WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-21-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Now it turns out AIG gave $35 billion — not million — $35 billion of
our money to bail out European banks. See, this is how a global
economy works. Our hard earned tax dollars are used to bail out German
banks for making bad investments in American companies that shut down
because their Japanese owners moved the whole thing to India, China
and Mexico. You follow? (Jay Leno)
March Madness. Are you excited about college basketball? The N.C.A.A.
tournament starts out at 65, then it goes right to 64, then 32, then
16, then four, then down to just one. I mean, it's like G.M. stock,
really, when you think about it. (David Letterman)
Banks used to close at 3PM. Now they've started four closure. (Bob
Dvorak)
Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is back in front of the TV
cameras to talk about the AIG scandal. It is very appropriate, if you
think about it. Who is better to talk about screwing people than Eliot
Spitzer. (Pedro Bartes)
Adult film star Jenna Jameson gave birth to twin boys Monday. Talk
about traveling down a well-worn path. (Tim Hunter)
Police in Houston have busted an upscale prostitution ring with more
than fifteen hundred clients. Hookers in Houston are offering the
"Apollo 13 Special". For an extra 20 bucks, they'll go 'round the
world before grabbing the joystick and bringing you in for a perfect
splashdown. (Jerry Perisho)
Now look, this can't be verified but, by gollie, it has the ring of
truth about it. Late last year, after the Presidential Campaign ended,
then President Elect Obama crossed paths with Rush Limbaugh in a New
York restaurant. The two had a brief chat. Limbaugh allowed as how he
was really quite impressed by Obama's two books and then added: "Who
wrote them for you?" Obama's response to the de faco head of the
Republican Party was: "Who read them to you?" (Jim Mica)
This is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You
know who he should nominate for Food and Drug Administration
commissioner? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more
experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh? (David Letterman)
A.I.G. might have accomplished the impossible: making Nadya Suleman
look deserving. (Janice Hough)
According to CNN, the recession is bringing new terms to the public's
vocabulary. Actually, I think all seven words were previously
identified by George Carlin. (Bill Mihalic)
AIG
AIG, which already received $170 billion in taxpayers' money, paid
$165 million in bonuses. But they say the bonuses are justified
because the company made an extra $170 billion last year. (Jay Leno)
Earlier this week, Republican Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa said
that AIG executives should follow the Japanese model by publicly
apologizing and then doing one of two things -- either resign or kill
themselves. But why not have them resign, then kill themselves on pay
per view, huh? That would raise enough money to pay off everybody they
screwed. (Jay Leno)
Some members of Congress want to tax 90% of the money AIG executives
made in bonuses. It is a tough dilemma for the executives; if they
pay, they lose most of the money, and if they don't pay the taxes,
they might end up in Obama's cabinet. (Pedro Bartes)
In his speech yesterday, President Barack Obama lashed out about these
excessive bonuses. He said the trouble at AIG was caused by
recklessness and excessive greed. But here's the problem. The AIG
executives thought it was a compliment. They went, "Oh, thanks,
wow." (Jay Leno)
"The Republicans are on board in this, too. Iowa Senator Charles
Grassley told AIG executives they should either quit or commit
suicide. But I think that's plain wrong. I mean, why give them the
option of quitting? (Jay Leno)
Several AIG executives have agreed to give back their controversial
bonuses. They've all decided to go after the real easy money and run
for Congress. (Jake Novak)
A.I.G. boss Phillip Liddy says he expects at least half of that $165
million given out as bonuses to be returned. He's keeping the other
half as his finder's fee. (Ira Lawson)
BERNIE MADOFF
Bernie Madoff admitted running a Ponzi scheme Thursday. He took money
from new investors to pay off old investors, skimming off the top and
never investing the money. This kind of financing is only allowed for
Broadway musicals and Social Security. (Argus Hamilton)
You know Bernard Madoff? Well, lawyers now say they plan to argue that
his wife, Ruth, is entitled to keep as much as $69 million in assets.
