Hamilton)
Embattled and embarrassing Illinois Senator Roland Burris said he will
not run again in 2010, but he will serve out his current term. This
might be the only time in history that Democrats look wistfully at the
actions of Sarah Palin. (Janice Hough)
91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd is opposing his fellow Democrats and
their cap and trade energy bill. It turns out he's against anything
that helps power those darn horseless carriages. (Jake Novak)
THE STATES
Arizona has passed a law allowing people to bring guns into bars. In
related news, Plaxico Burress immediately instructed his agent to
start negotiating with the Cardinals. (Janice Hough)
July 1 was the effective date of the the South Carolina law that
requires unwed fathers to register with the state to preserve parental
rights. There are a few exceptions to that one, though. It doesn't
apply to new fathers who impregnate their daughters, mothers,
grandmothers or first cousins. (Bob Mills)
A pro marijuana group has launched a TV ad campaign in California to
legalize pot. Such a move could be an economic boon for the state.
Sales of Doritos would go through the roof. (Alan Ray)
A Missouri state legislator is opposed to subsidizing school lunches
for low income kids during the summer months because, "Hunger can be a
positive motivator." In California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered
the Capital cafeteria immediately closed. (Jerry Perisho)
A new report shows many states are not using the stimulus money as
intended. Ohio is using it to build useless government offices,
Florida is using it to widen unused roads, and California is using it
to keep LaToya Jackson away from all her brother's memorial services.
(Jake Novak)
LOCAL NEWS
Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery
were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily
for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still
registered to vote. (Jake Novak)
In Illinois, four people have been arrested for digging up corpses in
an historic cemetery and then selling the empty plots. According to
the law, the only people who are allowed to make a profit from selling
previously used plots are Hollywood producers. (Bill Mihalic)
78 turtles ended up causing delays earlier this week at JFK by
crawling onto the runway. Fortunately, the turtles were not harmed and
still made it off the runway faster than most JetBlue flights. (Janice
Hough)
A New Jersey man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate. There
is no solid evidence of foul play, but police are holding Willie Wonka
for questioning. (Jake Novak)
THE REPUBLICANS
Not to say the Republican party is in trouble, but the Washington
Nationals baseball team is telling Republican jokes. (Alex Kaseberg)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
The FBI said Tuesday that mortgage fraud is rampant and growing across
America today. It's a major problem in Southern California. There are
some beautiful homes in Los Angeles that are built on bluffs, because
nobody ever asks to see a tax return. (Argus Hamilton)
Anybody ever been in prison? Bernie Madoff, the nasty, awful swindler,
he's going to be there for 150 years. You know what he did? He hired a
prison consultant. I think it's Martha Stewart. (David Letterman)
A guy was arrested for pruning his tree with a shotgun. You can't
blame him, since he left the White House, Cheney is getting bored.
(Pedro Bartes)
SECURITY & TERRORISM
Democrats to Republicans: You're lying. Republicans to Democrats:
Pelosi is lying. CIA to Democrats and Republicans: No. We're lying to
both parties and that's the truth. In a related story. Congress plans
on holding a series of hearings on what the appropriate name for the
committee that handles security issues should be because Intelligence
Committee is a misnomer. (Sara Joshel)
Here's something wacky. Osama bin Laden's first wife — and this guy
has literally like 40 wives or something, yeah, 40 wives — well his
first wife, wife No. 1, is writing a book all about Osama bin Laden.
