WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-11-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
How many miss the good old days, when America was just morally
bankrupt? (Gil Ross)
One day the market is up the next it is down, up and down up and down,
on and off, on and off, this isn't a bull or bear market, it's a Paris
Hilton market. (Alex Kaseberg)
Hey, before we get started tonight, I want to remind any potential
cabinet members you have until April 15th to not pay your taxes, okay?
(Jay Leno)
London hosted a Group of Twenty meeting Wednesday amid chaos. Chinese
communists are now the capitalists, France's president is Hungarian,
the Anglo-Saxons are being led by a socialist and a Kenyan, and
Germany is refusing to send troops into other countries. Astronauts
aboard the Space Station report the Earth is spinning backwards.
(Argus Hamilton)
A seismologist said that his warning of the quake in Italy was removed
from the internet. Officials said his warning was based on shaky
research. (Robert Stupple)
Plaxico Burress, released by Giants, awaits next shot with another
team. (Dwight Perry)
President Obama received a private audience with Queen Elizabeth at
Buckingham Palace Wednesday. She spoke quite firmly with him. She
reminded him that if the United States is going to return to absolute
monarchy she's got first claim on the job. (Argus Hamilton)
Washington State's execution team has resigned. Apparently they heard
that the economy was going to cause a lot of heads to roll. (Jim Barach)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
While Michelle Obama was getting a peck on the cheek from the
President of France, the first lady of France offered President Obama
a handshake instead of a kiss. I feel a Certs commercial coming on.
(Tim Hunter)
Michelle Obama was a huge hit in Britain at the G-20 Summit. She was
adored by the British press and public and children who followed her
everywhere. She's so much like Princess Diana it rekindled the passion
between Prince Charles and Camilla. (Argus Hamilton)
On his way home from his trip abroad, President Obama made a short,
unscheduled stop in Bagdad. The stop was so short Air Force One didn't
even land. The president used one of A.I.G.'s golden parachutes. (Bill
Williams)
So Obama is back from his European trip. I feel bad for him. He has
gone from Baden-Baden to Biden-Biden. (Marc Ragovin)
THE ADMINISTRATION
The White House issued a toll-free number for a recorded foreign
policy update from Hillary Clinton on Friday, but the number turned
out to be a phone sex line. It was an honest goof. They accidentally
gave out the number for the Bill Clinton update. (Argus Hamilton)
Hillary Clinton offered the Taliban an olive branch last week if they
would renounce violence in Afghanistan. The day before, she offered to
work with Iran. She doesn't care what they do as long as they come up
the back stairs and don't go public with it. (Argus Hamilton)
The White House Protocol Office caught heat for President Obama's
gifts to our allies. They're all pretty useless. He gave Gordon Brown
DVDs that won't play in Britain, he gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod, and
he gave the Italian government Chrysler. (Argus Hamilton)
Homer Simpson's picture will be put on a first-class postage stamp.
The post office is bankrupt and may cancel Saturday service. It's okay
to put Homer Simpson's face on a stamp but they really ought to
replace him as Postmaster General. (Argus Hamilton)
THE ECONOMY
I don't want to say the economic picture looks bleak, but people are
already beginning to talk about the Greater Depression. (Tulla
Brendingulo)
There was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup
reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes
to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our
bailout dollars can do. (Jay Leno)
THE CONGRESS
The Justice Department prepared Wednesday to drop all charges against
Alaska's convicted former U. S. Senator Ted Stevens. This guy was a
legend in Washington D. C. Ted Stevens brought home so much pork in
forty years that he's banned in two religions. (Argus Hamilton)
The Justice Department threw out the conviction of Alaska's former
Senator Ted Stevens. It was thrown out for good reason. He was
convicted of not listing bribes on his tax returns and the Obama
administration still has a few cabinet posts to fill. (Argus Hamilton)
The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would give the
Food and Drug Administration the authority to regulate tobacco
products, which makes sense now that a pack of cigarettes costs about
the same as a bottle of Viagra." (Jake Novak)
Congress voted Thursday to give the FDA power to regulate tobacco.
