AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned
Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe
that? Still, neither has used the phrase "Oh God, oh God," more than
President Clinton. (Conan O'Brien)
Ken Pagano, pastor of the New Bethel Church in Louisville, Ky., is
inviting his flock to bring their guns to church on June 27 to
celebrate the Fourth of July and the Second Amendment. Or as the AP
headline put it: "Piece be with you." (Dwight Perry)
Newsweek's editor Evan Thomas was ripped on talk radio Monday after he
said on a Sunday news show that President Obama is like G-d.
Republicans are furious. The Book of Genesis states unequivocally that
G-d appeared to Moses in the form of a Bush. (Argus Hamilton)
If you can't stand the Heat, cheer for the Lakers. (Tim Hunter)
Angelina Jolie has been named the "Most Powerful Celebrity" in the
world beating out Oprah Winfrey. I guess that refutes the claims that
Barack Obama is a celebrity. (Jim Barach)
Has anyone noticed that Brett Favre has the same relationship to
retirement as Elizabeth Taylor has with marriage? (Janice Hough)
Handguns will soon be allowed in bars and restaurants in Tennessee. I
guess you will have to think twice before you order a shot now. (Pedro
Bartes)
Wonder which cost taxpayers more. The Palin family first class
vacation to New York from Alaska including Yankee tickets at $2500 per
seat or the Obama's date to see a Broadway show one evening. (Stan
Kegel)
Earlier in the week, I made some jokes that upset Sarah Palin. And I
was telling jokes about her family and stuff. She got really upset.
And I think everything's fine now. I think everything's going to be
great because she called today and offered to take me hunting. (David
Letterman)
Bank of America said it may end its sponsorship of the U.S. Olympic
team and the Games. What a waste of ad money. They spent twenty
million dollars to sponsor the Olympics, and the only product that got
any publicity was a marijuana bong. (Argus Hamilton)
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman says he has four buyers possibly willing
to take on the bankrupt Coyotes and keep them in Phoenix. Translation:
Enron, AIG, Chrysler and General Motors. (Dwight Perry)
Definition of eternity. Joe Biden trying to compress his thoughts
into a 140 character Twitter. (Janice Hough)
David Carradine was found dead last week in the closet of a Bangkok
hotel room with rope tied around his neck and genitals. Apparently, he
couldn't cum out of the closet. (Pedro Bartes)
Despite being out after the 2007 season, Sammy Sosa announced he is
considering announcing his retirement from baseball; in a related
story, Dennis Kucinich is seriously considering conceding the 2008
presidential election to Barack Obama. (Alex Kaseberg)
President Obama won praise from Arab newspapers Thursday for his
speech to the Muslim world from Cairo. However, his promises were
received with great skepticism from the Arab people. He should have
known this might happen when he became a car salesman. (Argus Hamilton)
SONIA SOTOMAYER
Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle when she tripped at LaGuardia Airport.
Apparently, she was trying to lean too much on the right to gain the
trust of some senators. (Pedro Bartes)
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her right ankle. She will
now lean to the left. In other words, who'll notice? (Alan Ray)
Boy, this is a weird story. Supreme Court nominee Sonya Sotomayor is
at LaGuardia and she breaks her ankle. This happened, like, two days
ago. And in a 5-to-4 ruling, the current justices have voted to send
her a get well card. (David Letterman)
Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle when she tripped at LaGuardia Airport
on her way to meet some senators. Obama is very optimistic she'll make
it in the Supreme Court; as of yesterday, she got almost 57 senators
signing her cast. (Pedro Bartes)
Judge Sonia Sotomayor fractured her ankle at the airport Monday but
she went to the White House before getting it treated. It wasn't
necessary. You don't need the president's okay for a doctor's
appointment until the health care bill actually passes. (Argus Hamilton)
A top Republican is angry that Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor
belongs to an elite private group. The top Republican is angry and so
is everyone at his country club. (Conan O'Brien)
If confirmed, Justice Sotomayor would be the sixth Catholic on the
Supreme Court, making them de facto a Knights of Columbus post.
(Michael Feldman)
CARRIE PREJEAN
Carrie Prejean has been dethroned as Miss California USA for "contract
violations,". She is expected to return the crown and the fake boobies
today at 5. (Pedro Bartes)
Controversial anti-gay sex marriage proponent and accidental topless
model, Carrie Prejean, was fired as Miss California by pageant
officials for dereliction of her duties. Prejean said she didn't mean
to blow off her duties, the wind accidentally blew them away. (Alex
Kaseberg)
Miss California - remember Miss California? Got herself in a lot of
trouble, shooting her mouth off. Gee, I wonder what that's like. Well,
now, Miss California's been fired. Don't worry. President Obama said
he will announce a replacement within a week, so that will be good.
