WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-09-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Gary Cicio, NYC podiatrist, did the research, and asks us to choose
one of the two options to see a Mariners-Yankees game this season, and
from the very best seats:
Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at Yanks at
Yankee Stadium, cost for just the tickets, $5,000.
Option 2: Two round-trip airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14,
return Sunday the 16th, rental car for three days, two-night double
occupancy stay in four-star hotel, two top tickets to both the
Saturday and Sunday Yanks-Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town
dinners for two. Total cost, $2,800. Plus-frequent flyer miles. (Phil
Mushnick)
Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger
holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have
more Mexicans here than they do there. (Jimmy Kimmel)
The Centers for Disease Control admitted Sunday that the swine flu was
no more deadly than regular flu. It turns out the threat to America
didn't really exist. We're just lucky that we found out before we
invaded Mexico and toppled the government. (Argus Hamilton)
It was a gloomy weekend for Republicans. In the Senate they faced the
specter of Specter while Obama sought a suitor to replace Souter. (Pat
Costa)
The Catholic Church is encouraging the use of Twitter to send prayers.
This new technology is changing liturgy. "Our Father who art in
heaven" is now replaced with "OMG." (Alan Ray)
Drug manufacturers have dumped 271 million pounds of pharmaceuticals
into waterways that serve as drinking water. Turns out Michael Phelps
was getting higher swimming in the pool water than he was when he was
using the bong. (Jerry Perisho)
The president may have a nominee for the Supreme Court by the end of
the week. Does it bother anybody that he took him 10 times longer to
pick a dog? (Craig Ferguson)
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced it might be
time to study the legalization of marijuana. Actually, recent polls of
Californians show most people support such legalization. I guess they
feel that it's high time. (Janice Hough)
Just a day after saying he wouldn't go anywhere in confined places
like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President
Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that
means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)
Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have
had her "boob job" paid for by pageant officials, is going on the
road. Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be
between a man and a surgically enchanced woman. (Janice Hough)
A source close to Manny Ramirez said Thursday that the illegal
substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive
was prescribed to address Ramirez's erectile dysfunction. Apparently,
he was striking out pretty often… in bed. (Pedro Bartes)
Russia insists it has no plans to step up its military presence in the
Arctic. Sending troops up to the North Pole can only mean it could be
the start of another Cold War. (Jim Barach)
Porsche has unveiled its first four door sedan. It's for the man who
is having his mid-life crisis but just can't quite yet afford to
abandon his wife and kids. (Jim Barach)
Alex Rodriguez was accused Thursday of tipping off pals on opposing
teams to the pitch that was coming. He's now had three cheating
accusations in three months. Everybody figured he would break Henry
Aaron's record but nobody ever thought he'd break Bill Clinton's.
(Argus Hamilton)
I hear that President Obama called the IRS to see which tax evader he
could nominate for the U. S. Supreme Court. (Bob Holzer)
Fox is already cowering down to the President-- In response to
President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black
and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will
now air " America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week. (M. Hennigan)
SWINE FLU
The swine flu appears to be relatively mild, and it's shutting down
schools. The only way this could be any better in most kids' minds is
if were "broccoli flu." (Janice Hough)
They say that swine flu is not as potent as they originally thought.
You know, like the Yankee pitching staff. (David Letterman)
Meanwhile, CNN reported today that its reporting of the swine flu
story could spread significantly in the days and weeks ahead and might
continue throughout the all-important May sweeps rating period. (Andy
Borowitz)
Mexican officials said Monday that swine flu is under control and that
life in Mexico will soon return to normal. They never proved that the
people who died in Mexico actually died from swine flu. It could have
been the order to drink plenty of water. (Argus Hamilton)
SWINE FLU VARIANTS – COURTESY OF JANICE HOUGH
Sharks flu – Fever builds over the winter, but it fizzles out by May
Yankees flu – hits at ballparks, seems to empty out the seats around
home plate
Kobe Bryant flu – very strong, but no one ever seems to pass it on.
San Francisco Giants flu – Could potentially be dangerous but hasn't
really hit anyone yet
Mine the Bird flu – You've never heard of it before, but you can't
catch it.
