Foundit: Hilariously Serious: 2009-05-10

[FunOnTheNet] $$ .,.,. 2009 Swine Flu outbreak .,.,. $$

In late April, an outbreak of a new strain of H1N1 Influenza, commonly called "swine flu", was detected in Mexico City. The initial spread of the virus appeared to be rapid - that, coupled with several deaths of young, otherwise healthy flu victims raised global awareness and initial alarm. As of today, Mexico has confirmed over 800 infections and 42 deaths resulting from H1N1 - 22 countries worldwide now have reported 1,516 cases of influenza A (H1N1). Recent reports have been more restrained, however, with no apparent evience of a pandemic, milder-than-expected flu symptoms, and a rate of infection only slightly higher than a normal seasonal flu. Collected here are photographs of people in Mexico and around the world dealing with H1N1 or or preparing for possible encounters.

A Mexican passenger is checked by a doctor at Benito Juarez International Airport in Mexico City, on May 4, 2009. Mexico's toll from the A(H1N1) influenza virus has increased to 22 dead and 568 infected cases, Health Minister Jose Angel Cordova said late Sunday, while the World Health Organisation says 20 countries have officially reported 1,003 cases of influenza A(H1N1) infections. (ALFREDO ESTRELLA/AFP/Getty Images)

A young girl wears a face mask to protect herself from swine flu, at Los Angeles International Airport on May 01, 2009. (MARK RALSTON/AFP/Getty Images)

Relatives of Juana Toribio, 39, who died last April 28 in Mexico City's Institute of Respiratory Illnesses, pause while preparing meals prior to her funeral services at her home town in Santa Maria Matamoros, Oaxaca state, Mexico. According to her death certificate she died from atypical pneumonia but Mexican health authorities told the Associated Press they believe she died of complications from the swine flu virus. (AP Photo/Alexandre Meneghini)

In this photo taken Thursday April 30, 2009, musicians take part in a funeral ceremony for Juana Toribio, who died in a Mexico City medical center last April 28 at her home town in Santa Maria Matamoros, Oaxaca state, Mexico. (AP Photo/Alexandre Meneghini)

Navy Doctor Captain Manuel Velasco displays a handful of vials containing samples taken from the throats of patients who are suspected of having swine flu at the Naval hospital in Mexico City, Sunday, May 3, 2009. (AP Photo/Dario Lopez-Mills)

A patient has an x-ray taken of her chest in the area where people suspected to have contracted the swine flu virus are treated at the Naval hospital in Mexico City, Sunday, May 3, 2009. (AP Photo/Dario Lopez-Mills)

Members of the cleaning brigades of Mexico City's government disinfect a subway station on May 2, 2009 in Mexico City. (MIGUEL CASTILLO/AFP/Getty Images)

A worker of the Cruz Azul's stadium, wearing a face mask, watches a Mexican soccer league match between Cruz Azul and Indios at the Cruz Azul's stadium, closed to the public by authorities as a precaution against swine flu, in Mexico City, Saturday May 2, 2009. (AP Photo/Claudio Cruz)

A woman wearing a surgical mask walks inside a subway station in Mexico City May 2, 2009. (REUTERS/Eliana Aponte (MEXICO HEALTH IMAGES OF THE DAY)

Customers walk past the anti-flu section at a supermarket in Taipei, Taiwan on May 4, 2009. The Chinese characters read "Anti-flu section." (REUTERS/Pichi Chuang)

Chinese health workers in protective outfits examine passengers onboard an AeroMexico flight AM 98 that landed at Pudong international airport in Shanghai from Mexico Thursday, April 30, 2009. A passenger on the flight who continued on to Hong Kong on China Eastern Airlines flight MU 505 later was diagnosed with swine flu. Chinese authorities suspended flights from Mexico to Shanghai, the only direct flight to the mainland. (AP Photo/EyePress)

British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell demonstrates how to cover your face while coughing, during a news conference at the BC Centre for Disease Control in Vancouver, British Columbia May 1, 2009. Several more cases of influenza A (H1N1), formerly referred to as swine flu, were confirmed in the province. (REUTERS/Lyle Stafford)

Workers sewing isolation gowns inside a Medtecs garments plant in Bataan province, north of Manila April 30, 2009. Medtecs, a plant in the Philippines producing face masks and isolation gowns has increased production by three times as demand for protected equipment grows due to swine flu outbreak. (REUTERS/Romeo Ranoco)

