WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-06-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "The Tonight Show With Conan
O'Brien." Thank you. Thank you! I have to admit, I think I've timed
this moment perfectly. Think about it. I'm on a last place network, I
moved to a state that's bankrupt, and "The Tonight Show"' is sponsored
by General Motors. (Colan O'Brien)
Yesterday president Barack Obama met the king of Saudi Arabia, who
kissed Obama twice. Obama says he hasn't gotten this kind of treatment
since he met Keith Olbermann. (Colon O'Brien)
Definition of eternity: Joe Biden trying to compress his thoughts into
a 140 character Twitter. (Janice Hough)
Dick Chenney now supports gay marriage. Actually, he is pro-torture so
he supports any kind of marriage. (Pedro Bartes)
Manny Ramirez turned 37 on Saturday. But veteran Dodger-watchers,
citing the miracle of modern medicine, swear she doesn't look a day
over 29. (Dwight Perry)
George W. Bush called Bill Clinton his "brother" at their recent joint
appearance. To which Clinton responded, "I'M ADOPTED, I'M
ADOPTED!" (Dora Glasberg)
I want to congratulate General Motors' newest C. E.O., us. (Jimmy
Fallon)
General Motors filed for bankruptcy. Said they owe $175 billion, filed
for bankruptcy. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? You
know what it means, GM filing for bankruptcy? I'll tell you what it
means. It means another enormous bonus for their CEO That's what it
means. (David Letterman)
If you heard the news today, you know that the state of California is
officially out of money. We have no money — one day without Leno,
everything goes to hell around here. (Jimmy Kimmel)
Asked if she would take performance-enhancing drugs if she could get
away with it, and it would help her win the Indi 500: "We,, then it's
not cheating, is it if nobody finds out?" (Danica Patrick)
A doctor says that Lamar Odom's inconsistency in the playoffs is due
to a large amount of candy consumption that leads to highs and
crashes. So, when Lamar is on the court, I guess the Lakers go into a
Twinkie Defense. (Bill Littlejohn)
Last week, Rush Limbaugh said that Supreme Court nominee Sonia
Sotomayor was a racist. But this week, Rush says he may support her.
Yeah. Limbaugh says that he can't support Sotomayor until he's 100%
sure she's a racist. (Colan O'Brien)
The C.I.A. announced that they have a new lead on Osama bin Laden.
They think that he's been hiding out in the $2,500 dollar seats at
Yankee Stadium. They think that's where he is. (David Letterman)
When I started this show, my hair was black and the president was
white. You know, the only thing that hasn't changed in 17 years, the
Clippers still suck. (Jay Leno)
Please, I'll correct this for everybody. The correct pronunciation is
"Sota-Mayor." Unless you're a Republican, and then I believe it's
pronounced "Sodomizer." (Jon Stewart)
How can we refer to our money as dough? We should just call it Silly
Putty! (Gil Stern)
I'm learning a lot about Los Angeles. This is cool. When Los Angeles
was founded its original name was El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina
de los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula. That's true. Luckily for us,
that name was changed before Arnold Schwarzenegger moved here. (Colan
O'Brien)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
President Obama is visiting Egypt. He was shown the most recognizable
relics of ancient civilization. And after his briefing on GM and
Chrysler, it was out to see the pyramids. (Alan Ray)
President Obama played up his Muslim roots during his visit to the
Middle East Thursday. It was over the top. Last night he went on
television and promised that anyone who buys a General Motors car will
be greeted by seventy-two virgins in heaven. (Argus Hamilton)
President Obama opened his speech in Cairo with a greeting in coherent
Arabic. Much of the Muslim world was shocked. "Tell us about it", said
all the Americans who are still getting used to our President opening
a speech in coherent English. (Janice Hough)
Bo is settling in nicely. He's already as comfortable on all fours in
the Oval Office as Monica Lewinsky. (Rich Orwell)
During an NBC news special, President Obama showed Brian Williams what
tricks his new puppy Bo could do. In fact, Bo has already learned to
sit up and beg for federal bailout money. (Colan O'Brien)
President Obama and Michelle went on a "date night" up to New York.