(David Letterman)
Some controversy today surrounding Miss California, Carrie Prejean.
She's the one who said she was against same-sex marriage. Some wanted
her to be stripped of her title because of it, but Donald Trump, who
owns the pageant, said no, she's entitled to her opinion and she'll
remain Miss California. Well, today he fired her, which is what he
does, I guess. My money says she's a Fox News anchor by the … by now.
By right now. (Jimmy Kimmel)
SARAH PALIN
Governor Sarah Palin is travelling around the country claiming that
President Obama is wasting taxpayer dollars with his expensive ideas.
And this from a woman who went to New York and attended a Yankees
game? (Janice Hough)
Ladies and gentlemen, I am in so much trouble, because? I'll tell you
why - the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming,
angry, seeing red, and has called me "pathetic." Yup, that's right.
Honestly, I haven't been called pathetic - well, since the honeymoon,
actually. (David Letterman)
Governor Sarah Palin is making San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom look
like a homebody. Actually with all Sarah's travel should we as
Americans be worried about Russia? Because Governor Palin isn't in her
house enough these days to watch them. (Janice Hough)
Sarah Palin is furious at David Letterman at jokes he made she alleges
were about her 14-year-old daughter that Letterman clearly intended
for her formerly pregnant 18-year-old daughter, Bristol. Are we
supposed to believe Palin isn't smart enough to figure that out? Oh,
yeah. (Alex Kaseberg)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Yeah. Yeah, half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-
American, and the other half had never seen a skinny person. (Conan
O'Brien)
King Abdullah draped a giant gold chain around President Obama's neck
Thursday attached to a diamond-studded platinum medal. It's the Saudi
Order of Merit. Under U.S. gift rules the president can't keep it or
wear it until he forms his own rap label. (Argus Hamilton)
President Obama has been criticized for having his picture taken while
talking to some one with his feet up on the desk. In some cultures it
is considered an insult to show the bottom of your shoes. Baloney!
He's the president. He's black. And he's got soles. (Bill Williams)
Bo seems right at home in the White House. I hear he's already as
comfortable under the desk in the Oval Office as Monica Lewinsky.(Rich
Orwell)
President Obama infuriated Israelis Thursday by demanding Israel
withdraw from the West Bank. It's not in his hands. Israel will always
have the full and unwavering support of the American people as long as
gasoline stays under four dollars a gallon. (Argus Hamilton)
Hillary Clinton said she had changed her mind about Obama's readiness
for that 3am phone call. Even if when she calls at that time Barack
doesn't usually know where Bill is either. (Janice Hough)
President Obama apologized for Western colonialism in his speech to
the Muslim world. He'll come around. If Obama wants to provide free
health care for everyone in America he's going to have to conquer an
African nation and steal all its diamonds. (Argus Hamilton)
THE ADMINISTRATION
FEMA is planning on putting evacuees from future hurricane disasters
in foreclosed homes. If they give them all a GM vehicle to use that
will be a way to tie in three disasters all at once. (Jim Barach)
THE ECONOMY
The commerce department reports that unemployment in the U.S. is at
9.4%, the highest in more than 25 years. They would have offered
further statistics, but they were short handed. (Tim Hunter)
A report says that one in six dollars in American income are from a
Federal or State check. That's mostly because we are now paying those
GM executive salaries with taxpayer money. (Jim Barach)
A study says that medical bills are behind 60% of all U.S.
bankruptcies. The other 40% are from funeral costs for the people who
couldn't get health care in the first place. (Jim Barach)
THE CONGRESS
Congress passed the Cash for Clunkers bill Tuesday, offering drivers
forty-five hundred dollars for old large-engine cars to get people to
go green. Conservatives are absolutely mortified. We were so worried
the government was going to come and take away our guns we never even
noticed they were going to come and tow away our cars. (Argus Hamilton)
THE STATES
Hawaii found a note from Abraham Lincoln among its archives. It was a
"to do" list. "Free the slaves, check, save the Union, check, appear
on "Larry King Live", check." (Alex Kaseberg)
LOCAL NEWS
A 16-year-old boy in Fremont, California – a suburb of San Francisco –
will run for City Council in 2010. Asked where he garnered the
experience to work on a city council, he replied, "Third
grade." (Jerry Perisho)
THE REPUBLICANS
The Gallup Poll said Tuesday more Americans feel that Rush Limbaugh
speaks for the Republicans. He's a conservative white male. It's such
a vanishing American that in a year every man with an Engish family
name will qualify for a casino license. (Argus Hamilton)
SECURITY & TERRORISM
The FBI arrested a couple who work for the State Department on
Saturday for spying for Cuba for thirty years. They tipped off Castro
every time the CIA had a new a plot to kill him. It turns out that
espionage is the real secret to Cuba's health care success rate.
