AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Politicians in the state of Iowa have voted to rename their Department
of Elder Affairs. They're changing the name to the Department of
Aging. Have they thought this through? I mean, now, elderly people
will be calling the D. O.A. (Jay Leno)
A wide-ranging study on American religious life found that more
Americans say they have no religion at all. Which is weird because
every time most Americans check their 401(k) they say: "Oh
God!" (Pedro Bartes)
Tobacco-rich North Carolina is close to passing a law banning public
smoking. No smoking in North Carolina? Next thing you know the state
will make it illegal to marry your sister! (Jake Novak)
History is a story that repeats itself; right now it's on Chapter 11.
(Gil Stern)
Americans in rapidly growing numbers have ceased using "Bullshit" or
"B S" for statements that are ridiculously stupid, biased, and untrue.
Instead, they call such statements "a Limbough" to honor the man whose
every utterance seems to epitomize the term. (Stan Kegel)
President Obama will reverse the Bush administration's limits on
government spending for embryonic stem-cell research today. The White
House is hoping scientists will discover a way to use stem cells to
regrow the stock market. Nancy Pelosi is especially excited about the
move, as she is hoping to use stem cells to help her grow a penis.
(Jake Novak)
Iowans asserted their need for that two-million-dollar congressional
earmark to study pig odor. Now's the time. They would have asked
earlier, but it wasn't til the presidential candidates left that
Iowans were sure the smell was coming from the hogs. (Argus Hamilton)
There's a new swingset up at the White House for the Obama girls. This
will mark the first time there have been swingers at the White House
since the Clinton administration. (Tim Hunter)
In North Korea, they're grooming President Kim Jong Il's son to take
over for him. You know, we should let the of people in North Korea
know, this doesn't always work out the best. (Jay Leno)
President Obama wants public schools to go beyond math and reading
proficiency and include classes on "creativity" and "imagination."
Kids who grow up with more creative imaginations and less math and
reading ability have great career opportunities in the White House
budget office. (Jake Novak)
Two junior high school teachers in Utah are accused of having sex with
the same 13-year-old student. Isn't that a sign of the bad economy?
Teachers cannot afford their own students and now have to share.
(Pedro Bartes)
In a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best
quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion dollars in profit. That just
shows you: If you give a company $45 billion in government bailout
money, they'll show you how to turn it into $8 billion in profit. (Jay
Leno)
Britney Jordan, the top NCAA women's basketball scorer at 31.3 points
per game for Texas A&M-Commerce, once worked as an exotic dancer in
Philadelphia, The Dallas Morning News reported. No wonder they're
moving up in the poles. (Dwight Perry)
The FDIC hinted Friday it might have to borrow billions of dollars in
order to insure everybody's bank deposits. The overall economy is to
blame. In the last four months fifty million Americans have had to
switch brokers, from to stock to pawn. (Argus Hamilton)
THE ECONOMY
Wall Streeters regained the will to live Tuesday after the stock
market soared three hundred seventy points on good news from
Citigroup. Everyone is too nauseous to be happy. Stocks might not
provide for your old age but they do hasten its arrival. (Argus
Hamilton)
Stocks were up 400 points today. I haven't seen anything shoot up so
fast since Amy Winehouse. (Craig Ferguson)
Americans lost 1 hour on Sunday Due to Daylight-saving. The economy is
so bad that for daylight saving the government could afford to save
only 30 minutes instead of an hour. (Pedro Bartes)
The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, even
people who don't like Barack Obama aren't paying their taxes. (Jay Leno)
Warren Buffett declared Monday the United States must see itself as
engaged in a war against the economic downturn. He's got a point. If
you've seen the federal deficit you will know we haven't been attacked
by this many zeroes since Pearl Harbor. (Argus Hamilton)
Foreclosures have worsened. Now folks are receiving junk mail
addressed, "Current Non-Resident." (Gil Stern)
The deep recession is forcing more families to live in motel rooms,
which creates a crisis for most politicians who need those rooms to
meet their mistresses and favorite hookers. (Jake Novak)
Stock market keeps going down and down and down. Today I tipped my
cabdriver with 100 shares of G.M. stock. (David Letterman)
BERNIE MADOFF
Bernie and his wife Ruth want to keep $69 million. They said that's
not money they swindled. That's just money they had laying around.
That's money they saved by switching to Geico. (David Letterman)
Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty Tuesday to swindling victims out of fifty
billion dollars and faces one hundred fifty years in jail. That's not
enough time. Thanks to embryonic stem cell research, Bernie Madoff's
best years could still be ahead of him. (Argus Hamilton)
Bernie Madoff pled guilty today in court to running a Ponzi scheme. He
was immediately taken to jail. Oddly, when he was taken to jail he
wasn't wearing a wedding ring. So you know what that means, guys in
prison — he's available. (Jay Leno)
A guy was arrested in Long Island for running a $4 million Ponzi
scheme. And I thought, Hell — Bernie Madoff has that in his sock
drawer. (David Letterman)
Bernie Madoff is now in a small, dark, smelly holding cell in the
Manhattan Correctional Center. It's so small and dirty that if it were
a studio apartment across the street, it wouldn't sell for a penny
over $1.7 million. (Jake Novak)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
President Obama got some good news today. So many of his cabinet
appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a
finder's fee from the I.R.S. (Jay Leno)
President Obama continues to have problems filling Cabinet positions.