Wearing protective gear, a medic works in the emergency area where people with swine flu-like symptoms are checked at the Naval hospital in Mexico City Wednesday April 29, 2009. (AP Photo/Enric Marti)

A woman, wearing a face mask as a precaution against swine flu, holds a skeletal figure representing the folk saint known in Mexico as Santa Muerte, or Death Saint, during a ceremony in Mexico City, Friday May 1, 2009. (AP Photo/Eduardo Verdugo)

A masked child drives a bumper car in in Mexico City Thursday April 30, 2009. Every April 30th, Mexico celebrates Children's Day but due to the ongoing swine flu outbreak and the sanitary measures taken to contain it, most children remained inside their homes. (AP Photo/Miguel Tovar)

A Red Cross worker demonstrates how to properly wear and remove protective gloves during a training session with volunteers in Guatemala City April 29, 2009. (REUTERS/Daniel LeClair)

Priest Rogelio Peralta Gomez prays over Jamie Ximena during a baptism ceremony at a church service on May 3, 2009 in Mexico City, Mexico. (Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

A couple wearing surgical masks to avoid influenza A (H1N1) (swine flu virus), kisses at Mexico City's Zocalo square, on April 30, 2009. (LUIS ACOSTA/AFP/Getty Images)

Street musician Margarito Garcia, wearing a face mask, sits at the San Ysidro crossing port in Tijuana, Mexico, Friday, May 1, 2009.(AP Photo/Guillermo Arias)

Boxes of the antiviral drug Tamiflu are stacked in a warehouse in an undisclosed location in The United Kingdom on April 29, 2009. (REUTERS/Katie Collins/Pool)

Pig farm owner Nguyen Ngoc Thuc checks an one-day-old pig in his farm in Tan Lap Village in Hanoi, Vietnam, Wednesday, May 6, 2009. According to the owner, his farm makes extra effort to prevent the possible spread of swine flu, for example increasing disinfections, though Vietnam is currently free from the flu. (AP Photo/Chitose Suzuki)

A nurse demonstrates how to wear a high-efficiency particulate (HEPA) mask in a special ward to prepare for any possible Swine Flu outbreak, at Kasturba Gandhi Hospital in Mumbai, India, Sunday, May 3, 2009. (AP Photo/Rajanish Kakade)

A woman walks in a nearly empty building at the National Autonomous University of Mexico, UNAM, in Mexico City, Monday, May 4, 2009. Mexican officials lowered their flu alert level in the capital on Monday, and plan to allow schools, businesses, museums and libraries to reopen this week. (AP Photo/Miguel Tovar)

Egyptian farmers throw rocks towards police during clashes over an ordered mass slaughter of pigs in al-Mukatam neighbourhood in Cairo on May 3, 2009. Egyptian riot police clashed with stone-throwing pig farmers who were trying to prevent their animals being taken away for slaughter as part of a mass nationwide cull. Between 300 and 400 residents of a slum district of Cairo, where mostly Coptic Christian scrap merchants raise pigs, hurled stones and bottles at police. (KHALED DESOUKI/AFP/Getty Images)

An Egyptian policeman wears a mask as he stands guard in front of a pick up truck full of pigs at the main slaughterhouse in Cairo April 30, 2009. Egypt, hit hard by bird flu, has ordered the slaughter of every pig herd in the country as a precaution against swine flu, a step the United Nations said was a mistake. (REUTERS/Asmaa Waguih)

A man sprays disinfectant in a classroom as a prevention against the transmission of swine flu, while members of the media surround him at the Mexico's National Autonomous University, UNAM, in Mexico City, Tuesday, May 5, 2009. (AP Photo/Rodrigo Abd)

Government workers clean buildings to combat Influenza A H1N1 in downtown Mexico city May 5, 2009. (REUTERS/Daniel Aguilar)

A woman wearing a mask prays at an empty church at the Coyoacan neighborhood in Mexico City, Sunday, April 26, 2009. Churches stood empty in Mexico City after services were canceled.(AP Photo/Enric Marti)

Locals wearing face masks to prevent contagion of the swine flu return to work in Mexico City, on April 28, 2009. (OMAR TORRES/AFP/Getty Images)

A doctor checks patients presenting symptoms of the swine flu virus, now named influenza A(H1N1), kept in isolation at the National Institute of Respiratory Diseases (INER) in Mexico City on May 5, 2009. (LUIS ACOSTA/AFP/Getty Images)