Former President Bush said it sounded like a nice idea, and former
President Clinton said "you can date your wife?" (Janice Hough)
People get upset about everything. People are already screaming. They
say: "You know what that little date that the President and his wife
went on in New York City, you know what that cost people? Twenty four
thousand dollars. It lasted four hours and it cost $24,000." And
former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said, "That's about right." (David
Letterman)
President Obama has been criticized for taking his wife to New York
City for a dinner and Broadway show. But come on, Barack didn't do
anything ridiculously extravgant, like taking Michelle to a Yankees
game. (Janice Hough)
Nancy Reagan, noting President Obama signing the Ronald Reagan
commemoration act with his left hand, said, "Oh, you're lefty! " He
replied, "You're so righty! " (Paul Feehan)
Have any of you been watching this show, "Inside the Obama White
House"? It's a reality show, set in the White House. Twenty five women
and Brian Williams compete for Barack Obama's love. And Congress votes
them out one by one. (Jimmy Kimmel)
THE ADMINISTRATION
Vice President Biden was here in New York yesterday and bought a
designer suit at Barney's for $2,400. I know. It's a lot but it's high
quality material, made from the same fabric as his hair. (Jimmy Fallon)
In New York, Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech at a $1,000-a-
plate fundraiser dinner. That's nothing, people paid $10,000-a-plate
to attend the "Joe Biden Will Not Speak" fundraiser dinner. (Alex
Kaseberg)
THE COURTS
Some are worried that Sonia Sotomayor is such a champion of the
underdog that she will never be supportive of the rich and privileged.
How can they think that? The woman is a Yankees fan. (Janice Hough)
Bank of America won an appeal this week that will permit banks to
collect overdraft fees by taking money from individual Social Security
accounts. Well, that's one good thing resulting from Social Security
going bankrupt; at least Bank of America won't get your money. (Jerry
Perisho)
THE STATES
Governor Schwarzenegger this morning said the "day of reckoning is
here," but he said it with a funny accent, which means either he has a
new movie called "The Day of Reckoning" that's here this weekend or
we're screwed. I'm not sure. (Jimmy Kimmel)
Gay marriage is now legal in New Hampshire. Such weddings are having
an impact on the state's economy. Sales at Linens and Things have shot
up 300 percent. (Alan Ray)
Today in New Hampshire, the state Senate approved a bill that would
help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is "Live
Free or Bi." (Jimmy Fallon)
LOCAL NEWS
The South Carolina funeral board has revoked the licenses of a funeral
home and its director for cutting the legs of a 6-foot-7 man so his
corpse would fit in a casket. The director claimed the guy didn't need
the feet anymore; he had already kicked the bucket. (Pedro Bartes)
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was reported Monday to be having an
extramarital affair with a second female news anchor. He came close to
being a national figure. Had Hillary Clinton been elected president he
would have been Bill Clinton's stunt double. (Argus Hamilton)
THE REPUBLICANS
Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to
support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the
announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him. (Colan O'Brien)
Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. There's also the
good news that today, Dick Cheney received a marriage proposal from
Senator Larry Craig. (Craig Ferguson)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
Phil Spector has been sentenced to 19 years in prison. He'll still be
able to produce a few numbers. California plate DSV448, California
plate DSV449, California plate DSV450 … (Alan Ray)
Beatles producer Phil Spector got a nineteen-year sentence Friday for
the shooting death of Lana Clarkson. His options are twofold now. He
can appeal the verdict, or he can wait a month for Governor
Schwarzenegger to sell all the prisons to a condo developer. (Argus
Hamilton)
Phil Spector was sentenced Friday to 19 years to life in prison for
killing an actress in his home in 2003. Spector's experience as a
record producer is going to come in handy in prison. He'll be singing
and dancing a lot in his jail cell; sometimes his cellmate will even
let him wear clothes. (Jerry Perisho)
SECURITY & TERRORISM
The U. S. government accidentally released a confidential list of
exact locations of nuclear sites around the country. Authorities have
no idea who was responsible -- it was Biden. Okay. It was Joe Biden.