(Argus Hamilton)
ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN
Queen Elizabeth bestowed a knighthood upon L.A. police chief Bill
Bratton Friday for aiding Britain in counter-terrorism. He's thrilled.
Los Angeles has the only big city police force in America that isn't
Irish, so he was free to accept an award from England without having
to worry about a friendly fire incident after he got home. (Argus
Hamilton)
WESTERN EUROPE
Cops in France are searching for a thief who stole a notebook full of
Picasso's sketches. The thief should be easy to find—he has just one
eye and his foot is on his forehead. (Jimmy Fallon)
A Spanish bakery is being sued for throwing out the severed arm of an
employee. The store signage is at least accurate. When it says "some
items 25 percent off", it's not lying. (Alan Ray)
IRAQ & IRAN
Folks been following the elections in Iran? I know you have. Anyway,
President Ahmadinejad is in a tight race, but today, he got great news
for the campaign - he was endorsed by Mel Gibson. (David Letterman)
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused his opponent in today's
election of using Hitler-like propaganda against him. The Holocaust
denier is accusing his opponent of Hitler-like tactics. Today's
election could come down to who has the best mustache. (Argus Hamilton)
THE MIDDLE EAST
Political experts say that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
is expected to endorse what he calls a "two-state solution" where
Israelis and Palestinians live side-by-side but have no contact.
Netanyahu said, "It'll be just like being married to a Jewish
woman." (Conan O'Brien)
Saudi King Abdullah urged President Obama to order Israel to withdraw
from the West Bank. What an outrage. Last week the Saudi king draped a
thick gold chain around Obama's neck and now he's threatening to sell
him down river if he doesn't do as he's told. (Argus Hamilton)
THE FAR EAST
A Chinese company is buying Hummer from GM. With China in control, the
gas in the tank will be the only thing about this vehicle that is
unleaded. (Jim Barach)
The U.N. World Food Program says North Korean nuclear tests are making
it harder for them to help the hungry of that country. Though they are
helping to reheat the leftovers. (Todd Long)
North Korea was shown in satellite photos Friday preparing to launch a
missile that could reach Hawaii. This is our chance. If history
teaches us anything, it is that nothing will get America out of a
depression like a sneak attack on Pearl Harbor. (Argus Hamilton)
SCIENCE & HEALTH
Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous
on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don't get too
excited. It's mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just
sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through. (Jimmy Fallon)
At a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisc., President Obama said that
Americans can reduce the cost of health care by taking better care of
themselves. Wait a minute, isn't that the Republican health care plan?
(Paul Seaburn)
President Obama says he wants to create a national health care plan
that's both affordable and easy to use. Yup. Yeah, good. Yeah, and the
insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who
are both affordable and easy to use. (Conan O'Brien)
A study at the University of Michigan says that when women bond it
increases the hormone progesterone which boosts their well being. No
wonder Manny Ramirez seemed so relaxed even when he was suspended.
(Jim Barach)
Several NBC employees have been diagnosed with the swine flu.
Unfortunately, none of those employees have anything to do with "I'm a
Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here." (Conan O'Brien)
Doctors are testing a new kind of obesity reduction surgery, where
they send a tube the size of a garden hose down your throat to staple
your stomach. To help patients feel more at ease about the procedure,
the tube is made entirely of Toblerone. (Conan O'Brien)
Big science news. A new element will be added to the periodic table.