Suspected member of the Gulf Cartel Gregorio Sauceda Gamboa, center, is escorted to be presented to the press after his arrest at federal police headquarters in Mexico City, Wednesday, April 29, 2009. He and the police officers escorting him wear face masks as a precaution against swine flu. Gamboa is one of Mexico's 24 most-wanted drug traffickers, according to federal police. (AP Photo/Marco Ugarte)

A University of Delaware student who did not want to be identified, rides around the university campus wearing a gas mask to make a statement about how he feels the swine flu is being overblown by the media, Thursday, April 30, 2009 in Newark, Del. Four cases of swine flu at the University of Delaware have been confirmed, state officials said. (AP Photo/The News Journal, Suchat Pederson)

A group of Mexicans wait on a bus prior to boarding a plane in Hong Kong early May 6, 2009. The plane was chartered to pick up Mexicans quarantined in Hong Kong to guard against the spread of influenza A (H1N1), formerly referred to as swine flu. (REUTERS/Mike Clarke/Pool)

In this April 28, 2009 photo, Edgar Hernandez, 4, who according to Mexico's Veracruz state authorities survived the swine flu, plays in his garden in La Gloria, Mexico. Hundreds of his neighbors in La Gloria - villagers who live among pig-breeding farms - were suffering from flu-like symptoms, as well. (AP Photo/Alexandre Meneghini)

A worker holds up a face mask at a hospital equipment factory in Cornella de Llobregat, near Barcelona, Spain, Thursday, April 30, 2009. Face mask sales for the company increased from 250,000 units to 1 million units per week due to the swine flu scare. (AP Photo/Manu Fernandez)

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Thanks,
Ŧ ♥ Bath

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[FunOnTheNet] Banyan Tree Phuket - Beautiful!

Hi,

Phuket is one of the southern provinces of Thailand. Phuket is the biggest island in Thailand, located in the Andaman Sea, in southern Thailand. The island is mostly mountainous with a mountain range in the west of the island from the north to the south.

See the pix here - http://www.funonthenet.in/content/view/309/31/

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[FunOnTheNet] Harry Potter and the order of phoenix

Bellatrix Lestrange

Bellatrix Lestrange in battle

Bellatrix Lestrange in prison. Scary.

More Bellatrix Lestrange in prison.

Cho, Hermione, Ron and others look on. What is Ron doing with his fist?

Harry Potter and the Magical Orb of Doom OR Harry Potter in the Department of Mysteries

The Ministry of Magic

Ron readies his Wand. Who is that we see in the reflected background?

Dumbledore's Army: Ron, Harry and Cho

And now it's time for the Evil Voldemort:

Thanks & Regards

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[FunOnTheNet] 100 years of wisdom!

100 years of wisdom!

A little known fact....Cricket

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 ......

.................and the first helmet was Used in 1974!!!!!!

It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important ..

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[FunOnTheNet] NATURE_* By Firstbrook

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[ funny jokes ] Cars in Heaven

Cars in Heaven

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.

He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

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[ funny jokes ] FW: duck

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?" ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .
............. ......... ......... .........

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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[FunOnTheNet] Punjab King & Queen

""there is no better doctor than a true friend""

Rajeev

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[FunOnTheNet] Shilpa shetty playing cricket with her Team

""there is no better doctor than a true friend""

Rajeev

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[JoannasJokes] Jest For Kids 05-15-09

JEST FOR KIDS 05-15-09
Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

RIDDLES

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.

What did the clock say to the watch?
Tock to you later.

Which Knight makes pottery?
Sir Amic.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.

Why did everyone buy the psychic clothes for her birthday?
Because they knew she was a medium

A lemon and an orange were on a high diving board. The orange jumped,
but the lemon didn't. Why?
The lemon was yellow.

In what part of a ballpark do you find the whitest clothes?
In the bleachers.

What city gets its name from dropping a waffle on the beach?
Sandy Eggo

Why was the elephant so tired?
His trunk was really heavy to carry each day.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

Ducks are always the first to leave the restuarant because they
already have their bills.

Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes, but upon arrival at the
correctional facility, he told the warden he wasn't at all worried
about his future. He knew he wouldn't have to serve the full term of
his penalty. "Why's that, Jimmy?" the warden asked "Sure of your
appeal, are you?" "No, sir." Jimmy replied. "Already making plans to
escape, then?" "Not a one, Warden." "Then why are you so sure you'll
be out of here before your time is up?" "Well, Warden," says Jimmy,
"it's like this. In the entire time I've been married; my wife has yet
to let me finish a sentence!"

