WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-25-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Q. Which state has the same number of governors and U.S. senators?
A. Minnesota. It has one of each. (Richard Lederer)
President Obama has been reaching out to Iran, Cuba, Latin America.
The only place he doesn't seem able to reach out to is Texas. (Jay Leno)
Barach Obama: "Wait a minute now, I didn't authorize ATTACKS on the
Pirates, I authorized A TAX on the Pirates." (Bob Levi)
38-year old Kelley Coffman-Lee saw her dream of proclaiming her love
for tofu mercilessly crushed by the Colorado Division of Motor
Vehicles which prohibited Ms Coffman-Lee from purchasing and
displaying a vanity plate designed to demonstrate her affection for
that bean curd stuff. The DMV claimed that the plate would have been
obscene. Kelley's plate was to have read: ILVTOFU. Now who could
mistake this wholesome sentiment for something else? (Jim Mica)
Republicans are criticizing Obama for shaking hands with a president
that rigged an election, destroyed the economy of a country and abused
his power. Obama apologized and said he was sorry, but that Bush had
extended his hand and he had to shake it. (Pedro Bartes)
According to a new poll, two out of three New Yorkers would like to
have Spitzer back as their governor. I mean sure, two out of three New
Yorkers are hookers. (David Letterman)
Pres. Obama has opened up relations to Cuba, but cautions, "A
relationship that has been frozen for 50 years is not going to thaw
overnight." Bill Clinton called him and said, "Dude, you're telling
me!" (Jerry Perisho)
The Obama administration has released two photographs of Tiger Woods'
Monday visit to the White House. Still, between the two of them, they
don't make an entire black guy. (Pedro Bartes)
George W. Bush is now in his ninth year of not being president. (David
Letterman)
Governor Rick Perry said Wednesday that Texas has the right to secede
from the Union. You know the rest. Then Oklahoma secedes, then
Arkansas, then Alabama, then South Carolina and then Barack Obama
realizes his dream of being the next Abe Lincoln. (Argus Hamilton)
Two wrongs never make a right. What they make is a weather forecast
and an economist. (Gil Stern)
TEXAS SUCCESSION
Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from
the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign
country on our southern border speaking a language we don't
understand? Come on! Former President Bush wasted no time responding
to this. He said, "Wow, does that mean I get to be president
again?" (Jay Leno)
Texas Gov. Rick Perry is saying that Texas could secede from the Union
if it wanted to. But 75 percent of the people who live there say they
want to stay part of the United States. Of course they do. After
spending all that time sneaking across the border to get here, why
would they leave? (Jay Leno)
For those of you visiting from Texas, I need to see your passports.
(Jay Leno)
Texas Gov. Rick Perry says that people in his state may get so fed up
with what is happening in the rest of the country that Texas may
secede from the other 49 states. That huge roar you just heard was
cheering from Oklahoma. (Jerry Perisho)
The governor of Texas says that the state could secede from the U. S.
if it wanted to. Imagine the cost just in redoing all the U. S. flags
alone! Then again, with President Bush retired down there, wouldn't it
be ironic if the U. S. invaded Texas, just for the oil? (Tim Hunter)
Texas Governor Rick Perry is backing a resolution affirming states'
sovereignty and the right to secede from the union. Upon hearing this,
people in the Texas Air National Guard said "Wait a minute. We joined
this so we wouldn't have to fight in a war." (Jim Barach)
Governor Rick Perry told a tea party in Texas Wednesday that Texas can
legally secede from the United States. Picture the possibilities. The
people in the Cayman Islands would finally have a place to send their
money so they can avoid paying taxes. (Argus Hamilton)
Jessica Simpson spoke out about Texas breaking away. She said, "Hey,
no way I'm dating a foreigner." (Jay Leno)
THE CLINTON-BUSH DEBATE
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush announced plans Monday to perform on
the dinner circuit together. The phone's ringing off the hook. After
just one hundred days of hope and change, Americans are already
nostalgic for the days of adultery and torture. (Argus Hamilton)
Next month in Toronto, Canada, former President George W. Bush will
debate former President Bill Clinton. The question of the debate — is
it worse to lie to your wife or lie to the entire country? (Jay Leno)
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in
Toronto for a two-hour, friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a
topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking
crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to Nascar trivia. (Jimmy
Fallon)