Brett Favre flu – Particularly persistent strain, started in
Wisconsin, spread to New York, and just when you think it's finally
gone, it pops up again in Minnesota.
Alex Rodriguez flu - Not as drug resistant as first thought, and it
tips you off when it's coming
Joe Biden flu. Seems innocuous, but… it… never… ends.
John Edwards flu: Supposedly safely quarantined, but more free-ranging
than we thought
Norm Coleman flu: You may think you have it beat, but it can hang
around for months
(Janice Hough)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Today, President Barack Obama promised to "detect and pursue" American
tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected
and nominated American tax evaders. (Jay Leno)
President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121
programs. The programs he wants to eliminate — Sean Hannity, Rush
Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly… (Jay Leno)
President and Mrs. Obama had a "date night" Saturday. They took a
walk, had dinner, but then had to run to the ATM when they found out
the government credit card was over its limit. (Jake Novak)
President Obama will detail a new budget proposal today to save $17
billion next year, mostly by putting the guys who work at AIG on
commission. (Jake Novak)
President Obama Monday went after companies which locate in the Cayman
Islands where they pay no taxes. He can't stop himself. He's been very
bored by the mundane tasks of the presidency and the only thing that
has given him any thrill is killing pirates. (Argus Hamilton)
THE ADMINISTRATION
Hillary Clinton received a seventy-one percent job approval rating
Friday. It's obvious why. President Obama had another date night with
his wife Friday night and historically Hillary is at her most popular
when the president's seeing another woman. (Argus Hamilton)
The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has
laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts
until 2012. (Jay Leno)
Joe Biden took the train home to Delaware Friday a day after he warned
America not to take trains to avoid swine flu. It's cut crime. New
York transit police didn't arrest anyone all day because even subway
flashers were wearing surgical masks. (Argus Hamilton)
Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White
House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and
Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy. After they finished the
meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden's mouth. (Jimmy Fallon)
THE ECONOMY
The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John
Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs. (Jay Leno)
Miss California went to a gay wedding just for the free food. That's
how bad the economy is. (Jay Leno)
The economy is so bad China is now making toys out of synthetic lead.
(Jay Leno)
The President plans to change tax policies. No longer will
businesses and individuals be able to use tax havens such as the
Cayman Islands, the Bahamas and the Obama administration. (Doug Austen)
The economy is improving. Here's a sign of that: Earlier today the
Yankees sold three tickets. (David Letterman)
THE CONGRESS
Congress weighed a plan Tuesday to pay Americans four thousand dollars
to replace their old cars with new fuel-efficient cars. The lawmakers
don't understand the economics of the situation. New cars may be more
fuel efficient, but an old Pontiac sleeps four. (Argus Hamilton)
Congress is working on legislation that would provide an incentive for
people to junk their old gas-guzzling cars and buy new, more efficient
ones. Meanwhile, Michigan already has an effective program to send
more old cars to the junkyard—it's called "potholes." (Bill Mihalic)
A Congressional House Panel is investigating the college football BCS
system. Apparently they will get to the unemployment problem, bank
insolvency and the housing crisis right after they take care of the
important stuff. (Jim Barach)
THE COURTS
A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in
awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice
than the justices were at picking a president. (Jay Leno)
President Obama announced the Supreme Court's vacancy Friday. He made
clear what he's looking for in the new justice. The search is on for a
disabled bilingual woman of color with paid-up taxes who baby-sits her
own children and mows her own lawn. (Argus Hamilton)
The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely
unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out
who it is. (Bill Maher)
Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he will retire.
Apparently since the Bush Administration shredded the Constitution,
there just isn't much for the Court to do these days. (Jim Barach)
Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he will retire.
Souter says it's just not as much fun since Presidential elections
have gone back to being decided by the voters. (Jim Barach)
The White House began vetting possible Supreme Court nominees Friday.
They say they are confident they can find a justice by October, but
that may be optimistic. It took them three months to find a
hypoallergenic dog that was paid up on its taxes. (Argus Hamilton)
69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to
retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen.