Yeah, please. Even A.I.G. guys are going, "Shut up!" (Jay Leno)
The Treasury Department began examining the financial assets of Bernie
Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, Monday. She has jewelry, yachts, a Palm
Beach mansion and fifty million in municipal bonds. She's an ideal
mark for a con man, but we knew that already. (Argus Hamilton)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
President Barack Obama filed out his NCAA brackets and his final four
are Louisville, North Carolina, Memphis and Pittsburgh. "I'll take
three cities and one state that all voted Democratic for $500,
Alex." (Alex Kaseberg)
President Obama met with the foreign minister of China at the White
House on Thursday. Everyone agreed that the visit was long overdue.
Barack Obama has been president of the United States for seven weeks,
it's about time he met with the owners. (Argus Hamilton)
We are very excited to have the President of the United States, Barack
Obama here. A lot of people were surprised that the President came to
NBC. You'd think by this time he'd be tired of big companies on the
brink of disaster with a bunch of overpaid executives. (Jay Leno)
President Obama compared Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to Alexander
Hamilton Wednesday. He often compares himself to Lincoln. If he
doesn't stop talking about great men who died by gunshot, the Secret
Service is going to arrest him as a threat to the president. (Argus
Hamilton)
President Obama spoke to business leaders meeting in Washington
Thursday and promised to maintain free trade overseas. He won't raise
protective tariffs. The idea is to give the U. S. auto industry no
other option but to build a better car. (Argus Hamilton)
He (Obama) drew the biggest laugh of the night after Leno asked if it
was fair for him to be "judged so quickly" after less than two months
in office. "I welcome the challenge," Obama replied. "In Washington,
it's a little bit like 'American Idol,' but everybody is Simon
Cowell." (Daniel Kurtzman)
President Obama appeared in a town-hall meeting in Costa Mesa
Wednesday an hour after Air Force One touched down on the west coast.
Costa Mesa is one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in all of Southern
California. Meth labs are a recession-proof business. (Argus Hamilton)
THE ECONOMY & TAXES
The Boston Tea Party Society called upon Americans to send teabags to
Congress Saturday to protest huge spending and higher taxes. Be sure
and send decaffeinated tea bags. Every time Congress stays up past
midnight they vote themselves a pay raise. (Argus Hamilton)
THE CONGRESS
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell says that Congress is spending
a billion dollars an hour it is in session. That means it's bleeding
money at about the same rate as AIG. (Jim Barach)
Speaker Pelosi says Congress needs to "keep the door open" to another
stimulus package. And on a couple of F-18's in case she wants to go to
the beach this weekend. (Todd Long)
Senator David Vitter ordered flight attendants to open a just-closed
airplane door last week when he arrived at a gate late. He got
belligerent when they refused, so they called security and identified
him as he ran off. Senators who get caught in prostitution scandals
should never assume that flight attendants won't recognize them.
(Argus Hamilton)
THE STATES
States that use federal stimulus money to pay for construction
projects will have to pay the union wage instead of the market rate.
There's also a ton of paperwork the unions have to fill out now if
they want to break a guy's legs. (Todd Long)
The U. S. says it will stop raiding medical pot distributors in
California. The ruling is expected to have an immediate impact. Cases
of glaucoma are predicted to go up 1 million percent. (Alan Ray)
West Virginia lawmakers will debate a bill which bans Barbie doll
sales in the state. The bill claims the doll gives little girls
unrealistic expectations. Barbie owns a Dream House and a Corvette,
and that only happens when Republicans control Congress. (Argus
Hamilton)
Here in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval ratings
have been down lately. People seem to be having second thoughts about
having elected a robot to run the state. (Jimmy Kimmel)
LOCAL NEWS
New York is going to charge a $10 tax to enter a strip club. Is this
what they call a pole tax? (Alex Kaseberg)
In Salt Lake City, Utah, two female junior high school teachers were
arrested after they had sex with the same 13-year-old student. I don't
know what the big deal is — in Utah, that's home-schooling. (Jimmy
Fallon)
Los Angeles County Supervisors on Monday designated the first week of
March as No Cussing Week. Good luck. It's not going to work as long as
the cable news channels keep that running stock market ticker in the
lower right hand corner of the TV screen. (Argus Hamilton)
The New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is moving
toward a ban on bikini waxing. Upon hearing the news, 9,000 men
currently enrolled to get their cosmetology licenses stormed out and
went back to their jobs as peeping toms. (Jerry Perisho)
THE REPUBLICANS
GOP Chairman Michael Steele angered Republicans Thursday when he said
abortion is an individual choice. That's party heresy. It would be
like the chairman of the Democratic Party calling for banks to run
credit checks on people applying for a loan. (Argus Hamilton)
Former President George W. Bush said he is thinking of writing a book
about the 12 toughest decisions he had to make as a president.