It's the heaviest element in the table. It's called ununbium, which is
Latin for "thigh of Rush Limbaugh." (Jimmy Fallon)
SPORTS
Boston Red Sox's David Ortiz passed an eye exam so eyesight is not to
blame for his season-long slump. Gosh, so what could make a player's
home run total plummet the exact same time Major League Baseball is
cracking down on performance enhancing drugs? Shoot, I feel like I
should know this one. Nope, I don't get it. (Alex Kaseberg)
The Orlando Magic hit 1 of 6 crucial freethrows down the stretch. It
was enough to make their fans miss the clutch foul shooting of
Shaquille O'Neal. (Janice Hough)
The Orlando Magic have contacted the White House. Now THEY'RE asking
for a bailout! (Tim Hunter)
Among the finalists in the New York Daily News' nickname contest for
the Yankees' new homer-happy ballpark: "Jack in the Bronx." (Dwight
Perry)
On Jonathan Ericsson playing in Game one of the Stanley Cup finals 3
days after undergoing an appendectomy: "I think I have the same
HMO." (Steve Schrader)
Sometime in the future Dodger fans may suspect Manny Ramirez is again
taking female hormones when during afternoon games he demands the
Jumbotron be tuned to Oprah. (Andy Richter)
The cover of "Sports Illustrated" features a 16-year-old baseball
phenomenon, Bryce Harper, who can pitch a 96-mile-an-hour fastball,
hit a 570 foot home run and he is so cute he actually makes Manny
Rameriz's uterus hurt. (Alex Kaseberg)
ENTERTAINMENT
Television stations go all digital today. Of course, this won't affect
viewers of the Lifetime network. Both have cable. (Alan Ray)
Will Ferrell had the first box-office bomb of his career on Friday
when Land of the Lost came out. The title killed it. People today
aren't about to pay ten bucks to watch something they can see for free
when they open up their financial statements. (Argus Hamilton)
Tuesday was Donald Duck's 75th birthday. He is just like every other
75-year-old male I know; walking around wearing a funny hat and no
pants. (Jerry Perisho)
THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET
Ladies and gentlemen, I am in so much trouble, because? I'll tell you
why - the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming,
angry, seeing red, and has called me "pathetic." Yup, that's right.
Honestly, I haven't been called pathetic - well, since the honeymoon,
actually. (David Letterman)
CELEBRITIES
George Bush Sr. will celebrate his 85th birthday on Friday by
skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. They will be falling at roughly
the same rate as CNN's ratings. (Jerry Perisho)
David Carradine was found dead in a Bangkok hotel room. They say it
was an auto-erotic accident. I have only one question — how did they
get that car in the room? (Bill Williams)
Mike Tyson just got married for the third time. It was a small
wedding; the preacher, Tyson, his bride, and her four bodyguards.
(Neil Berliner)
Former 1998 San Diego Charger 2nd draft pick and NFL washout, Ryan
Leaf, is wanted by the police in Texas. This marks the first time the
words wanted and Ryan Leaf have appeared together since 1998. (Alex
Kaseberg)
Rumors have it that Bill Belichick is going to marry long-time
companion Linda Holliday. He's already ordered a tuxedo with a hood on
it. (Bill Littlejohn)
Recently, Michael Phelps released a children's book he wrote called,
"How to Train With a T. Rex and Win Eight Gold Medals." Then he wrote
another book called, "How to Make a Bong Out of a Milk Carton." (Conan
O'Brien)
Reverend Jeremiah Wright is blaming "them Jews" for not letting him
talk to President Obama. Meanwhile, James Von Brunn is blaming "them
security guards" for not letting him talk to "them Jews." (Jake Novak)
Captain Sully Sullenberger told Congress this week how he landed his
stricken U. S. Airways jet on the Hudson River. He wants a better
warning system for when there are birds in a plane's flight path. In
their defense, the geese testified that they honked (Argus Hamilton)
Sonny and Cher's daughter, Chastity Bono, is having a sex-change
operation. To help the procedure run smoothly, Cher is donating much
of her disgarded body tissue from her last 17 plastic surgeries. (Jake
Novak)
Chastity Bono, 40-year-old daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono, is going
to have a sex change operation to become a man. "I got one, babe." Why
do I get the feeling somewhere right now, Sonny is kind of glad he
didn't wear a ski helmet? Cher looks excited about the sex change
operation for Chastity. Of course, with all of her facelifts, Cher
looks excited about just about everything. (Alex Kaseberg)
Whitney Houston's first album in over seven years will be released on
September 1st. Asked what roll Bobby Brown played in the making of the
album, Whitney said, "Beats me." (Jerry Perisho)
South Dakota rancher Neal Wanless won the Powerball Lottery Friday,
winning two hundred thirty-two million dollars. He said he'll spend
the money responsibly. If he sounded any less like an American he
would never make it through airport security. (Argus Hamilton)
The inventor of the salad bar, Norman Brinker, has died. He was 78,
which makes him just six months younger than the lettuce at Sizzler.