CNN's medical expert Sanjay Gupta turned down the job as surgeon
general. He said he didn't want to take the big pay cut. Obama said to
him, "Hey don't worry about it — after my tax hike, it'll work out to
the same money anyway." (Jay Leno)
Obama's approval ratings remain high. I don't want to say there's a
conspiracy against him, but on the show "Jeopardy," they had an Obama
category and there seemed to be a bias. One of the questions was,
"Obama learned his extreme Marxist ideology at this law school."
Another, "In 2012, after Obama has destroyed the economy, President
Rush Limbaugh will be responsible for this task." (Jimmy Kimmel)
They say President Barack Obama's hair is already starting to turn
gray. Been in office two months, hair already starting to turn gray.
And so today, Alex Rodriguez's cousin injected him with Just for Men.
(David Letterman)
The Obama family is finally getting their dog. They say they're
getting a Portuguese water dog. And today, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes
the dog fails. (Jay Leno)
THE CONGRESS
GOP Rep. Patrick McHenry said Monday that the party's goal is to bring
down the approval numbers for Speaker Nancy Pelosi and for House
Democrats. Democrats immediately responded that they don't need
Republicans; Pelosi is doing a fine job bringing her numbers down all
by herself. But thanks for your help. (Pedro Bartes)
Congress is renewing a push to regulate cigarettes. Apparently they
are able to do this since they aren't busy regulating banks or any
Wall Street activities. (Jake Novak)
Members of Congress from both parties are grumbling about the "tiny
little portions" of food served at White House functions. Apparently,
Obama will do anything to keep Rush Limbaugh as far away from the
White House as possible. (Pedro Bartes)
According to political publication Roll Call, Sen. David Vitter blew a
gasket last week at Washington DC's Dulles Airport after missing a
flight to New Orleans. Apparently, he didn't get to the gate in time
because he wasted too much time at the restroom playing footsie with
Larry Craig. (Pedro Bartes)
Congress voted funds to keep the U. S. government from shutting down
Friday. They have car payments to make themselves. Congressmen must
drive their own cars because taxicab drivers refuse to pick up
passengers who are statistically likely to rob them. (Argus Hamilton)
THE STATES
The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars
and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that's significant because Virginia
is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of
California banning breast implants. "Yeah, you can't have dee boobs
here. No more boobs here if dare not real." (Jay Leno)
New York state is considering a tax every time you go into a strip
club. A $10 tax every time you go into a strip club. For example, in
my case, it would be, well, like what's 365 times 10, what would that
be? (David Letterman)
22 state legislators in Georgia are either late in filing or paying
their state income taxes. Apparently they are all expressing an
interest on being named to the Obama Cabinet. (Jake Novak)
New Jersey moved one step closer to becoming the 14th state with a
medical-marijuana provision when the state senate passed the
Compassionate Use Medical Marijuana Act last month. Buoyed by the
news, 38 NBA players demanded a trade to the Nets. (Dwight Perry)
The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board is spending more than $173,000
on training to try to make its 4,000 clerks friendlier. Wouldn't it be
cheaper just to give them free samples? (Paul Seaburn)
LOCAL NEWS
A sheriff in Illinois is suing Craigslist, claiming it's the largest
source of prostitution in the United States. Apparently there are over
10,000 prostitutes on Craigslist, according to a list compiled by
former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. (Jay Leno)
THE REPUBLICANS
Newt Gingrich gave interviews Thursday and discussed running for
president in four years. He's a brilliant conservative with a history
of cheating on his wives. In four years everyone'll be sick of stock
market jokes and ready for the infidelity material again. (Argus
Hamilton)
SECURITY & TERRORISM
Islamic extremist groups from Somalia were reported Monday to be
recruiting in Minneapolis, where there's a large Somali population.
Nobody in Minnesota minds the terrorists moving to their state. Until
the Senate race is decided, every vote counts. (Argus Hamilton)
The CIA admits it destroyed 92 tapes of harsh interrogations that may
have constituted torture. It turns out it was several months of
recordings of "The View". (Jake Novak)
Al-Qaeda's Ali al-Marri made his first U.S. court appearance Tuesday.
He plotted cyber attacks on banks eight years ago. He had a plot to
drive Citigroup stock down to forty dollars a share, and now we'll pay
him anything if he'll tell us how to do it. (Argus Hamilton)
NASA & SPACE
NASA will launch the Kepler spacecraft, mounted with the biggest
telescope ever, later today. Its mission is to find Earth-like planets
in the Milky Way... and then ask them for $500 trillion to bail us
out. (Jake Novak)
NASA launched the Planet Explorer into outer space Friday to look for
a planet just like Earth. It won't be easy. Its telescope will
determine whether a planet is just like Earth by looking for four
elements: hydrogen, oxygen, hell and a handbasket. (Argus Hamilton)
Astronomers say they have discovered enormous black holes 5 billion
light years from Earth that is sucking up everything in their path.