Apparently, among those tough decisions he made as a president, Bush
will include: war in Iraq, mayo or mustard in his lunch sandwich, and
Nickelodeon or Disney at breakfast. (Pedro Bartes)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
As part of a 106-count indictment, the grand jury of Montague County,
Texas charged the former sheriff of having sex with jailed female
inmates. They women didn't really know they were having sex. They
thought they were blowing into the world's fleshiest breathalyzer.
(Jerry Perisho)
SECURITY & TERRORISM
Homeland Security sent agents to the Mexican border Friday in response
to drug cartel violence. The effort to stem the violence at the border
is hampered on two fronts. They can't figure out who's responsible for
all the assassinations and beheadings, and they can't figure out where
the United States ends and Mexico begins. (Argus Hamilton)
NASA & SPACE
NASA ordered Space Station astronauts into the escape capsule on
Thursday when a junked rocket engine approached at five miles per
second. They thought they were out of harm's way up there. They were
well above the orbit of the Canadian geese. (Argus Hamilton)
The space shuttle Discovery has just docked at the International Space
Station with much needed supplies, including a new distiller that
turns urine into drinking water. If the device works as planned, NASA
officials say they will stop charging astronauts to use the bathroom.
(Bill Mihalic)
MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA
Forbes magazine listed Mexico's cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on
their annual billionaires list. He's quite a shrewd businessman. Just
by keeping his cash out of banks and the stock market, he sailed by
two thousand people from last year's list. (Argus Hamilton)
Forbes listed cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on its billionaires list.
Sales of cocaine are always good when the economy is lousy. Its side
effects include a rush of euphoria, a feeling of invincibility for
fifteen minutes, and one-term presidencies. (Argus Hamilton)
AFRICA
The president of Madagascar left office after a popular radio host
there rallied support against him and will likely take over in a
special election. And today, Rush Limbaugh said, "You can do
that?" (Jay Leno)
SCIENCE & HEALTH
According to a new study by the National Center for Health, two in
every five American babies are born to unwed mothers. The two main
reasons: the NBA added more games to their schedule, and Octomom!
(Pedro Bartes)
A new study shows that being obese can shorten your life. And today
Obama mailed Rush Limbaugh 10 quarter pounders and 5 gallons of ice
cream. (Pedro Bartes)
New research out of the University of Virginia says that our mental
abilities begin to decline around the age of 27. In fact, by the age
of 50, many of us are thinking at a President Bush level. (Jay Leno)
A lack of vitamin D is being tied to teen health problems. One way the
vitamin is ingested is through sunshine. If there was only some way to
radiate the vitamin through video game screens. (Jim Barach)
A 6 year old Ohio boy has an IQ of 176. His parents ponder his ability
with sheer amazement. If he's so smart, why can't he clean up his
room? (Alan Ray)
SPORTS
Advertising Age said Tuesday that the NCAA tournament will draw a half
billion dollars in advertising. It's money well spent. Polls say
basketball is the world's second-favorite indoor sport, but the other
one's got more spectators on the Internet. (Argus Hamilton)
March Madness begins today as the NCAA basketball tournament begins.