Use "Somersault" in a sentence: Some of these bagels are onion,
SOMERSAULT.

Did you hear about the Bra manufacturers that went bust?

Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where'd
you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO,"
Tiffany replies. "They're watchdogs!"

"I composed a lot of poetry while in prison," Tom said conversely.

When the glassblower inhaled he got a pane in the stomach.

When my son was about 4 years old, we were driving down the road. I
took a drink of my coffee, and the lid came off and spilled all over
me. I mumbled a little bit, and pulled over to wipe up the mess, at
which time my son rolled his eyes, shook his finger at me, and said,
"That is exactly why you are NOT supposed to drink and drive!"

When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

This scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when
they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through
a broken fence. The scoutmaster tried honking his horn to scare the
cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound
was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the
problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed. As he got back into the
car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck. "Yep", he replied "Beep
repaired!!"

Inhabit: A dressed nun

Justice: It JUSTICE not right that she gets all the breaks.

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[JoannasJokes] Puns of the Day 05-15-09

PUNS OF THE DAY 05-15-09

PUNS

When does a woman enjoy a man's company?
When she owns it.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling
water?
Stu.

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The
doctor asks him what he's been eating. "I only eat pool balls," he
says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue
for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." "I see the
problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

He drove his expensive car into a tree, and found out how a Mercedes
bends.

"The price for a bus trip to the new stadium is exorbitant," said Tom
with considerable fanfare.

A frenzied mother was busy trying to prepare dinner for her family and
guests when in her haste she accidently spilled a jar of spice all
over herself. Her daughter chose that moment to wander into the
kitchen and say casually, "Hey, mom, I need someone to talk to." The
mother replied, "Why would you possibly choose right NOW to try to
talk to me?" To which the daughter responded, "Well, it looked like
you had some thyme on your hands."

I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do
NOT go see Dr. Acula!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.

Israeli ski racers at the Winter Olympics specialize in the Giant
Shalom. (Rich Orwell)

OTHER HUMOR

The economy is so bad CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough
for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is
to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

Two wrongs can make a riot.

Several women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject
turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to
church with me, I think he's going to go to hell." This led to talk
around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or
another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell. So, then the
housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try
to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven." Another one said, "No,
I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one
of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said
"You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?" She says
"No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight
to hell!" They were shocked and asked why. "Well, you don't expect me
to live in a world without men, do you?"

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know. (Abraham Lincoln)

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. (Paul Keating)

Before the shopper could pay for her groceries with a personal check,
I needed her address. "What's your street name?" I asked. "I don't
have a street name," she said. "I go by Juanita."

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and
takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting
about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.
Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off
the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his
customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

[FunOnTheNet] Are These the World's Ugliest Dogs?

Are These the World's Ugliest Dogs?

Here's Looking at You, Elwood

Elwood the dog, sporting a Mohawk and a totally freaky tongue, is probably used to attracting attention. He's a hairless Chinese Crested, a breed of dog well known for its "so-ugly-it's-cute" attributes. Pictured here in 2006, Elwood competed against several other dogs of the breed in the "World's Ugliest Dog" competition in Petaluma, Calf. Click through the gallery to see other contenders for the, um, "honor." (Little Elwood took the title in 2007.)

Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Gus Gives Us a Wink

At the 2008 World's Ugliest Dog competition, little Gus gets love from his owner. We're guessing his one eye and three legs gave him an edge.

Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Gus, the Full View

Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

All Hail Princess Chelsea

Robert Rond holds his Chinese Crested at the 2008 World's Ugliest Dog contest.

Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

A Face Only an Owner Could Love

A dog named Pee Wee Martini gets his moment in the spotlight at the 2007 World's Ugliest Dog contest.

Photo: David Paul Morris/Getty Images

Archie 'Wins' the Blue Ribbon in 2006!

Heather Peoples of Phoenix hoists her winning Chinese Crested dog named Archie at the 2006 competition.

Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Meet Lucielle Bald, 2006 Competitor

Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Don't Hate Us Because We're Beautiful

Poppy, Ellie, and their owners at the 2007 show.

Photo: David Paul Morris/Getty Images

Aw, Mom, You're Embarrassing Me

Poppy gets a kiss from her owner, 2007.