It's a fascinating story. And it talks about when Osama was 16 years
old, when he was just a kid, listen to this, he wrecked the family
camel. -- But the book is going to be huge. It's being published by
Random Cave. (David Letterman)
FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE
The city of Amsterdam is trying to figure out a way to provide banking
services to the area's many legal prostitutes. They should get along
extremely well, because who knows more about screwing the public than
the local banker? (Jerry Perisho)
Four thieves broke into a plant in Frankfurt, Germany, and stole
320,000 pills of the erectile dysfunction drug, Levitra. The police
are looking for a gang of hardened criminals. (Pedro Bartes)
CHINA & THE FAR EAST
Rioting between ethnic groups in China has prompted Communist leaders
to flood the streets with police. And, you know what that means for
the rest of the world, don't you? A big shortage of cheap toys covered
in lead-based paint. (Jerry Perisho)
SCIENCE & HEALTH
British scientists claim to have created human sperm from embryonic
stem cells for the first time. thereby rendering the human male
completely unnecessary, other than to carry in the trash cans once a
week. (Jerry Perisho)
Writing in the journal "Stem Cells and Development," scientists in
Newcastle, England claim to have created viable male sperm in the
laboratory. The artificial sperm looks and acts so real, lab
technicians had to use a condom to keep it in the petri dish. (Bob
Mills)
It's been a few weeks now since the expanded recall of refrigerated
Toll House cookie dough because of E. coli. As John Donne would say,
"Nestle, ask not for whom the toll house cookie crumbles, it crumbles
for thee." (Rich Orwell)
Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could help people live
up to 10 years longer. Larry King has been taken this drug for the
last 50 years. (Pedro Bartes)
Dogs are being trained to sniff out medical problems, like diabetes
and skin cancer. That's odd, because the dogs I know seem to be
trained to sniff out hemorrhoids. (Alex Kaseberg)
Wildlife experts report that a mysterious fungus has been killing
insect-eating bats in such numbers, the epidemic could spread
nationwide within two years -- allowing insects now naturally
controlled to thrive. Warned a zoologist from Boston University "If
not contained, the fungus could be a greater threat to America's
wildlife than Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin combined." (Bob Mills)
Astronomers say they have found the most distant supernova ever
detected, and they estimate it was created about 11 billion years ago.
On CNN last night, Larry King said, "I remember that; it was a
Tuesday." (Jerry Perisho)
The health industry on Tuesday promised to work with the Obama
administration to cut medical costs. Their first order of business was
to ask Americans to please limit themselves to one autopsy per
customer. (Frank King)
Dogs are being trained to sniff out diabetes. Experts say dogs can be
trained to sniff out other medical problems too. Soon -- at the
medical clinic - instead of saying "The doctor will see you now" --
the receptionist will say -- "Fido will sniff you now." (Toms Lake
Humor Company)
THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT
Obama vows U.S. will lead the way on climate change. Heck, the way
we're puffing carbon into the air, we can do it all by ourselves. (Joe
Hickman)
SPORTS
Manny Ramirez was ejected in the fifth inning of his fourth game back
from his female fertility drug suspension. The Dodgers outfielder
apologized afterwards, but explained that it was "that time of
month." (Janice Hough)
Tennis great Roger Federer won the Wimbledon championship Sunday,
setting a record with 15 major titles. The only other person who could
nail 15 majors would be Madonna while on a USO tour. (Jerry Perisho)
Tiger Woods was reportedly going to play golf with House Minority
Leader John Boehner. Apparently the Republicans are trying to sway
Woods over to their side. They first were attracted to him when they
saw how many times his drives went far right. (Jim Barach)
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was reported Monday nearing a ruling on
Michael Vick's case. He's good at this. Last year Roger Goodell
arranged for the Cincinnati Bengals to wear striped uniforms, so when
they go to prison they won't have to change. (Argus Hamilton)
Thursday's Padres-Astros game in San Diego was delayed for 52 minutes
in the ninth inning while beekeepers removed a huge swarm that
bivouacked in left field. Both teams, to a man, said the sight of bees
is definitely more terrifying than Nats. (Dwight Perry)
After race officials DQ'd Italian swimmer Flavia Zoccari when the
lower back of her skintight swimsuit burst open: "When Zoccari's
swimming career is over, she will make a great plumber." (Cam
Hutchinson)
How long did Sunday's epic five set match last at Wimbledon between
Roger Federer and Andy Roddick? By the time it was over, Brett Favre
had un-retired and retired three times. (Janice Hough)
Former Hawaii quarterback Timmy Chang, the NCAA career leader in
passing yards, was questioned by Honolulu police after he allegedly
grabbed a woman's camera and threw it onto a nearby rooftop to keep
her from filming a brawl, the Honolulu Advertiser reported. Possible