Former U.S. Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear
together in Toronto next month. And knowing how good the adult
entertainment is in Toronto, you can be sure that that is not gonna be
the only time Bill Clinton sees Bush in Canada. (Pedro Bartes)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
President Obama returned from his tour of Latin America Saturday. He's
nothing if not original. For many years U. S. presidents have tried to
think of the best way of dealing with North Korea, Iran and Cuba, but
no one ever thought of aligning with them. (Argus Hamilton)
President Obama experienced some great success overseas. He not only
thawed relations with Venezuela, he was also successfully adopted by
Madonna. (Tim Hunter)
President Obama is meeting today with the top credit card issuers to
demand that they not raise interest rates and fees on consumers. He
also wants to find out how long it will take to pay back a $2 trillion
deficit if he only pays the minimum payment every month. (Jake Novak)
Did you see the clip of the first dog, Bo? He was wagging his tail and
running around. This is the most excited anyone has been to be on all
fours in the Oval Office since, well, Monica Lewinski. (Alex Kaseberg)
Bo, the First Dog, is having a blast. Bo enjoys the run of the entire
White House lawn. Well, except when delegates from North or South
Korea visit, then they lock Bo up for his own good. (Alex Kaseberg)
THE ADMINISTRATION
President Obama met with his entire Cabinet today. Well, sure, now
that April 15th has passed, they've all come out of hiding. (Jay Leno)
President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every
taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment
when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was. (Jay Leno)
The White House named Aneesh Chopra the U. S. government's chief
technology officer Friday. Now whenever government officials want
technical support they're going to get someone from India on the
phone. That's not change, that's what we've had all along. (Argus
Hamilton)
Hillary Clinton says the U. S. is ready to talk to Cuba. Boy, I hope
this doesn't have to do with that old Lewinski/Cigar thing again. (Tim
Hunter)
President Obama has given his cabinet 90 days to eliminate dozens of
government programs shown to be "wasteful or ineffective." This means
Bo the dog has three months to get housebroken. (Jake Novak)
Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano drew an international protest
from Ottawa Monday by saying the World Trade Center bombers came from
Canada. Of course that's not true. Covering up for Saudi Arabia is an
American tradition as old as the Model-T. (Argus Hamilton)
THE ECONOMY & TAXES
The tea-baggers are new at protests. After the police used water
cannons, they expected others with sugar and lemon. (Warren Alexander)
Philadelphia says there were no takers for a $10,000 tax break for any
businesses who hire ex-convicts. Apparently they are still waiting to
find a business who is hiring anyone period. (Jim Barach)
According to a survey, more than 90 percent of Americans consider the
economy an important issue. The other 10 percent that don't care about
the economy are politicians and that's why they don't do anything
about it. (Pedro Bartes)
The IRS reports a surge in delinquent taxpayers. Mostly from wealthy
people who weren't informed that since President Obama took office,
they will have to start actually paying taxes. (Jim Barach)
The Labor Department said unemployment hit twelve percent in Los
Angeles. It's having an impact. The Post Office will lose a fortune on
Mother's Day when fifty percent of the cards are delivered by people
just walking upstairs from the basement. (Argus Hamilton)
THE CONGRESS
Congressman Jack Burlington, who boasts of being a highly accomplished
speed-reader, decided to become the first lawmaker to read all of the
government's huge spending package, and did so in less than an hour.
When asked what he found out, he said, "It's about money." (Scott Witt)
THE STATES
A Minnesota appeals court panel ruled last week that Al Franken beat
Norm Coleman in the Senate recount. It'll be appealed. Norm Coleman is
represented by the famed lawyer Ben Ginsberg, and the only way you can
beat a lawyer that good is to die with no money. (Argus Hamilton)
San Francisco's mayor Gavin Newsom says he wants to run for the
Governor of California. Let's see, he broke the law by allowing gay
marriages in San Francisco, he's admitted to having an affair with a
friend's wife, and he has a drinking problem. Personally, I think he's
more presidential material. (Jerry Perisho)
Jerry Brown is considering a run for California Governor, a position
he first held in 1974. At that time a corrupt administration had just
left Washington, the economy was bad and unemployment in the state was
high. In other words, it will be just like old times. (Jim Barach)
LOCAL NEWS
A new study shows Austin, Texas is the best city to find employment.