Photo: David Paul Morris/Getty Images

Rascal, the 2005 Champ

Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Feelin' the Wind in My Hair

2006's winner, Archie.

Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

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[FunOnTheNet] AMAZING PHOTOGRAPHS

" Put your Ear down close to your Soul & Listen Hard. "

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[FunOnTheNet] SiBERiA_* By William Sokolenko

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[FunOnTheNet] Gorgeous Kashmir in Winter Pictures!

Hi,

Kashmir is derived from the Sanskrit "Kashyapa" + "Mira", which means the mountain range of sage Kashyapa. Srinagar, the ancient capital, lies alongside Dal Lake and is famous for its canals and houseboats. Srinagar (alt. 1,600 m. or 5,200 ft.) served as a favoured summer capital for many foreign conquerors who found the heat of the Northern Indian plains in the summer season to be oppressive.

See it here - http://www.funonthenet.in/content/view/322/31/

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[FunOnTheNet] RICHARD S JOHNSON PAINTER.pps

My new pps for today
Adriana(Adita)

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[FunOnTheNet] Meet the Hawaiian spider that will make you smile

Meet the Hawaiian spider that will make you smile

Scientifically, this tiny arachnid goes by the name of Theridion grallator – but it takes little imagination to see how it got its more popular name: the happy-face spider.

Found only in rainforests in the Hawaiian islands, the spiders have a vast range of patterns and colours on their abdomens – yet all come from the same species.

The amazing diversity is due to genetic variations, although the patterns may also change depending on diet.

Spider View: Scientists think the happy-face spider has evolved its patterns to confuse predators

The patterns may have developed as a way of confusing predators. The moment it takes an aggressor to work out whether the spider is prey or not provides a vital chance of escape.

However, the species, which was discovered in 1973, is now under threat from the introduction of non-native animals to the islands.

The most common form – or 'morph' – is plain yellow and has no smile. But other variations are plentiful – the 'red front' morph pictured here with a cluster of her eggs is the second-most common.

Happy Arachnids: Some of the patterns found in the species

The spiders are 5mm (less than a quarter of an inch) long and live alone on the underside of leaves – except during their mating season and for the first 40 to 100 days of spiderlings' lives, when they are still too young to fend for themselves.

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[FunOnTheNet] IPL 20-20

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[FunOnTheNet] Flowers

Flowers

Best Wishes

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[ funny jokes ] FW: nursing home

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a
while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten
her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to
tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more
brought
her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived
to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

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[ funny jokes ] FW: in my next life

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get
that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better
every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your
pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on
your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby
until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in
luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm. I
rest my case.

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[JoannasJokes] Puns of the Day 05-14-09

PUNS OF THE DAY 05-14-09

PUNS

One of the Queen's sons has chosen to distance himself from his
embarrassing family by changing his name to "Mr. Windsor" or "The
Edward formerly known as Prince." Tabloid photographers heard that
some royal family members were known to sunbathe nude on a certain
beach and hired a helicopter to fly over so they could get some shots.
They hoped to maybe even see Elizabeth bare it browning but all they
developed were prints of whales. (Gary Hallock)

I dated a girl in high school who was sweet as pi, but she sure was
irrational.

Shortly after Sonny Bono's untimely demise, I was having a drink with
my friend Harry, a highly respected superior court judge. He mentioned
that his father had been Sonny and Cher's chief publicist, and had
stayed with Sonny after the couple's domestic and professional
breakup. He said that Sonny had been quite bitter after the split, and
had instructed his dad to cut up all the existing publicity photos so
that only Sonny's picture remained. I observed that he had done
remarkably well despite his humble beginnings. "I don't understand,"
he puzzled. I explained: "Considering the fact that you were raised
the son of a Cher cropper." (Dan Dutcher)

"Balls!" cried the Queen, "If I had them I'd be king." The King
laughed. Not because he wanted to but because he had two.

Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is
an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or
alcohol. However, researchers go on to say that the internet is
actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances, since it
is a terminal addiction.

We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the
Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won't
give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey." "So what
you're saying is," he concluded, "they won't let the Kurds have their
way?"

OTHER HUMOR

History Of Medicine:
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2009 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.

Jacket: What you do before taking the lug-nuts off. (Jason Dias)

My former sister-in-law, not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, is
still quite creative. She once rolled through a stop sign and THEN
spotted the two patrolmen in the cop car watching her do it. She
stopped the car, backed up, stopped at the stop sign, and slowly went
on her way again. She again looked over at the two cops, who were
laughing so hard that they could hardly sit upright, and they waved
her on!