What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in
his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the
job. (Jay Leno)
President Obama declared Friday he will consider a Supreme Court
nominee's life experience as much as the nominee's judicial
experience. He won't have a litmus test except for one thing. Nobody
gets nominated unless they favor college football playoffs. (Argus
Hamilton)
Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter's replacement. So
the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from
pantsuits to robes. (David Letterman)
President Obama told reporters Saturday he will consider Supreme Court
nominees as much for their empathy as for their legal experience. He
wants to choose a woman of color who has empathy for real people and
experience as a judge. The question now is, how's he going to get
Paula Adbul through the U. S. Senate confirmation process? (Argus
Hamilton)
THE STATES
The governor of Maine signed a bill legalizing same-sex marriages. You
know what that means — gay lobsters. (Jimmy Kimmel)
Gay marriage is now legal in Maine. The new law will change the
culture in the state dramatically. The conga line at wedding
receptions will be something to see. (Alan Ray)
Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it's time to start the
debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he "wants some pot in
every pot." Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half
want it legalized, the other half think it's already legal. (Jay Leno)
Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for a new debate on legalizing pot.
The battle will be intense from both camps. But the post campaign
parties on the pro side will be a lot more fun. (Alan Ray)
The Connecticut State Senate has approved a measure that will ban
children under 16 from handling or shooting machine guns. That should
make residents feel safer knowing that automatic weapons are only
permissible if the shooter is at least old enough to drive. (Jim Barach)
LOCAL NEWS
The crown of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on July 4. New Yorkers
are looking forward to climbing up to the top of the statue and resume
spitting on New Jersey. (Jake Novak)
Country music mecca Branson, Missouri is getting its first airport.
This is a significant development. Previously, the only people flying
there were in Willie Nelson's bus. (Alan Ray)
A Florida attorney lost his license Tuesday for arranging for an
eighteen-year-old girl to work off her legal bill in bed. Every time
she had sex with him he took two hundred dollars off her legal bill.
He has been disbarred for double billing. (Argus Hamilton)
JOHN EDWARDS
There were signs that John Edwards was not the most faithful guy in
the world, you know. Like, Elizabeth told Oprah that she asked John
for one gift before their wedding, to be faithful. But after Elizabeth
made this request, John stopped looking in the mirror and said, "Huh?
I'm sorry. Did you say something?" (Jay Leno)
John Edwards is now admitting that Federal investigators are looking
into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over
$100,000 to his mistress. Of course, Edwards is denying any
impropriety. He said his mistress earned every penny. (Jay Leno)
Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his
campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!
(Jay Leno)
A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally
gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress.
Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he
said, hey, he was getting plenty of action. (Jay Leno)
The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards' mistress is
mad about all this publicity, and she is now demanding a paternity
test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of
hair. Never happen. (Jay Leno)
John Edward's trying to get back into elected politics would be like,
I don't know, Newt Gingrich trying to get back into elected politics.
(Frank King)
THE REPUBLICANS
George Bush and English didn't mix,
But Cheney's vocab was prolix,
He offered his betters
The choicest 4 letters,
With a "U" added in just for kicks.
(Larry Eisenberg)
President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is
cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the
rebuttal. (Jay Leno)
Sarah Palin joined the GOP national listening tour Tuesday. Her
daughter is an unwed teen mom and her sister-in-law just got busted
for selling meth. She won't be the first politician to run for
national office in order to spend less time with her family. (Argus
Hamilton)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
A California woman claims her father was the so-called "Zodiac killer"
and that she accompanied him on some of his shootings when she was 7.