Everybody watches it at work on their office computers. The only time
business for online porn is any slower is when a Washington sex
scandal pulls the audience over to C-SPAN. (Argus Hamilton)
It starts off with 65 contenders, then narrows to 64, then 32, then
16, next 8, and then 4 and 2 and finally you get down to just 1. It's
either a basketball tournament or a brief summary of that weird
"Benjamin Button" movie. (Jerry Perisho)
Nets forward Sean Williams, arrested for allegedly throwing a computer
monitor during an argument with a clerk at a Denver cellphone store,
somehow escaped the charge of setting a moving screen. (Dwight Perry)
New Jersey Devils' Martin Brodeur broke the record for most wins by a
goalie set by Patrick Roy. To give you some idea, this guy Brodeur has
stopped more shots than Paris Hilton's diaphragm. (Alex Kaseberg)
Phil Mickelson won at Doral Sunday despite food poisoning from
calamari he ate Friday. He finally ate a peanut butter sandwich on
Sunday. Phil's known for his reckless play on the golf course but the
man was risking his life eating peanut butter. (Argus Hamilton)
Alex Rodriguez posed shirtless and kissing himself in the mirror in a
magazine layout. There's a lesson here. Making a quarter of a billion
dollars playing baseball doesn't bring you happiness if what you
really want to be is a Calvin Klein model. (Argus Hamilton)
Even more amazing than Thursday's Big East tournament game between
Syracuse and UConn going six overtimes? No postgame interviewer asked
Huskies coach Jim Calhoun if he gets paid time-and-a-half for that
one. (Dwight Perry)
On the Dallas Cowboys jettison of Terrell Owens: What do Jerry Jones
and the Dow Jones have in common? Both just enjoyed their best week
since November. (David Thomas)
This past weekend, Usain Bolt, you know the gold medal-winning
sprinter, ran his first race of the season. He tied for first place in
the 100-meter dash. The guy he tied with was an A.I.G. executive
running to the bank to cash his check. (Jay Leno)
An Iraqi soccer player was shot dead during a match in Baghdad Sunday.
He was just about to kick the tying goal on a penalty shot. It was a
big mistake to open a sports book in Baghdad before they had the metal
detectors installed at the stadium. (Argus Hamilton)
JetBlue airlines announced special "Manny Fan Fares" in honor of the
Dodgers re-signing Manny Ramirez. The fare's only $99 each way, but
there's a mandatory surcharge for excess baggage. (Janice Hough)
Golfer Natalie Gulbis botched the cupcakes she was baking on NBC's
"Celebrity Apprentice." Gulbis can putt and drive, but her shortening
game needs a little work. (Cam Hutchinson)
ENTERTAINMENT
Actor Nicholas Cage says that he's tired of gratuitous violence in his
movies. He said that violence in films is justified only if it serves
a cinematic purpose, like bringing more people to the box office.
(Bill Mihalic)
America's Next Top Model was holding open auditions Sunday when tens
of thousands of models stampeded on the street outside the studio in
Manhattan. It was a sign of the economy. Every woman who hasn't eaten
in three weeks now thinks she is a model. (Argus Hamilton)
THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET
A radio host in Louisville is devoting one hour of her show each week
to helping the unemployed find jobs. The ninth caller gets to clean
her pool. (Todd Long)
So the Seattle Post-Intelligencer has gone totally on-line. Ya know, I
feel sorry for the delivery guys and gals. Cause now they gotta chuck
a PC on their customers' lawns every day. (Marc Ragovin)
CELEBRITIES
Casino magnate Steve Wynn and wife Elaine are getting a divorce.
There's much joy in lawyer-ville. This could end up being the first
Wynn-Wynn situation where nobody's happy. (Tim Hunter)
Adult film star Jenna Jameson gave birth to twin boys Monday. She
decided to have the births video recorded. She was totally comfortable
with the lights and camera aimed at her crotch, but kept asking, "Why
does all the crew still have their pants on?" (Jerry Perisho)
Tennis dad Richard Williams, 67, plans to marry his 30-year-old
girlfriend who's barely older than Venus and Serena. Did somebody say
Woody Allen movie? (Len Berman)
A little health scare for former Vice President Dick Cheney's wife,
Lynne Cheney. She was hospitalized briefly after fainting at home.