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I
spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the
organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions,
expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think
that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will
hear of this," and sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called
on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with
composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct
Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three
things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you
have a dirty mind. And three, you are in for a big disappointment on
your wedding night."

I wonder if there's a number between seven and nine," said Tom
considerately.

The economy is so bad Exxon/Mobil had to lay off 25 congressmen.

Frustrated at my attempts to find something suitable for my diminutive
daughter to wear that didn't look like something for a child, I
approached a rather harried-looking saleswoman. "What do you have for
a petite woman about five feet tall, around 95 to 100 pounds?" I
asked. The short, pleasantly plump clerk looked at me with a rueful
smile. "Nothing but contempt," she said.

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[JoannasJokes] Jest For Kids 05-14-09

JEST FOR KIDS 05-14-09
Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

RIDDLES

Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat?
Because he didn't want anyone to harm a hare on his head

How did the lumberjack use the computer?
He logged on!

Why do mummies make good employees?
Because hey get wrapped up in their work

What do you call a fried chicken sitting on a tight rope?
A balanced meal

When is a clock nervous?
When it is all wound up.

Where does burial come before death?
In the dictionary

Why did the man put his head to the grindstone?
To sharpen his wits

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer.

Why is swiss cheese served at church?
Because it's holey!

What did the ill comic say in the hospital?
"I'm here … all weak!

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

On the golf course, I said to my dad,
"How's your golf game today, are you glad?"
He replied that so far,
He had played under par.
I don't know if that's good or that's bad.
(Kirk Miller)

Homeowner on the phone to a plumber: "Can you come over and fix my
kitchen sink again?" "You know I'm always at your disposal."

He couldn't decide whether to accept a job in mattress sales so he
decided to sleep on it.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had
sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting,
kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent
lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for
now he was both unarmed and defeated.

"I'm quite fond of astronomy," Tom said nebulously. (Harry Farkas)

At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday
night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an
older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a
certain young lady immediately. "I want to surprise her. You see, I'm
her brother." "Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.
"But think of how surprised I am! I'm her mother!"

How do spacemen add more protein to their diet? They make it meteor.

A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day. "Why do
you need so much milk?" the mailman asks. The lady replies, "I heard
that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier." The
milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?" She answers, "No,
just up to the neck".

A backward poet writes inverse.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The
bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrr!
I've got a Bounty on me head!"

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[FunOnTheNet] Old Dhaka/Bangladesh

Hai,

This is my first PPT. Hope you will enjoy.

Rashed Talukder..

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[JoannasJokes] "Meeting of the Minds" & "Hannibal Lecturn"

Pat Tanzola and Jim Hahn tied for second in The 28th Annual O. Henry
Pun-Off World Championships by the judge's votes with 38 points each.
Jim then won second by audience applause. Here are their winning
routines. By the way, Pat was the first medallist from Canada.

= = = = =

Meeting of the Minds: Jim Hahn — Silver Medallist 2005

[HOLDING UP CANNED HAM] "Hamming it up!" Heh, heh --
I can't do this routine. I . . . can't concentrate. Sorry.

It's that woman! Why me? Do I pork myself in front of the TV? Did I
go chicken up on her when she was little late? Do I ever get veally
angry? Don't I always bust my chops to bring home the bacon?

I know, I know, you're probably thinking: What's a mutton with you,
man? What's your beef?

Well, it's my . . . grill-friend, Barbie. Cue as she can be. What a
rack, o' lamb sakes alive! Ran off with her boss down at the radio
station – KBOB. (Shish!) Guy's some weenie named Frank. Furter-more,
he's a real jerk – y's such a brat – wurst I've ever seen! And,
dadgummit, that just ain't kosher.

What am I – chopped liver?

I don't know. Maybe I'm basting my time. Lord knows, I've fried and
I've fried; but I've reached the broiling point. Tired of them
skewering around with me.

Personally I'd love to kiel that bassa of hers. I never sausage
arrogance. Tried to lean on me – fat chance! Told me, "Hey buddy,
just cleaver alone -- or I'll butcher turkey butt down your throat!"
I thought to myself, "This guy is full o'baloney. No matter how you
slice it, he's 'bad to T-Bone'!"