But in her defense, it was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." (Todd Long)
THE MILITARY
The Pentagon plans to create 20,000 new jobs to manage a revamp of the
way the military buys billions of dollars of weapons each year. Here's
a cheaper idea, hire one guy who can say "No." (Paul Seaburn)
NASA & SPACE
Scientists at NASA believe that "warp drive", a term used only on
"Star Trek", is not impossible and may one day be used in space. The
closest thing we have to that speed today is AIG going through federal
bailout money. (Jerry Perisho)
NASA is sending up a mission on Monday to fix the aging Hubble
telescope. How old is the Hubble? For the last few years the telescope
has been orbiting the earth with its left blinker on. (Janice Hough)
ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN
Britain's Labor government banned radio talk show host Michael Savage
from England Wednesday. They also banned Klansmen, neo-Nazis, Jewish
extremists, and al-Qaeda. Everybody has congratulated them on
assembling a banned tourist list that looks like America. (Argus
Hamilton)
WESTERN EUROPE
Angered over encounters with walkers wearing nothing but boots and
socks, citizens in the tiny Swiss Alps canton of Appenzell Inner
Rhodes have voted to ban nude hiking. Hey, it was either that or bust
the budget on "Beware of Bares" signs. (Dwight Perry)
THE MIDDLE EAST
Saudi Arabia's first beauty pageant begins Saturday. Some Saudis like
it, but most think the contestants reveal way too much eye. (Jimmy
Fallon)
An 8 year old Saudi girl is divorcing her 50 year old husband.
Apparently he wanted children right away and she wanted to wait until
puberty. (Jim Barach)
AFRICA
Women in Kenya have said they will abstain from sex until their
government is in order. Is that a good idea? Look how well it worked
out with Hillary Clinton. (Janice Hough)
Kenya was faced with a sex strike called by Kenya's women to protest
public policy. It certainly got the men's attention. You're allowed
four wives in Kenya but if they all belong to the same union you're in
the same position as Chrysler. (Argus Hamilton)
Cairo police Monday confiscated and slaughtered pigs from Egyptian pig
farmers without compensation. The police in Egypt are corrupt but
they're not very bright. They were so disappointed when they cut the
pigs open and there were no coins inside. (Argus Hamilton)
SCIENCE & HEALTH
South Korean scientists have cloned a dog that glows in the dark. This
begs the question: Does it shed light? (Doug Austen)
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation awarded $100,000 grants to each
of 81 unusual projects, Monday. One of the researchers will see if he
can give mosquitoes a head cold to keep them from sniffing out human
blood. If it works on the mosquitoes, he's then going to try it on a
swarm of attorneys. (Jerry Perisho)
THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT
It's hot! Fires are raging in California. Miss California immediately
put out a statement saying she's OK with flaming things as long as
they don't get married. (Craig Ferguson)
SPORTS
Manny Ramirez of the L.A. Dodgers tested positive for a steroid that's
sometimes used as a sexual enhancer. Apparently Manny couldn't get to
third base on his own. (Craig Ferguson)
Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for using a female
fertility drug. An investigator who had talked to the star earlier and
heard his voice said it was a case of "Manny being Minnie". (Bill
Littlejohn)
As a result of Manny Ramirez's suspension, the slugger will lose $8
million over the next 50 days... compared to GM, Ramirez is an
amateur. (Jake Novak)
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez returns to play this week as a
new book comes out saying he took steroids, chased hookers and
strippers and tipped pitches to opposing batters. He's in a lot of
trouble. Every time an umpire calls him safe, he just laughs. (Argus
Hamilton)
Brett Favre sent an X-ray of his shoulder to the Minnesota Vikings.
The Vikings will decide whether or not to make Favre an offer based on
the report from the paleontologist. (Janice Hough)
The winner of the Kentucky Derby, a 50-1 long shot name Mine the Bird,
was purchased for $9,500. That's less than Aretha Franklin paid for
her hat. (Alex Kaseberg)
The Red Sox broke an American League record by scoring 12 runs in the
sixth inning againsts the Indians, BEFORE making an out. The game,
which they won 13-3, may go down in history as the Boston Put-it-on-a-
Tee Party. (Janice Hough)
LeBron James has won the NBA's MVP title. He's like Joe Biden's mouth.