(Jimmy Fallon)
Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's
determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure
Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of
General Motors. (Colan O'Brien)
ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN
Prince Harry visited New York City for the first time. He spoke to
several jobless people. And after he hung up with the family, it was
on to Manhattan. (Alan Ray)
Prince Harry got a joyful reception in New York Friday on his first
diplomatic trip to America. He won't be allowed out at night. Prince
Harry is being watched like a seal hunter in a Sierra Club documentary
and under the same rules, no clubbing. (Argus Hamilton)
THE FAR EAST
There is a big announcement in North Korea. Kim Jong Il has named his
son as his future successor. A president's son becoming president?
That would never happen here. (Craig Ferguson)
Speaker Pelosi's recent visit to China focused more on environmental
issues than human rights. I guess all the torturing the Chinese do
just slipped her mind. (Todd Long)
Today is the 20-year anniversary of the Tiananmen Square protest.
Yeah, yeah. Or, as the Chinese government refers to it, 'Nothing
Happened Day. (Conan O'Brien)
SCIENCE & HEALTH
Government advisers are developing menus that cut out "high carbon"
foods that cause global warming emissions such as lamb, tomatoes and
alcohol. Apparently beans didn't make the list because they don't
cause harmful emissions until after they are eaten. (Jim Barach)
THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT
Not only are we out of money, we're running out of water, too.
Southern California is in the middle of another drought. The
Department of Water and Power this week announced that you can only
turn your sprinklers on on Monday and Thursday and that the fire
department is only going to be putting out fires on Wednesdays and
Saturdays. (Jimmy Kimmel)
SPORTS
The Lakers and Magic did battle tonight at the Staples Center.
President Obama is said to be monitoring the situation very closely.
He's calling on both sides to show restraint and work towards peace.
(Jimmy Kimmel)
Phoenix Suns' Shaquille O'Neal has a Superman logo tattooed on his
arm, another mounted on the grill of his Bentley, and yet a third on a
ring set in diamonds and gold. Shaq feels a certain closeness to the
Man of Steel as well he should. His girlfriend says he's "faster than
a speeding bullet." (Bob Mills)
Lebron James has been fined $25,000 for skipping the media press
conference after the Cavaliers' loss to Orlando. Actually, if David
Stern wants to really benefit the NBA maybe he shouldn't fine Lebron
for staying away from press conferences. Maybe he should pay Mark
Cuban to stay away from them. (Janice Hough)
LeBron underwent a procedure to remove a growth from his mouth. No
word yet if his foot is okay. (fark.com)
On the Red Wings' Jonathan Ericsson playing in Game 1 of the Stanley
Cup Final three days after undergoing an appendectomy: "I think I have
the same HMO." (Steve Schrader)
Romanian star Simona Halep, letting nothing get in the way of her
tennis career, announced she plans to undergo breast-reduction
surgery. Or as the procedure is better known in tennis circles, fixed
doubles. (Dwight Perry)
Kavya Shivashankar, 13, won the National Spelling Bee by correctly
spelling her own name. (Bill Littlejohn)
The N.A.A.C.P. may call for a boycott if Nascar refuses to remove the
Confederate flag from Homestead-Miami Motor Speedway. Gee, what will
Nascar do with that extra ticket? (Todd Long)
Manny Ramirez is now only about a month away from returning from his
suspension for being caught with the fertility drug HCG in his system.
The Dodgers are eagerly awaiting his return, and apparently Joe Torre
has personally volunteered to host the baby shower. (Janice Hough)
A Lakeland, Fla., couple has been charged with selling steroids to pro
athletes, including the Washington Nationals. But legal wags say
defense lawyers — with the Nats' woeful record as Exhibit A — have a
compelling argument for lack of evidence. (Dwight Perry)
The New York Daily News is reporting that some members of the New York
Mets may be suffering from swine flu, which is scary because usually,
the Mets don't start choking 'til September. (Jimmy Fallon)
Carlos Zambrano was suspended for six games following his recent
meltdown. Which was shocking, since Cubs' fans are not normally used
to meltdowns before September. (Janice Hough)
I just saw a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you took the SAT for
Derrick Rose" (Greg Cote)
They have built us a beautiful studio here in Los Angeles. It's
absolutely gorgeous. This studio holds 380 people. That's right. It's
exactly like being at a Clipper game. (Colan O'Brien)
ENTERTAINMENT
CBS ordered more song and dance numbers in the Tony Awards on Sunday.