The worst city to find employment? Circuit City. (Jimmy Fallon)
The World Trade Center's twin towers were reported Saturday to be
twenty-eight years away from being rebuilt and fully occupied. It's a
good plan. By then Osama bin Laden and his crew will be so old they
won't be able to knock over a vending machine. (Argus Hamilton)
THE DEMOCRATS
The people of New York liked Governor Spitzer. I mean, the guy had a
reputation for being on top of everything. (David Letterman)
Hillary Clinton is offering a Weekend with Bill in a drawing to raise
money to retire her campaign debt. It exemplifies the wisdom of
experience. After thirty-five years of futile attempts to reform him
she's decided to go with the flow and pimp him. (Argus Hamilton)
THE REPUBLICANS
Obama is being accused of having it in for George Bush. Yeah. Him and
64 million other Americans. (Will Durst)
Earlier this week, there was a reunion of Bush Administration
officials in Dallas, Texas. Because there is one team you want to put
back together, am I right? You bet, buddy! (David Letterman)
Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage
should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman
he met after that. (Jay Leno)
Dick Cheney is now criticizing President Obama, and he's saying that
his recent actions around the world are "disturbing" and "not
helpful." Yeah, yeah, things were so much better when Cheney was
president, weren't they? (David Letterman)
Even Dick Cheney was into Earth Day. Did you see what he said today?
He called for the use of only recycled water when waterboarding
prisoners. (Jay Leno)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who was denied permission to go
to Costa Rica to be part of the reality show "I am a Celebrity. Get me
Out of Here", now says the judge saved him from eating bugs. Wait
until this guy does some time in prison; bugs will be the most
pleasant things he sticks in his mouth. (Jerry Perisho)
A federal court judge has denied disgraced former Illinois governor
Rod Blagojevich's request that he be allowed to travel to Costa Rica
to participate in TV show. Producers of the show didn't mind; it is
not like there's a scarce of corrupt politicians in the country.
(Pedro Bartes)
A 13 year old boy in Illinois has been charged with robbing a bank
with a gun. The boy needs to learn that the way to steal from a bank
is by becoming a bank executive, make bad loans and get the government
to hand over billions in free money. (Jim Barach)
The Maryland man who killed his family before killing himself left
behind five notes that hinted he had psychological problems. Just in
case killing his entire family didn't make that point clear enough.
(Todd Long)
Astronaut Lisa Nowak wants charges dropped in her kidnapping case.
Apparently the prosecution is in agreement, as that evidence room full
of used astronaut diapers is getting pretty rank. (Jim Barach)
Manhattan's federal court heard details of the Somali pirate lifestyle
Tuesday. They ransom ships, get the ransom cash parachuted to them,
then take the millions back to Pirate Town where they snort coke,
party with strippers and drink Cognac until dawn. This is
anthropological proof that it's human nature to want to live in the
late Seventies. (Argus Hamilton)
SECURITY & TERRORISM
According to a C. I.A. memo, the agency waterboarded Khalid Shaikh
Mohammed 183 times. Supposedly waterboarding makes victims think
they're going to drown. Although, after the first 100 times or so,
don't you think they'd catch on? (Bill Mihalic)
Recently released CIA memos indicate that 9-11 attack mastermind
Khalid Sheik Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times in March of 2003. He
had a choice, you know. He could have watched the Clippers; it's just
a more heartless form of torture. (Jerry Perisho)
Amid much criticism, Obama has released top secret terror memos from
the Bush administration. According to the memos, various forms of
torture were used including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and of
course, the fourth hour of the "Today" show. (Jay Leno)
President Obama released President Bush's torture instruction memos to
the CIA. They include putting prisoners in a box with bugs, slapping
and handcuffing them. Some people are happy Obama took the initiative
to share those methods, especially producers of "Fear Factor", who
were running out of ideas for a future season. (Pedro Bartes)
President Obama opened the door Tuesday to prosecuting the Bush
administration for torturing al-Qaeda prisoners. It's an idea he
picked up at the Summit of the Americas. We're not a banana republic
until the previous administration is imprisoned. (Argus Hamilton)
Former President George W. Bush said today he does not remember seeing
any of those torture memos. But to be fair, to Bush, any memo on his
desk was torture. "I'm not readin' that." (Jay Leno)
They've released classified documents that show Dick Cheney ordered
waterboarding. President Obama said that instead of waterboarding
suspects, he's going to put them in dunk tanks. (David Letterman)
A new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists is offering fitness tips to
jihadists. They need to be trained, not so much for the actual attack,
but you definitely have to be fit to be able to please 72 virgins.