This is the perfect chance for the tobacco states to legalize pot
smoking. Restaurant patrons may not like the smell at first but
everybody will be used to it by the third dessert. (Argus Hamilton)
Senator Byron Dorgan introduced a bill permitting Americans to visit
Cuba for the first time in five decades. Havana's streets are filled
with fifty-year-old Chevys and Fords and Chryslers in flawless
condition. The goal of the policy is to topple the Castro government
and turn Cuba into the Museum of American Car Excellence. (Argus
Hamilton)
THE STATES
The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars
and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that's significant because Virginia
is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of
California banning breast implants. (Jay Leno)
Illinois's former governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted for fraud on
Friday. It's unfair. When he tried to sell a U. S. Senate seat for a
million dollars last September he had no idea it would only be worth
three hundred thousand dollars six months later. (Argus Hamilton)
LOCAL NEWS
Freedom Tower was dropped as the new World Trade Center's name because
the Chinese tenants might be offended. What an outrage. We're lucky al-
Qaeda isn't opening an office there or kids would have to be taught
that the Twin Towers were brought down by Canadian geese. (Argus
Hamilton)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
Hey, here's some good news. Bernard Madoff, the sleaze-ball guy in
that $50 billion Ponzi scheme thing, is going to plead guilty. But
Madoff's lawyer is trying to get all the charges dropped by arguing
that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren't any
rich people anymore. (Jay Leno)
You know you have a drinking problem when your car is a barstool.
Police in Ohio arrested a man after he crashed his motorized barstool.
Although in his defense, the man said he was depressed because he just
lost his job as CEO of General Motors. (Bill Maher)
A report by the FBI says that Internet crime is up 33%. And that
doesn't even include people who actually pay money to sign up for AOL.
(Jim Barach)
IMMIGRATION
President Obama goes to Mexico next week for a presidential summit
while he's under pressure by Latino leaders to ease immigration laws.
Immigrants do the jobs Americans refuse to do. No American wants to be
president of GM for what Obama's willing to pay. (Argus Hamilton)
CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION
The Iowa Supreme Court has ruled that a gay marriage ban in the state
is unconstitutional. The decision could affect all seven gay people
living in Iowa. (Jim Barach)
NASA & SPACE
Scientists are worried about the increasing amount of "space junk" in
orbit. Especially whatever it is that's beaming down Dish Network's
basic package. (Todd Long)
There is so much discarded trash in outer space that three times last
month, the International Space Station was almost hit by some useless
hunk of floating metal? So, you've got to give the human race credit.
Only humans could visit an infinite void and leave it cluttered. Not
only have we screwed up our own planet, somehow we have also managed
to use up all the space in space. (Bill Maher)
You know what's up there? Old satellites, spent rocket boosters. Neil
Armstrong's golf club. That canister with Gene Roddenberry's ashes.
Empty Tang jars. Discarded astronaut diapers. It's over 100,000 items,
my favorite being a NASA space glove, which, in 1965, was lost by
astronaut Ed White. I can't tell you why he had his glove off except
to say that, in space, it can get very lonely. (Bill Maher)
The space station urine-to-drinking-water purifier continues to
malfunction. On a side note, the space shuttle has cancelled All-The-
Asparagus-You-Can-Eat night. (Alex Kaseberg)
A Russian Soyuz space capsule carrying billionaire Charles Simonyi and
a Russian-American crew touched down safely in Kazakhstan. Simonyi
paid $60 million for the two trips, but the second one was slightly
more because he checked two bags. (Paul Seaburn)
MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA
Cabo San Lucas reported big college crowds last month for spring
break. That's when college students head for Mexico to drink, do drugs
and have sex. After that they go back to school and return to the same
old grind--drink, do drugs and have sex. (Argus Hamilton)
Prison inmates in Brazil have trained carrier pigeons to bring them
cell phones. If you're talking to one of these guys, don't ask them
how many bars they have. (Jerry Perisho)
SCIENCE & HEALTH
A study says that fat babies tend to become overweight toddlers.
Experts are placing the blame on role models, saying that Barney and
the Teletubbies need to slim down to stop setting a bad example. (Jim
Barach)
A report says 1 in 5 preschoolers is obese. McDonalds' new dessert
treat addresses the problem. The McSkittles. (Alan Ray)
A government medical panel says that all teenagers should be tested
for depression. The only other group that suffers a higher depression
rate is AIG stockholders. (Jim Barach)
Researchers suspect a rise in oral sex is to blame for increased cases
of tonsil cancer. They've also found that a decrease in oral sex is to
blame for increased cases of divorce." (Jake Novak)
The White House rolled out a web site Tuesday for people suffering
from mental stress due to the economy. It means well. Psychiatrists
are listed who are willing to help you, and if they determine that you
are suicidal they make you pay in advance. (Argus Hamilton)
SPORTS
This is a great time in sports. The NCAA finals just ended, the
Masters is starting this week and opening day in Major League Baseball
is so recent the players still have the band aids on their butts from
their first steroid injection. (Alex Kaseberg)
Palm Harbor (Fla.) University High School has suspended its baseball
coach over reports that players — believing their team was snakebit —
beheaded a serpent and buried it on the pitcher's mound, the Tampa
Tribune reported. Investigators immediately vowed to get the cutoff
man. (Dwight Perry)
Honcho Hal Steinbrenner admits that some of his team's tickets at the
New Yankee Stadium — like the $2,625 ones, for instance, might be
overpriced. In related news, fire might be hot, water might be wet.