When he's open, he can't be stopped. (Alan Ray)
The Dodgers' Orlando Hudson, the Rangers' Ian Kinsler and the Twins'
Jason Kubel each pulled off the same one-game rarity — a single,
double, triple and home run — on April 13. Or as sabermetricians
prefer to call the phenomenon, Hitting For The Tricycle. (Dwight Perry)
The Anaheim Mighty Ducks beat the Dallas Stars 4-3 in five overtimes,
ending the fourth-longest game in NHL history. The three longest games
are still being played. (Sports Pickle)
Three coaches have already been socked with $25,000 fines for
criticizing referees during the NBA playoffs. Commissioner David Stern
scoffed at the notion of crooked officiating, denied the existence of
Tim Donaghy, and said referees never favor superstars or miss
traveling calls. (Matt Youmans)
Spotted doing some serious mixed martial-arts training at Gracie Gym
in Orlando, Fla., Suns center, Shaquille O'Neal. Or as he now prefers
to be known: Hackin' Shaq. (Dwight Perry)
The Lakers lost a playoff game at home. I think the last time that
happened, Jack Nicholson's date hadn't even been born yet. (Jay Leno)
Tampa Bay Ray Carl Crawford tied the Major League record with six
stolen bases in a game Sunday. It was a wasted effort. A lot of
baserunners are showcasing their stealing ability for the investment
banks, forgetting they now have a salary cap. (Argus Hamilton)
ENTERTAINMENT
NBC is going to air Saturday Night Live on Thursdays. No wonder NBC is
tanking in the ratings, what's next: Monday Night Football on
Wednesdays? (Pedro Bartes)
A new Star Trek movie opens soon. It takes place so far into the
future the 2009 NBA playoffs are almost over. (Brad Dickson)
A new "Star Trek" film premieres Friday. This edition will feature
some tense moments for hard core Trekkies. Like, when they have to go
to the ticket window and talk to a girl. (Alan Ray)
A new show debuted earlier tonight. It's about fashion designers who
compete. Sounds exactly like "Project Runway." I don't have a problem
with similarities between two shows. Look at "The View" and "When
Animals Attack." (Craig Ferguson)
The number two movie in the country is the romantic comedy, "The
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past", or as John Edwards calls it, "a horror
film." (Jay Leno)
THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET
ESPN hired Matt Millen, fired as the Detroit Lions general manager
after an 0-16 season, as an expert football analyst. Isn't hiring Matt
Millen now as an football analyst like hiring George W. Bush to teach
English. (Janice Hough)
The Onion says it will discontinue print editions in San Francisco and
Los Angeles. For the first time, no Onions will bring tears to the
eyes of readers. (Pat Costa)
The New York Times has reached a deal with the unions that will keep
the Boston Globe alive. The unions have agreed to take pay cuts, and
the Times has agreed to continue not publishing the truth about
unions. (Jake Novak)
CELEBRITIES
Paula Abdul ihad the courage to reveal that she's been addicted to
prescription painkillers for the past 12 years. And to Paula, I'd just
like to say, "We knew." (Jimmy Fallon)
It came out today that Paula Abdul only makes 5 percent of what
Simon Cowell makes on "American Idol." To be fair, she's only awake 5
percent of the time. (Jimmy Fallon)
Nevada's Moonlite BunnyRanch brothel offered Rod Blagojevich an HBO
reality show in which he'd supervise the hookers while they tried to
tempt him. Imagine his dismay. The whole idea of beginning a new life
was to get away from Illinois politics. (Argus Hamilton)
In an interview this week Joe the Plumber referred to gays as "queers"
and said he doesn't want his children around them. Well, I guess he's
not sending the kids to Catholic school. (Janice Hough)
Ex-slugger Darryl Strawberry claims he has slept with 1,000 women. If
my math is correct, Wilt Chamberlain surpassed that total his rookie
season. (Greg Cote)
Porn star Stormy Daniels is thinking of running for a Senate position
in Louisiana. She says that's the only position she hasn't tried.