She's apparently okay. But here's kind of a funny thing that happened.
The paramedics arrived, and out of habit they started giving C.P.R. to
Dick. (David Letterman)
Mayor Mike Bloomberg was rated the richest man in New York Thursday.
His media company's made four billion dollars since the crash. Selling
business news during a stock market scare is more lucrative than the
soft drink concession at the Betty Ford Center. (Argus Hamilton)
Carl Landry of the Houston Rockets was shot in the leg while getting
fast food after a game. Audio tapes from the drive-through reveal him
saying, "Hold the pickles, hold the onions, HOLD YOUR FIRE!" (Todd Long)
Police in Illinois claim that Gary Skoien, who is the former chairman
of the Cook County Republican Party, was in his children's playroom at
1 a.m. in the morning with two hookers, when his wife walks in,
catches him and the wife beats him up with a toy guitar. And she's
like a superstar. In fact, women in the neighborhood now call her
Guitar Hero. (Jay Leno)
CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
Now, that's the difference between Republicans, when Republicans and
Democrats have affairs. Democrats, it's always the swanky expensive
suite; Republicans, it's always an airport men's room. (David Letterman)
A woman from Spokane, Washington, found a cat inside a used couch she
bought at a thrift store and then returned it to its owner. Britney
Spears was thankful because since her last concert in Tampa she had no
idea where her pussy has been hanging out. (Pedro Bartes)
A Swedish woman spent over $400,000 on a plastic spray bottle filled
with holy water that ended up being fake. Experts confirmed the Holy
Water was bogus after they offered Dick Cheney a sip and he didn't
burn. (Pedro Bartes)
BUSINESS & LABOR
General Motors announced Monday it's already sold out its first run of
fourteen thousand new V-6 three-hundred-horsepower Camaros. The
marketing research finally came back. Americans wish the planet the
best, but little cars are for little countries. (Argus Hamilton)
Jaguar and Buick have dethroned Lexus in the new J.D. Power vehicle
dependability study. This is a great source of pride to the 17 people
who actually own a Buick. (Marv Kaminsky)
Microsoft is offering a $250,000 reward for information leading to the
capture of the creator of the Conficker computer virus. If that's not
enough, Bill Gates will throw in the iPhones he confiscated from his
wife and kids. (Paul Seaburn)
Japan's fashion industry is experimenting with robot models. They're
stoic, pre-programmed, and you don't have to feed them. Judges at the
catwalk won't notice a change. (Alan Ray)
Do you remember Poppin' Fresh? He's that pasty white guy. He was
certainly doughy, fat, overweight, pasty, white, doughy guy. He had a
radio show with a weird political — I'm sorry. I'm confused. That's
Rush Limbaugh. (David Letterman)
HOLIDAYS
A very happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Of course, St. Patrick's
day is a little different this year. Nobody's got any green left. (Jay
Leno)
What is the difference between an A.I.G. executive and a drunken
Irishman? A drunken Irishman spends his own money. (Jay Leno)
The St. Patrick's Day Parade marched up Fifth Avenue in New York on
Tuesday. It was a grand day for Irish-Americans. By six o'clock in the
morning parade-goers were standing on the sidewalk six-deep for forty
blocks, and that's just the beer line. (Argus Hamilton)
In honor of St. Patrick's Day, the water in the fountains at the White
House today was dyed green, which might be the only green a lot of
Americans see this year so enjoy it. (Jimmy Kimmel)
They had a big St. Patty's Day party at the White House tonight with
corned beef and cabbage, green beer — the whole thing. … Things got
ugly for a second when Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal
Reserve, mistook Dennis Kucinich for a leprechaun and tried to choke
him for his gold. (Jimmy Kimmel)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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