(Pedro Bartes)
THE MILITARY
The U. S. Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug
addicts and felons. The NBA announced the same thing, but that was
because they had already met their quota. (Tim Hunter)
NASA & SPACE
Former astronaut Edgar Mitchell insists that extraterrestrial life
exists, and that the truth is being concealed by the U.S. government,
mostly because Washington doesn't want us to know just how much money
we've spent to bail out the entire Martian banking system. (Jake Novak)
MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA
Paraguay's President is accused of fathering two children with teenage
girls while he was a Catholic bishop. The Vatican professed shock: "We
have priests who sleep with girls?" (Janice Hough)
Fidel Castro says Pres. Obama may have misinterpreted words from his
brother Raul when Raul said, "everything, everything, everything" is
now open for discussion with the US. -- What Raul meant to say was,
"death to the imperialist pigs and glory to the booming economy of
Cuba". It's easy to see the confusion. (Jerry Perisho)
President Obama said Saturday the U. S. was about to change its
relationship with Cuba. He has his reasons. Conservatives have been
complaining that Barack Obama is a Manchurian candidate, but it turns
out he's a secret scout for the Chicago White Sox. (Argus Hamilton)
Recently, that evil Hugo Chavez from Venezuela slipped President Obama
a book that is printed in Spanish. But President Obama does not read
or speak Spanish. It would be like handing George W. Bush any book.
(David Letterman)
Cocaine production in Bolivia is reportedly on the rise. That's just
one more sign that the recession hasn't hurt the Hollywood economy one
bit. (Jim Barach)
ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN
Great Britain raised its income tax rate Wednesday to fifty percent on
all income over one hundred and fifty thousand pounds. You can see
what's coming. Pretty soon all the ballots for elections in Beverly
Hills will have to be printed in English. (Argus Hamilton)
FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE
In Germany, they say prostitutes are turning to innovative methods to
maintain their income. For example, many of them are following the
lead of some airlines and charging extra for a pillow and blanket.
(Bill Mihalic)
The Producers opens in Germany for the first time in May complete with
its hit number, Springtime for Hitler. Bad idea. Showing The Producers
in Germany is like showing Boogie Nights at the Betty Ford Center, it
is still too soon to joke about it. (Argus Hamilton)
CHINA & THE FAR EAST
The good news is that China claims they will have health care for all
their citizens by 2020. The bad news? By 2021 everyone in China will
be dead of lead poisoning and air pollution. (Alex Kaseberg)
INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT
They are now holding national elections in India. You know, voting
over there lasts a month. They have a month of voting, which seems
long for an election. Unless you're from Minnesota. Then it's like
nothing. (Jay Leno)
SCIENCE & HEALTH
A study says that job promotion can actually harm a person's health
with more stress. So you get stress with a promotion, stress with job
loss and every day stress by keeping your job. So apparently work will
kill you no matter what. (Jim Barach)
A doctor in Kentucky claims he has transferred cloned human embryos
into four women prepared to give birth to the first cloned babies. In
California, Octomom exclaimed, "why, those crazy attention-hungry
bitches!" (Jerry Perisho)
According to AP, U.S. manufacturers, including major drugmakers, have
released tons of pharmaceuticals into waterways and the drugs end up
in our tap water. And today Paula Abdul, and Rush Limbaugh begged to
be waterboarded. (Pedro Bartes)
Inflatable fitness balls are being recalled because they might burst.
How fat are we getting in this country when we are crushing exercise
equipment!? (Jay Leno)
U.S. researchers said on Wednesday that chewing gum may boost academic
performance in teenagers. Apparently, students write cheat sheets in
the bubble gum's wrapping paper. (Pedro Bartes)
A new computer bug called the "iBotnet" is only targeting Mac
computers. Experts say it originated somewhere in the Seattle area.