charges range from first-degree robbery to misdemeanor intentional
grounding. (Dwight Perry)
After starter Johnny Cueto got rocked for 10 first-inning runs en
route to a 22-1 pounding: "They told me he didn't look good warming
up. Sometimes, that doesn't mean anything. Tonight, it meant
something." (Dusty Baker)
Tennis player Simona Halep underwent breast reduction surgery. It was
to avoid injuries, apparently her boobs were causing tennis elbows to
a lot of fans. (Pedro Bartes)
Colorado Avalanche star Joe Sakic announced his retirement after 20
years, saying, "every athlete has to decide when its time to move on…"
And Brett Favre added "not exactly." (Janice Hough)
A Russian woman has set a new record by lifting a 14 kg. glass ball
with her vagina muscles. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin confirmed the whole
thing. She watched the competition from her front porch. (Jerry Perisho)
The Ricketts family of Chicago will buy the Cubs for a little less
than $900 million. They'll make front office changes once the team's
season is over. In other words, any day now. (Alan Ray)
ENTERTAINMENT
Just wondering, in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest, are Tums
considered a performance enhancing drug? (Janice Hough)
Simon Cowell is reportedly being offered $144 Million a year to stay
on "American Idol". Contestants are starting a collection to see if
they can match it so he will leave. (Jim Barach)
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus are expecting to open a show
at The Staples Center a day after Michael Jackson's memorial. If
things work out for them, they might add a couple of clowns to the
show, Al Sharpton and Joe Jackson. (Pedro Bartes)
CELEBRITIES
Oscar Mayer, the founder of the company that bears his name, died at
the age of 95. He had attributed his long life to never eating any of
his own products. (Janice Hough)
Now that the Michael Jackson funeral extravaganza is over, rumor has
it Joey Chestnut also wants to rent the Staples Center, for a tribute
to Oscar Mayer. (Janice Hough)
"American Idol" judge Kara Dioguardi got married, Saturday. It was
nice, Paula Abdul gave a toast that was closed captioned for the
slurring impaired. (Alex Kaseberg)
RELIGION
The economy has forced Vatican radio to air advertisements. The agency
must be from AM radio because the ads are for tickets to see the pope
say mass on "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" (Paul Seaburn)
HISTORY
Neil Armstrong will be celebrated next week on the fortieth
anniversary of his becoming the first man in history to land on the
moon. He is the most optimistic human being who ever lived. Neil
Armstrong returned to the earth, and he had a choice. (Argus Hamilton)
British Museum archivists discovered an original copy of America's
Declaration of Independence in storage in London Thursday. It got a
laugh. Parents always keep notes from their children, especially the
ones that say they're running away from home. (Argus Hamilton)
Lady Liberty's crown was re-opened to tourists Saturday after being
closed due to the World trade Center attacks. It was a no-win
situation. The Statue of Liberty is obviously a tempting target, but
with no people around, Canada geese were free to use the statue as a
forward staging base from which to attack passenger planes. (Argus
Hamilton)
CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
The Shady Lady Ranch, one of twenty-five legal Las Vagas houses of
prostitution, has hit upon hard times during the current economic
downturn and will hire male hookers in an attempt to improve their
bottom line. Moreover, they plan to offer a special mix 'n' match
"Madonna Wing" for those clients unable to decide on their preference
immediately upon arrival. (Bob Mills)
The World Series of Poker began its fortieth year in Las Vegas
Saturday at the Rio Hotel and Casino. No woman has ever placed higher
than fifth. Women with top skills in lying and deception can do a lot
better than the jackpot in some poker tournament. (Argus Hamilton)
BUSINESS & LABOR
Sears has introduced its new glass balcony on the 103rd floor of
Chicago's Sears Tower. Now, if Sears would only introduce a second
cashier at lunch time. (Jerry Perisho)
General Motors was carved up by a judge Tuesday, giving taxpayers
sixty percent ownership of the automaker. The government owns a car
company. Now no one in Los Angeles will buy a GM car because they
refuse to be seen taking public transportation. (Argus Hamilton)
Auto parts supplier Lear has filed for bankruptcy protection. Lay off
notices to employees are mean spirited. "In our new promotional event,
everything must go. Shocks, mufflers, you" (Alan Ray)
Have you seen the Evian rollerblading babies commercial? It is so
funny and cute it made Manny Rameriz's water break. (Alex Kaseberg)
Aluminum giant Alcoa is betting on a big rebound for the company...
mostly because soon the only way to make money in America will be
getting the nickel for recycling soda cans. (Jake Novak)
AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES
In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest
country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17.
(Conan O'Brien)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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