(Drew Curtis)
The New York Yankees were reported Wednesday to be having trouble
selling their five-thousand-dollar box seats. The perks that come with
the tickets are nice. If you give a pitcher the thumbs down during a
tough inning a lion will come out and eat him. (Argus Hamilton)
The New York Yankees lifted their nine-year ban on beer sales in the
bleachers Monday, allowing fans to buy twelve-ounce beers for six
dollars. This is grim news. History teaches us that it's not
officially a depression until prohibition is repealed. (Argus Hamilton)
The New York Yankees on Saturday unveiled their new Yankee Stadium.
It's built for a really good time. It includes a sports bar with disco
music and a full view of the field where women drink for half-price,
and that's just the Yankees dugout. (Argus Hamilton)
The new Yankee stadium is quite plush. They thought of everything.
They even have a team eye, ear, nose and throat specialist for when
Alex Rodriguez chokes in the Fall. (Alex Kaseberg)
The Masters is in Augusta, Georgia. What do Tigers Woods and a Bear
Stearns investor have in common? Both are in the hole very quickly.
(Alan Ray)
The 43-year-old wife of 20-year-old Pirates prospect Jose Tabata was
accused of taking a 2-month-old baby from a Florida health clinic.
Obviously not her first attempt at robbing the cradle. (Jerry Wolski)
Disgraced quarterback Michael Vick, earning 12 cents an hour as a
janitor in prison, has a $10-an-hour construction job lined up once
he's out on work-release. That makes Vick one of the few people in the
country in line for a big raise, at least below the executive level,
anyway. (David Thomas)
An amateur soccer player in Stretford, England, got red-carded for
"breaking wind" to distract an opponent who was taking a free kick.
That's one way to create space. (The Manchester Evening News)
Gun shots were reportedly fired on the paparazzi after Patriots
quarterback Tom Brady and model Gisele Bündchen renewed their wedding
vows in Costa Rica on Saturday. Brady had no comment, although
witnesses heard someone yell, "Who invited Plaxico?" (Reggie Hayes)
This is the first weekend of the MLB season. At the new Mets Stadium,
shiny porcelain fixtures replace what fans had become used to as a
bathroom facility. The subway. (Alan Ray)
A recent article said that the Mets new home, Citi Field, has some
seats with restricted views. Hey, given the last two seasons, Manager
Jerry Manuel is hoping they are in the dugout. (Marc Ragovin)
A minor league baseball team in Texas, the Grand Prairie AirHogs, will
hold a special "Octomom Night" this season. If the team scores eight
runs that night, everybody gets a free ticket to another game. (Jerry
Perisho)
CELEBRITIES
A judge has rejected Madonna's petition to adopt another child from
Malawi. She is already mother to 3 pampered children. Four, if you
count Alex Rodriguez. (Alan Ray)
A court in Malawi turned down Madonna's adoption request. First Guy
Ritchie divorces her then Alex Rodriguez dumps her, then her 22-year-
old Brazilian boy toy dumps her and now she can't adopt a boy. Things
are bad for Madonna when Rosie O'Donnell is doing better with the
guys. (Alex Kaseberg)
Jessica Simpson wants to become a contestant on "Dancing with the
Stars". Right now she's practicing her 2-step. "One, two, three, One,
two, three. One, two, three…" (Alan Ray)
Chloris Leachman posed in a gown made of lettuce and red cabbage and
posed for a PETA ad campaign to promote vegetarianism. No reports of
anyone becoming a vegetarian, but many people did lose their appetite
completely. (Doug Austen)
Oscar-winning actress Cloris Leachman publicized her just-released
autobiography Friday by posing nude in front of cameras wearing
nothing but lettuce. There was no danger of exposure. All the farm
workers have gone back to Mexico because of the economy. (Argus
Hamilton)
Sarah Palin is furious at Levi Johnston, the father of her daughter
Bristol's baby Tripp, for spilling his guts about their sex life on
"The Tyra Banks Show". How furious? Right now Levi can see Sarah's
Russian AK47 from his house. (Alex Kaseberg)
Todd Palin denies that Sarah Palin ever shopped at Saks. Apparently
Palin just had her chauffeur take her personal shopper there to have
her body double fitted with the custom wardrobe. (Jim Barach)
Valerie Bertinelli appears in a bikini in the latest issue of People.