(Jerry Perisho)
THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT
Los Angeles had one-hundred-degree heat Monday as Santa Ana winds
arrived from the Imperial Desert two months early. It's baking. The
ideal fire conditions got here early in case the Lakers don't make it
out of the first round of the NBA playoffs. (Argus Hamilton)
It's hot here today in L. A. In fact, it was so hot, I called up the
C.I.A. and begged to be waterboarded. (Craig Ferguson)
It was hot in LA again today, really hot. I was sweating like Michael
Vick at the Westminster Dog Show. (Jerry Perisho)
It's one hundred degrees in L. A., but because of the bad economy, a
lot of people can't afford sun screen. Today, Al Gore warned of global
tanning. (Frank King)
It's "Green Is Universal" week. Everyone's getting into it. Earlier
today, Donald Trump announced that he's going to release his hair back
into the wild. (Jimmy Fallon)
Researchers in Britain announced today that global warming is caused
in part by overweight people. They say obese people release more
carbon dioxide into the air. No, this is real. See, all this time you
used to think it was caused by coal-burning factories. Turns out it
was Cheesecake Factories. (Jay Leno)
SPORTS
The New York Yankees got clobbered in the first game at their new
Yankee Stadium, 10-2. It was so bad New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg
ordered Alex Rodriguez's cousin to shoot steroids in all the Yankee's
butts. (Alex Kaseberg)
The home runs are flying out of the new Yankee Stadium, to give you an
idea, ex-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer could score there without hiring
a hooker. (Alex Kaseberg)
The New York Yankees, playing in their $1.5 billion stadium with a
$201,449,189 payroll, lost Saturday by a score of 22-4 to the
Cleveland Indians -– a team with a 4-8 record. The Yankees not only
spend like drunken sailors, they play like them, too! (Jim Rose)
The Cleveland Indians beat the New York Yankees 22-4 in the new Yankee
Stadium. The last time Indians beat Yankees that bad Col. Custer was
thinking of updating his resume. (Alex Kaseberg)
On the Indians' record-breaking inning against the Yankees on
Saturday: Not that New York fans are that shocked to see their team
outscored 14-0 in the second. It's just that usually the Jets are
involved. (Janice Hough)
Experts say a rare, 7.03-carat blue diamond could fetch as much as
$8.5 million during a Swiss auction next month. The exact amount
depends on how mad Kobe Bryant's wife is at him. (Jerry Perisho)
The NFL draft is Saturday. Most teams will be looking for speed. In
this league you need players who can outrun the police. (Alan Ray)
The Detroit Lions are expected to make Georgia quarterback Matt
Stafford the #1 pick in the NFL draft. The Lions can't offer him a
huge salary, but the team will give him full ownership of GM,
Chrysler, and 500,000 foreclosed homes. (Jake Novak)
Denver Broncos safety Brian Dawkins won the NFL's Byron "Whizzer"
White Award for community service. The only reason he beat out the
Cincinnati Bengals for the amount of community service performed is
that Dawkins' service wasn't court ordered. (Jim Barach)
On tennis star Andy Roddick marrying swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker:
They met in 2007 when Roddick saw her picture in Sports Illustrated
and — here's the really romantic part — had his agent contact hers.
(Bob Molinaro)
The NBA postseason continues. Denver's Carmelo Anthony came out the
other night smoking. But what he does in his limo before the game is
nobody's business. (Alan Ray)
The N.B.A. postseason has begun. In a playoff, a championship team
always takes its game to the next level. Beer goes from $8.50 to $10.
(Alan Ray)
The .167 Washington Nationals issued a jersey to their player, Adam
Dunn, spelled Natinals. Talk about a team that doesn't have any O.
(Alex Kaseberg)
CBS has a Fantasy Golf League. This isn't just for people who need to
get a life, Fantasy Golf is for people whose only chance of getting a
life is to borrow the life of their imaginary girlfriend. -- It's
called "Fantasy Golf" because the name "The Biggest Loser" was already
taken. (Alex Kaseberg)
The Palm Beach Polo Club lost twenty-one thoroughbred ponies to an
undiagnosed illness Sunday. They dropped dead just before a match.
It's more evidence that the Obama agenda doesn't just apply to the
rich, it also covers the horse they rode in on. (Argus Hamilton)
ENTERTAINMENT
Jessica Simpson announced she is making a sitcom with Britney Spears.