(Jerry Perisho)
This economy is rough, Lindsay Lohan dumped her girlfriend, Samantha
Ronson, and switched back to dating guys just to save money on
batteries. (Alex Kaseberg)
Jackie Chan has announced he will be in his 100th movie. The action
star is getting a little older. The only martial arts scene in this
one will be his daily Tai Chi work out in the park with his senior
group. (Jim Barach)
Paris Hilton was at the Kentucky Derby. It got awkward, Paris insisted
on betting $100 on Chlamydia to show. Paris got the tip from her
gynecologist. (Alex Kaseberg)
Elisabeth Hasselback said in an interview that Bristol Palin was the
"perfect" choice" to talk about teen abstinence. I assume she also
thinks that Bill Clinton was the perfect choice to sign the "Defense
of Marriage Act? (Janice Hough)
Michael Douglas and Oliver Stone are planning a sequel to the movie
"Wall Street". It's a continuation of the greed and corruption that
drives the nation's financial industry. In other words, they are
making a documentary. (Jim Barach)
Kelly McGillis -- Tom Cruise's girlfriend in "Top Gun" -- has
announced that SHE is now gay. She also admitted having a crush on
Sarah Palin and asked her to "Take me to bed or lose me forever"
because she's such a Maverick. (Pedro Bartes)
Having Bristol Palin preach abstinence is like naming Keifer
Sutherland the national spokesman for anger management. (Jerry Perisho)
Bernie Madoff's longtime secretary says he was a flirtatious boss who
made sexually suggestive remarks to her and liked to go to massage
parlors. If this Ponzi scheme hadn't collapsed, he may have been
headed for Governor. (Jerry Perisho)
EDUCATION
Here's good news: For the first time in 30 years, American children
have improved their reading scores. Now they can read English almost
as well as Chinese children. (Jimmy Fallon)
The University of California says they may start a marijuana research
center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana
research center. (Jay Leno)
RELIGION
The Vatican is issuing no ban on the upcoming release of "Da Vinci
Code" sequeal "Angels and Demons." The Church believes people going to
see the movie will be punished enough. (Jake Novak)
BUSINESS & LABOR
A Japanese software company has come up with a cell phone program to
help people out on the town find the nearest restroom. It is a really
crappy app. (Pedro Bartes)
Apple is reportedly in talks to buy Twitter for $700,000,000. The
holdup seems to be that Twitter will only accept $140 at a time. (Todd
Long)
Gun shops across the country are reporting a run on ammunition,
because gun owners believe Obama will increase taxes on bullets thus
raising the price of the ammo. Then shouldn't Obama spread the rumors
he is going to raise the prices of all the American cars? (Pedro Bartes)
President Obama is giving Chrysler $8 Billion to file bankruptcy. How
bad has it gotten when a company needs $8 Billion to say they are
broke? Apparently the money will go for bonuses to executives for
doing such a great job. (Jim Barach)
In addition to buying Chrysler, Fiat is also thinking about buying
Opel, the European branch of G. M. If all of the deals are completed,
Fiat will have cornered the world market on rust. (Paul Seaburn)
The White House was accused by the lawyer representing Chrysler
bondholders of threatening bondholders with public ruin if they didn't
agree to the president's deal to keep Chrysler out of bankruptcy. How
scary. This Passover if you didn't have lamb's blood on your door, the
Angel Obama came by and seized your senior secured debt. (Argus
Hamilton)
General Motors has reported a $6 billion loss. Six billion dollar
loss. You know what that means? Somebody is in line for a pretty good
looking bonus. (David Letterman)
A Manhattan auction house is selling a collection of medieval torture
devices. Apparently, they bought most of them at Dick Cheney's garage
sale. (Pedro Bartes)
Our friends at AIG are back in the news. In March, the CEO told
Congress that AIG paid $9 million in bonuses in 2008. Now, they say
that number was a little off; it's was really $454 million. The
numbers keep multiplying; who is their accountant, Octomom? (Jerry
Perisho)
HOLIDAYS
President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White
House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase,
Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it's the
White House itself that makes people dumb. (Jimmy Kimmel)
May Day brought out Hispanic marchers in Los Angeles Friday for
illegal alien rights. They demanded the full rights of American
citizenship. They want Social Security and voting rights, thirty
percent of Chrysler and sixty percent of Citigroup. (Argus Hamilton)
Sunday is Mother's Day, and there's speculation that sales of flowers
will be down. One enterprising delivery service is doing something
about it: "Teleflora introduces the Imaginary Bouquet. Tell mom it's
all you can afford." (Jimmy Kimmel)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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People who stick to the traditions say that they may have more than one wife, but Christians maintain strings of mistresses, hidden away 