Have I made some mis-steaks? Sure, of course – but believe me, I
have, sir, loined my lesson. Me -- chuck my woman? No, no, it's time
I roast to the occasion.

Tonight, I'm gonna burger on bended knee to come home. Though she
might not listen, I've just gotta brisket. I may take quite a
ribbing, but I want my baby back, baby back.

I guess I'm, well, done! But I sure enjoyed . . . meat-ing you all!

(Jim Hahn — Waco, Texas)

= = = = =

Hannibal Lecturn: Pat Tanzola — Bronze Medallist 2005

(Intro: points to podium, displaying sign saying 'This is my HANNIBAL
LECTERN)

Men and women of GOOD TASTE, great to finally EAT YOU! I wouldn't lie,
my mother BRAISED ME well, so that's no CAN O' BULL. After years in
the PIZZA CORPSE working as a HUMAN-EAT-ARIAN, I'm here finally to
compete at the Pun-off; I promise you I'm no FLESH IN THE PAN.

My girlfriend, a cute little FILLET, name's CAKE MOSS, spends all her
time COOKING IN THE MICROWAIF, didn't think I'd make it this far, but
now she's EATING RUSSELL CROWE. Sometimes I'm not so GLAD I ATOR – I
mean, date her. Nothing's worse than a JEALOUS LIVER.

But I won't LECTER you; I'm not one of those annoying people who never
stops CHEWING YOU OUT. You're all MEN OF CONVECTION; I'm practically
IN OVEN with you; I am ENJOYING YOU people WITH RELISH.

Please come over to my place for a DONNER PARTY. Don't worry if you
are LACK-TOES INTOLERANT, I'll strap the FEET-BAG right on you. You
like fresh BRAIN MUFFINS? EXSKULLENT! Then it's toast slathered with
MARMALADY, SCRAMBLED LEGS, all washed down with a FULL-BODIED WINO.
And dessert: ADAM'S APPLE PIE with EYES CREAM and my favourite, J-LO
PUDDING POPS. Bring your kids over to play too – I'd consider it a
VEAL good time.

Now I'm off on a tour of international MEN-Us: first it's Iceland for
BJORK CHOPS - then Manila for some PHYLLOPINOS, and also France to
have a true HOMMELETTE breakfast! Last stop's the Vatican, where I
hope to have the HAVE THE POPE'S EAR. Hope he listens - someone's got
to keep that guy A-CANNIBAL!

Thanks for letting me take you IN GEST; I'll KETCHUP with YOU later.

= = = = =

Hope to see as many of you possible at the Pun-Off at the O. Henry
Museum in Austin, this Saturday from Noon to 5 PM Central Time.
Admission is free. For those of you who can not attend in person, the
full proceedings will be webcast free at <http://www.punpunpun.com>
starting at noon Saturday.

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

[FunOnTheNet] Images of the making of vodafone zoozoo ads...

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[FunOnTheNet] I.K.AIVAZOVSKY-PAINTER.pps

My last pps for today,
Adriana (Adita)

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[FunOnTheNet] Breathtaking Bellagio Fountains in Las Vegas

Hi,

The Fountains of the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas (USA) are a vast, choreographed water fountains with performances set to light and music. The performances are visible from numerous vantage points on the Strip, both from the street and from neighboring structures.

See it here - http://www.funonthenet.in/articles/bellagio-fountains.html

Good Day!

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[FunOnTheNet] Hot Celeb - Megan Fox

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[FunOnTheNet] Dhirubhai Ambani's will

Dhirubhai's will was very clear

Mu=Cash
&
A=nil

Regards,
Shrenik Shah

Visit my space...

Get your own space...

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[JoannasJokes] Carstianity

This routine won the 1997 Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships
Punniest of Show for Steve Brooks:

CARSTIANITY

"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved,
we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door,
who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille,
and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.

He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall,
but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."

He ate the Last Supra, a
nd he climbed the mount of Cavalier,
where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.

But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude:
Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible,

In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur.
I shall not Walk.
He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart,
I shall Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goodwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas
of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean,
Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!

(By Steve Brooks)

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[JoannasJokes] Jest For Kids 05-13-09

JEST FOR KIDS 05-13-09
Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

RIDDLES

When is the moon not hungry?
When it is full!

What do you call a small, green, plastic action figure of a famous
Star Wars hero?
A Toy Yoda.

How do you make gold soup?
Add 14 carrots!

What holes are not holes?
Knotholes.