It's a combination of "Two and a Half Men" "How I Met Your Mother" and
"The Big Bang Theory." It's called: "How I Banged Two and a Half
Men." (Alex Kaseberg)
TiVo is set to sell advertisers instant info on what people watch, and
how long they watch it. Preliminary data shows that most Americans
watch the full hour of "American Idol," about 45 minutes of
"Survivor," and men watch "The Playboy Channel" for seven minutes at a
time. (Jake Novak)
THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET
Sean Hannity told Charles Grodin during his show that he would get
waterboarded for charity. So many offers came in, we might be able to
pay our international debt. (Pedro Bartes)
Football announcer John Madden has decided to retire from the
broadcasting booth. He was famous for traveling the country, eating a
lot and spending his Sundays talking about football. Which is what
most men call "retirement". (Jim Barach)
John Madden retired from broadcasting NFL games on Thursday. Everybody
in NBC was sad, not as sad as Frank Caliendo who will have to find a
regular job now. (Pedro Bartes)
I still can't believe John Madden is retiring from football
broadcasting. Of course, think of how much oil the country will stop
needing with the Madden Cruiser parked in his driveway. (Tim Hunter)
CELEBRITIES
Madonna is back with her young boyfriend. Apparently, his grades at
school improved and his parents allowed him to date again. (Pedro
Bartes)
She's OK, but Madonna was thrown from her horse on Long Island. First
her husband, Guy Ritchie, divorces her, Alex Rodriguez dumps her, so
does her young Brazilian boyfriend and now her horse tosses her.
Madonna is having a harder time staying on a male than Rosie O'Donnell
(Alex Kaseberg)
There's talk circulating that Britney Spears is pregnant again.
Apparently, some people noticed she was wearing underwear, which is a
sign that she's afraid the kid would pop up unexpectedly. (Pedro Bartes)
Mel Gibson's wife of 28 years has filed for divorce. He is reportedly
worth a billion dollars and there is no prenuptial agreement. If he
thought he produced a dramatic crucifixion scene in "The Passion of
the Christ", wait until her lawyers get him in court. (Jim Barach)
Hulk Hogan caused outrage Thursday by saying his divorce left him so
bitter he totally gets why O. J. flipped out. The man's a professional
wrestler. It would look like he was killing his wife and the waiter,
but it would all be fake for the cameras. (Argus Hamilton)
Britain's Got Talent has found another internet sensation. First it
was Susan Boyle and now is a 12-year-old kid who sings amazingly.
Today, Michael Jackson called the producers to ask if the kid had
already been kissed, because he is willing to help. (Pedro Bartes)
Pamela Anderson is getting married for the fourth time. If you want to
get the couple a gift they're registered at Bed, Bath and Been There,
Done That. (Alex Kaseberg)
"Hannah Montana" star Miley Cyrus says her 20-year-old boyfriend
Justin Gaston is "just like" her dad, Billie Ray Cyrus. In other
words, he's a bad singer, has a cheesy mullet and lives off his 16-
year-old daughter. (Jerry Perisho)
Susan Boyle's video has surpassed the number of views that Obama's
Inauguration video had. Obama is planning a comeback to regain the
lead, today he asked Janet Reno if she could sing. (Pedro Bartes)
Bernie Madoff's wife, Ruth, says she has $62 million that's not part
of the money Bernie swindled. She says it's money she saved by
shopping at Costco. (Jay Leno)
Captain Richard Phillips got offers from Hollywood studios for the
film rights to his heroic story Tuesday. How much he gets depends on
his past. If he's led an upright life he could get millions, but if he
has skeletons in his closet the sky's the limit. (Argus Hamilton)
Several publications are reporting that Octomom Nadya Suleman, in her
earlier years, supported herself as a stripper. But, it just didn't
work out; lapdancing tips dried up whenever her water broke. (Jerry
Perisho)
Fran Drescher, formerly "The Nanny" on television, has announced she
is considering running for Hillary Clinton's old Senate seat. Let's
see, experience with spoiled, whiny children? Yeah, that's about as
good as any other possible preparation for Congress. (Janice Hough)
EDUCATION
A fraternity at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln was suspended
when it was learned that a stripper allegedly used a vibrator to
anally penetrate a fraternity pledge during an initiation party. A
center for the school's football team, this man says he'll never again
be able to get into a three-point stance. (Jerry Perisho)
HISTORY
It was on Wednesday's date in 1889 that they held the Oklahoma land
rush. Thousands of settlers rushed to grab 1.9 million acres of land
that had been taken from the Indians. The Indians relocated to where
the casinos and the oil were. It was a great deal for them. (Jerry
Perisho)
It was 20 years ago Thursday that "Baywatch" premiered on television.
The flowing hair, the sweaty thighs, the huge jiggling breasts; and
that was just David Hasselhoff. (Jerry Perisho)
The Titanic Memorial Cruise was scheduled to sail from England for New
York three years from now, on the one hundredth anniversary of the ill-
fated voyage. The luxury ocean liner Balmoral will re-trace the route
of the Titanic. For anyone who didn't see the bottom of the ocean
during the financial crisis, this is your chance. (Argus Hamilton)
CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
Lawyers say they are seeing a decline in the number of divorces during
this economic downturn. Yeah, the urge to split kinda goes away when
the spouse does the math and finds out that half of zero is zero.