Don't be surprised to see Mackenzie Phillips when you get a copy, as
she may be working the cash register that day. (Todd Long)
Miss Universe from Venezuela was criticized for blogging about the
beauty of Guantanamo Bay while on a visit there. She explained that
conditions there are a picnic compared to being in a dressing room
full of other beauty pageant contestants. (Jim Barach)
Dave Arneson, the creator of the Dungeons & Dragons fantasy game, has
died at age 61. Arneson is credited with helping millions more teenage
boys remain virgins than the "Promise Keepers." (Jake Novak)
EDUCATION
Earlier this week, President Obama took on the teachers union by
saying he wants merit pay for teachers and to fire the ones who do not
perform well. That is pretty bold. A Democrat taking on the unions is
like Rush Limbaugh going after the doughnut manufacturers. (Jay Leno)
RELIGION
This is a holy week for Christians. Biblical scholars say during the
Last Supper with his 12 Disciples, Jesus wept. The server wouldn't do
separate checks. (Alan Ray)
Did you hear about the Church of England where people are so upset
they are leaving the Church. They are going through de-baptisms. Not
so popular is the Jewish de-circumcision service! [Jay Leno]
BUSINESS & LABOR
GM CEO Rick Wagoner resigned under pressure from the Obama
Administration. His last four years saw the company lay off 25,000
employees and lose $85 Billion, but he leaves with a pension of $23
Million. Of course if he is paid in GM stock that would amount to
$17.32. (Jim Barach)
Goldman Sachs is looking to sell billions of new shares of stock. The
plan relies on finding a few billion investors who haven't read the
business news for the last 18 months. (Jake Novak)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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Germans get taste of tropics an hour's drive from Berlin 
Winter-weary 
The Bible makes no mention of a long-eared, short-tailed creature who delivers decorated eggs to well-behaved children on Easter Sunday; nevertheless, the Easter bunny has become a prominent symbol of Christianity's most important holiday. The exact origins of this mythical mammal are unclear, but rabbits, known to be prolific procreators, are an ancient symbol of fertility and new life. According to some sources, the Easter bunny first arrived in America in the 1700s with German immigrants who settled in Pennsylvania and transported their tradition of an egg-laying hare called "Osterhase" or "Oschter Haws." Their children made nests in which this creature could lay its colored eggs. Eventually, the custom spread across the U.S. and the fabled rabbit's Easter morning deliveries expanded to include chocolate and other types of candy and gifts, while decorated baskets replaced nests. Additionally, children often left out carrots for the bunny in case he got hungry from all his hopping. Easter Eggs 
Easter is a religious holiday, but some of its customs, such as Easter eggs, are likely linked to pagan traditions. The egg, an ancient symbol of new life, has been associated with pagan festivals celebrating spring. From a Christian perspective, Easter eggs are said to represent Jesus' emergence from the tomb and resurrection. Decorating eggs for Easter is a tradition that dates back to at least the 13th century, according to some sources. One explanation for this custom is that eggs were formerly a forbidden food during the Lenten season, so people would paint and decorate them to mark the end of the period of penance and fasting, then eat them on Easter as a celebration. 
Easter is the second best-selling candy holiday in America, after Halloween. Among the most popular sweet treats associated with this day are chocolate eggs, which date back to early 19th century Europe. Eggs have long been associated with Easter as a symbol of new life and Jesus' resurrection. Another egg-shaped candy, the jelly bean, became associated with Easter in the 1930s (although the jelly bean's origins reportedly date all the way back to a Biblical-era concoction called a Turkish Delight). According to the National Confectioners Association, over 16 billion jelly beans are made in the U.S. each year for Easter, enough to fill a giant egg measuring 89 feet high and 60 feet wide. For the past decade, the top-selling non-chocolate Easter candy has been the marshmallow Peep, a sugary, pastel-colored confection. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania-based candy manufacturer Just Born (founded by Russian immigrant Sam Born in 1923) began selling Peeps in the 1950s. The original Peeps were handmade, marshmallow-flavored yellow chicks, but other shapes and flavors were later introduced, including chocolate mousse bunnies. Easter Parade 