Musicals all have the same plot nowadays. It's boy meets girl, boy
meets boy, boy leaves girl for boy, boy marries boy, boy's marriage to
boy nullified by the voters of California. (Argus Hamilton)
Bravo TV has announced that it is developing The Real Housewives of D.
C. It can't be as exciting as the other Real Housewives shows. In DC
we know already that most husbands are in bed with lobbyists. (Pedro
Bartes)
"Anaconda 4" is out in theaters. No real snake was harmed in the
making of this film. Agents weren't allowed on the set. (Alan Ray)
Tonight is the second night of "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien."
The good news is, anything that runs this long on NBC is considered a
smash hit. (Colan O'Brien)
CELEBRITIES
Susan Boyle's career is really taking off! Barel)y seven weeks since
her first television appearance, and she's already in rehab! (jtd7)
In the next issue of Rolling Stone, "American Idol" runner-up Adam
Lambert will apparently announce he is gay. This will come as quite a
shock to both people who are just getting over the discovery that Clay
Aiken is gay. (Janice Hough)
An investigation reveals David Carradine died as a result of an auto-
erotic sex game. Auto-erotic is a fancy way of saying he was giving
himself the old Kung Fu grip. (Alex Kaseberg)
Nadya Suleman will apparently star with her fourteen children in a
reality television show to be aired only in Britain. Which is shocking
really, there is a reality show that even Americans find too
distasteful? Working titles for the show: "Fourteen's Company", "Eight
is Not Enough", "Unmarried with Children". (Janice Hough)
Continuing to overstay her 15 minutes of fame bubble, OctoMom, Nadya
Suleman, was cited in La Habra for driving while talking on her
cellphone. She had at least one-fourteenth of her brood on board when
cited. Maybe she was phoning in her application for mother of the
year? (Pat Costa)
The Octomom has signed a contract for a reality show. But isn't Nadya
Suleman hosting a reality show like George W. Bush hosting "Are You
Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?" (Janice Hough)
EDUCATION
They (Los Angeles) actually had to cancel summer school, because we
have no money to pay for it. Most summer school programs in L. A. have
been cancelled. It's part of a new program they're rolling out called
"Leave No Child Ahead." (Jimmy Kimmel)
RELIGION
Vatican officials are worried that Catholics are no longer going to
confession. And you know what happens when priests have idle time on
their hands and no one is around to monitor them. (Jerry Perisho)
BUSINESS & LABOR
Wal-Mart says it wants to hire 22,000 new workers in the U.S. this
year. GM and Chrysler are promising to help Wal-Mart meet that goal by
laying off 22,000 workers just this month. (Jake Novak)
I want to congratulate General Motors' newest CEO, us. General Motors
filed for bankruptcy earlier today, but it's not all bad. I kind of
like our chances. They say that the company will emerge from
bankruptcy in three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first.
(Jimmy Fallon)
Several Chrysler and Cadillac dealers plan to sell wi-fi for cars.
Some might question the safety issue. If a driver is surfing the net,
he can't pay attention to his cell phone. (Alan Ray)
The U. S. is gearing up to fight cyber-wars with a secret weapon to
destabilize systems: Microsoft Vista. (Michael Feldman)
As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an
entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called
General Tso's Motors. (Jimmy Fallon)
Disney Cruise Lines will send the stars of "High School Musical, "
"Camp Rock" and "Hannah Montana" on several of its cruises this
summer. This is the first time I am pulling for the Somali pirates.
(Jerry Perisho)
AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES
A new report shows that 62% of Americans use the Internet every day.
The other 38% prefer to watch their porn on the weekends only. (Jake
Novak)
A new poll shows that Americans have a more negative view of Muslim
countries now than back in 2002. That's because the media never
reports any of the good bombings. (Jimmy Fallon)
According to a new survey, 28% of people would rather talk about
constipation than politics. At least when you talk constipation you
keep the crap inside; when you discuss politics you spill it all over.
(Pedro Bartes)
OTHER NEWS
Starting Monday, U.S. citizens need to present passports when entering
Canada, Mexico, Bermuda or the Caribbean. Or, you can just ride in the
trunk of a car with your gardener. (Jerry Perisho)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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