(Bill Mihalic)
They've got a new iPhone app out called "Phone Call" that actually
lets you use your iPhone to call someone. What won't they think of
next? (Tim Hunter)
A California high school cheerleading coach who was posted on the
Playboy online website as "Cyber Girl of the Week" has been terminated
from her position. The girls on the cheer squad say they are
disappointed to have lost their cheer coach, but happy they'll once
again be wearing underwear with their cheer uniforms. (Jerry Perisho)
BUSINESS & LABOR
Big time law firms are laying off attorneys because of the down
economy. What's the only thing worse than a highly trained lawyer who
can't practice his craft? One who can. (Alan Ray)
Wal-Mart announced Tuesday that many non-English speakers will soon be
able to read prescription drug instructions in their primary language,
which will make it easier for Rush Limbaugh to send his maid to get
his Oxycotin. (Pedro Bartes)
Hallmark Cards will cut 750 jobs. The greeting card business is having
a rough time. Hallmark is trying a new idea. They give you a refund on
a "Get Well" card if the sick person dies. (Toms Lake Humor Company)
The Dollar Store reported huge sales volume during the first quarter
on Friday as American consumers flocked to the retail outlet for low-
priced bargains. Every item in the store sells for a dollar or less.
Don't buy your bank stocks anywhere else. (Argus Hamilton)
GM is recalling more than a million vehicles that could potentially
catch fire. Mostly from buyers who are torching them because they
can't make their payments. (Jim Barach)
General Motors announced Wednesday it will shut down its U. S.
factories for nine weeks this summer. The handwriting is on the wall.
If the Detroit Lions have any sense at all they'll use their first
draft pick tomorrow to select the Los Angeles Coliseum. (Argus Hamilton)
Hershey's posted a higher-than-expected rise in quarterly profits,
helped by price increases, market share gains, and the fact that you
can buy chocolate bars with food stamps. (Jake Novak)
United Airlines is going to charge overweight passengers double fares
to fly. Everyone else will still just be overcharged the usual way for
drinks, blankets and movies. (Jim Barach)
Morgan Stanley executives are considering buying smaller banks across
the U.S. in hopes of diversifying the business, getting into consumer
lending, and having a really good place to hide their excessive
bonuses. (Jake Novak)
HOLIDAYS
Thursday Was "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day". Octomom would
have had one hell-of-a-day if she had a job! (Jerry Perisho)
President Obama gave a speech in Iowa for Earth Day Wednesday. We can
all help save the planet. Earth Day is a day when Democrats call for
new sources of energy to replace fossil fuels and Republicans make an
extra effort to replace their divots. (Argus Hamilton)
Celebrities and Politicians decided to conserve energy Wednesday to
honor Earth Day. For example, Biden unplugged his hair plugs, Britney
unplugged her mic during a concert, and Paris Hilton used a solar-
powered sex toy. (Pedro Bartes)
Since the first Earth Day in 1970, the world's countries have
increased their use of fossil fuels and other pollutants by about
1,000%. Nice work greenies. (Jake Novak)
CONTESTS & AWARDS
Columbia University handed out the Pulitzer Prizes last night. In a
stunning development, one of the winning newspaper reporters actually
hadn't been laid off! (Jake Novak)
Last night was the Miss USA Pageant. In the talent competition, Miss
New York showed how to lure gullible investors into a Ponzi scheme.
Miss New Jersey's talent was showing how to make another contestant's
death look accidental. Miss California's talent was giving birth to
octuplets. (David Letterman)
North Carolina's Kristen Dalton won the Miss USA Pageant. I guess
Republicans now have a VP candidate for 2012. (Jimmy Fallon)
A lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she
said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who
the audience is who watches beauty pageants. (Jay Leno)
Miss California – the Miss USA runner-up – has been casually dating
Michael Phelps. So, while she is against gay marriage, she appears to
be totally fine with the drug thing. (Jerry Perisho)
After the controversy generated during the Miss America Pageant, Miss
California, has been interviewed numerous times by Fox News. In case
you get confused, she is the blond, with big boobs and no brains and
Sean Hannity is just the big boob. (Pedro Bartes)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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