(Bill Williams)
EDUCATION
Sign in subway: "Learn English! If you don't speak fluent English, how
can you realistically expect to successfully negotiate this abysmal
job market? (Classes forming now in YOUR language!)" (Neil Berliner)
Studies show that schools that pay their students to get good grades
actually get results. The only problem is that with unemployment so
high, most of those students are probably Harvard graduates that went
back to school just to make a quick buck. (Pedro Bartes)
An all-time high of 20 million U. S. children are now getting free
school lunches. The spike is sending the worldwide tater tot market
into chaos. (Jake Novak)
RELIGION
A pastor in Kentucky is asking parishioners to bring their guns to
church to help celebrate the Fourth of July and the Second Amendment.
The church loves the idea. Donations have gone up 500% since they
started passing the collection plate at gunpoint. (Jimmy Fallon)
HISTORY
Normandy was invaded by world leaders Saturday for the D-Day
anniversary. What a story. The night before the invasion Ike told the
GIs they were embarking on a Great Crusade, prompting Barack Obama to
apologize to the Arab world for the D-Day invasion. (Argus Hamilton)
President Obama spoke in Normandy Saturday to mark the Allied landing
on Omaha Beach on D-Day. The American assault force included no black
people, no Asians and no Hispanics. Why the Germans were even shooting
at us is a mystery to the president. (Argus Hamilton)
France welcomed the leaders of Britain, Canada and the U.S. for the
sixty-fifth anniversary of D-Day. It's important. Every five years we
have to remind France that we saved them, otherwise they won't let us
go through their air space to bomb people. (Argus Hamilton)
CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
A court threw out a lawsuit by a San Diego woman alleging fraud
because Cap'n Crunch Crunchberries weren't a real fruit. She had
previously sued because there was no real fruit in Froot Loops. Maybe
she should sue because sugared cereal rots your brain? (Janice Hough)
BUSINESS & LABOR
Apple has slashed the price of an iPhone 3G to just $99. It's part of
the company's sales goal. By the end of 2009, they want to add at
least 3 million more bad drivers. (Alan Ray)
Roger Penske bought Saturn from GM on Friday, acquiring three hundred
and fifty dealerships, but he will outsource the car manufacturing.
That's a relief. The cars will be made overseas but the dealers will
be American, so you can still be cheated. (Argus Hamilton)
Finally some good news from the American auto industry. Fiat, which
took over Chrysler this week, says it plans to build its cars with
American, not Italian, workers. Fiat says it got the idea from the
Olive Garden. (Conan O'Brien)
Edward Whitaker, the former chairman of AT&T, was appointed the new
chairman of General Motors. In an interview, the new chairman actually
said, "I don't know anything about cars." I respect that. He's keeping
up the G.M. tradition. (Jimmy Fallon)
R.J. Reynolds is test marketing dissolvable tobacco candies. Smokers
enjoy the benefits. They don't be inhale tar and nicotine, but still
have the same bad breath. (Alan Ray)
Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis testifies to Congress today how the
Treasury Department forced him to take over Merrill Lynch last fall.
What does a Treasury Secretary do after he meets with a bank
executive? He wipes the pepper spray out of his eyes. (Argus Hamilton)
OTHER NEWS
From time to time, we have had public figures who were incapable of
not issuing idiotic statements. The boozed-up wife of that sinister
criminal, Watergate figure, John Mitchell, Margaret Mitchell, Jimmy
Carter's mother and brother and obviously Jesse Jackson. But never
have there been so many celebrities and political types who simply
cannot shut their stupid yappers. And they fall on all sides of the
political and celebrity spectrum: Michael Moore, Donald Trump, Rush
Limbaugh, Joe Biden, Howard Stern, John Edwards, Paris Hilton, Rosie
O'Donnell, Star Jones, recently Dick Cheney and now Sarah Palin. (Alex
Kaseberg)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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One Management NY 
Hessler appeared in the 2005 film Christmas in Miami (Italian: Natale a Miami), along with Christian de Sica, and consequently her popularity soared. She plays Greek princess, Irina, in the 2008 Asterix at the Olympic Games (French: Astérix aux Jeux Olympiques), a film that also stars Alain Delon and Gérard Depardieu. She also plays the leading female role in Per Una Notte d'Amore (English: For a Night of Love), which was filmed in Italy and released in 2008 as a 2 part TV special.
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