What kind of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers

Why did the man pour veggies all over the world?
He wanted peas on Earth.

How did the telephone propose to his girl friend?
He gave her a ring

How do you make an egg roll?
Push it!

Where can you find a salad in a clothing store?
In the "dressing" room!

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

"I worship the number 3.1415927," said Faith piously.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.
A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the
chip monk,' he replies. (Mike Bull)

Every time I take my toucan to the vet, I come back with a large bill.

While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud
crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and
dishes. Suddenly, I felt a stinging pain in my hand. There was a small
cut from the scattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel
doctor. "What happened?" he asked. "Attacked by a flying saucer," I
replied.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'Taint mine.

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I
spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

The hippie couple was somewhat distressed that their son didn't also
turn out to be a flower child, "Some daisy disappoints us, but he's
still orchid, and we love him." (Gary Hallock)

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

Scientists were perplexed by the sudden deviation in the migratory
patterns of arctic terns as they flew over southern California. Seems
they always strayed off course as soon as they hit the state line. The
scientists thought that maybe they were being affected by all the pot
smoke in the air. So they decided to perform a test. They gathered a
bunch of terns and had them fly through a tent of burning marijuana to
see if it made them disoriented. After seeing no change, they decided
to fly them through again. And they flew them through yet a third time
to make sure they left "no tern unstoned".

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender
brought out a guy who looked just like me.

Did you hear about the Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets
frozen?

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[JoannasJokes] Puns of the Day 05-13-09

PUNS OF THE DAY 05-13-09

PUNS

L'il Abner
There once was a gal, Daisie Mae,
Who with L'il Abner would play,
Her poker dot blouse,
Would his lust arouse,
And led to hot roll in the hay.

On those nights that she might decline,
He'd tumble for Moonbeam Mc Swine,
And many flies swat,
That circled her spot,
Which had an aroma divine.

'Twas then that the muscled young chap,
Left vulnerable by old Al Capp,
Neglected a sheath,
When dunking beneath,
And got a good case of the clap.

The moral; there's always a catch,
When you see flies drawn to some snatch,
Eschew such a whore,
In all the world o'er,
Especially when you're in Dogpatch.
(Chris Papa)

What did the laundry man do at the convent?
He picked up some dirty habits.

Why did Frankie Avalon refuse to walk a tightrope in his last beach
movie?
He was afraid to work without Annette.

A few years ago, Saddam Hussein had a lengthy conference call with
Little Miss Muffett for advice on solving a problem he knew she would
understand. Apparently he had Kurds in his way.

Guitar: Hey, let's GUITAR act together and form a band! (Ken Shurget)

"Henry VIII is remembered for his obesity," said Tom unthinkingly.
(Stan Kegel)

When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.

A man bought a chess set and took it home. Upon opening the game he
discovered that all the major pieces were missing. He called the store
to complain and was told he got what he paid for because he had bought
it in a pawn shop.

If Cher were to get cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike?

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." Ruben piped up, "They
must be bored again Christians."

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've
discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

OTHER HUMOR

A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a
picture of a naked man. As the professor walked around the class
checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies, a
striking young thing, had sketched the man with an erection. Slightly
flustered, the professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way???"

Three older women were sitting around and bragging about their
children. The first one says, "You know my son, he graduated with
honors from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in
Chicago." The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first
in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million
dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." The last woman says,
"You know my son Morris, he never did too well is school, he never
went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a year in
New York working as a sports repairman." The other two women ask,
"Vot is a sports repairman?" The third momma proudly replies, "Morris
fixes boxing matches, football games, tennis matches...."

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and
said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie.
"These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish," I
complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" I
replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you play the
game!"

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[ funny jokes ] Out the Window

Out the Window

A French man, an English man, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The French man offered everyone some French bread, then he threw it out the window. The French man said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

The English man offered everyone a crumpet and then he threw it out the window. The English man said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

The American man quickly threw the lawyer out the window. The American said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

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[ funny jokes ] FW: purina diet (ancient)

Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Toot, the wonder
dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog. On impulse on this stupid question, I told her that No, I didn't
have a dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.

I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff noses with an Irish Setter and
a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!

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[JoannasJokes] pearls before swine toons [5 Attachments]

[Attachment(s) from Tom F included below]

"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the 
sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor. The man shook his head 
groggily and rubbed his bruised chin.
 
"Last thing I remember was my wife came out of the beauty salon. I 
took a look at her and s

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