They name the black holes "A. I. G. -1? and "A. I. G. -2." (Jay Leno)
Cal Tech confirmed Thursday that a meteor just missed earth two weeks
ago. The last one struck ten million years ago and killed every
dinosaur in the Middle East, where the corpses decayed into crude oil.
Israel's so sorry it had a no-pets policy. (Argus Hamilton)
THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES
A U. N. study says the United States is behind other advanced
countries in phone and Internet technology. Apparently other countries
use the phone other than when they are driving and have found other
uses for the Internet besides porn. (Jake Novak)
MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA
President Obama began the process of easing travel and trade
restrictions with Cuba Monday. He inserted the travel and trade
provisions into this week's spending bill. The president doesn't view
Cuba as the enemy, he sees it as the smoking section. (Argus Hamilton)
The State Department warned college students to avoid Mexico this
spring break due to the drug wars. The warning went unheeded. Twenty
percent of college students decided to go to Mexico for spring break,
the rest are going to Mexico for a new life. (Argus Hamilton)
ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave Barack Obama a pen holder
made of wood from the nineteenth century ship the HMS Gannet, which
caught slave boats off the coast of Africa and freed the human cargo.
Obama's gift to him was a DVD of Gone with the Wind. Gordon Brown is
furious at MI-6 for not telling him that Obama was pro-slavery.
IRAQ & IRAN
The Iraqi journalist who threw shoes at President Bush was sentenced
to 3 years yesterday. Apparently, he would have walked free, but when
he threw the shoes at Bush, he missed. (Pedro Bartes)
CHINA & THE FAR EAST
Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao is expressing concerns about the growing U.
S. debt. Luckily, China is willing to lend corporate America as many 9-
year-old slave laborers that we need until we can turn things around.
(Jake Novak)
The U.S. is convinced that North Korea is testing a new long-range
ballistic missile, but North Korea insists it's just a satellite
intended for peaceful purposes. Like peacefully bombing South Korea.
(Jimmy Fallon)
North Korea threatened war on the U. S. Monday if the U. S. Navy
shoots down a North Korean missile they are test-firing over the Sea
of Japan. They claim the missile can reach Hawaii. If it hits Pearl
Harbor we'll be out of this depression two days later.
SCIENCE & HEALTH
President Obama signed a bill today overturning President Bush's
restrictions on stem-cell research. He said stem-cell research can
help save lives, cure disease and help develop better hair plugs for
Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)
Researchers from the University of Exeter in the UK have found that an
athlete's on-field performance can actually be improved just by having
family in the stands. It is true, when A-Rod has his cousin around, he
gets a lot better. (Pedro Bartes)
How scary is this? A previously unknown asteroid narrowly missed
hitting the Earth this week. They said that if it hit, it would have
been the worst disaster since the invention of the adjustable rate
mortgage. (Jay Leno)
Archaeologists have found 3500 year old jewelry in an Egyptian tomb.
Historians speculate the valuables were gotten illegally. They may
have been part of a pyramid scheme. (Alan Ray)
According to a U. N. estimate, the world's population will hit 7
billion early in 2012. Or it could double if the octomom gets busy
again. (Pedro Bartes)
SPORTS
Syracuse beat Connecticut in a marathon 6-overtime game that lasted 3
hours, 46 minutes, breaking the hearts of the players on both teams
who lost so much valuable study time. (Jake Novak)
The Dallas Cowboys cut superstar receiver Terrell Owens from the team
because he was such a distraction in the locker room. It won't cost
the team any ticket sales at its new stadium. The sport of drinking is
bigger than any one athlete. (Argus Hamilton)
Former NBA star Charles Barkley completed his 3-day jail sentence in
Arizona's "Tent City" for DUI. He stayed in a separate tent from other
inmates and had meals brought to him. The only thing "hard" about the
time the 46-year-old Barkley did in jail was his prostate. (Jerry
Perisho)
Today, the committee that puts the NCAA basketball brackets together
gathers in Indianapolis to fill out the 65-team field. Members will
have to consider team strength, geographical rivalries, and which font
to use so people can easily make 50 copies of the brackets for the
office pool. (Jake Novak)
Cardinals pitcher Todd Wellemeyer was sporting a butterfly Band-Aid
between the ring and pinkie fingers on his pitching hand after a crab
pinched him at the beach near Jupiter, Fla. Witnesses described it to
police as a perfectly executed squeeze play. (Dwight Perry)
Barry Bonds sought employment from Major League teams after
prosecutors delayed his steroids trial for a year. It's a chance to
hire history. He'll be the first player inducted when Major League
Baseball opens the Hall of Asterisks in Cooperstown. (Argus Hamilton)
More than 67 dog teams began the 1,150 mile race through the Alaskan
wilderness, Sunday for the Iditarod Dog Sled Races. Each team has 16
slobbering members that occasionally eat some meat, sleep and have
sex. It's not at all unlike the NBA. (Jerry Perisho)
Martin Truex Jr. drove in Sunday's Kobalt Tools 500 Sprint Cup race,
less than 24 hours after he worked out a kidney stone at an Atlanta-
area hospital. It didn't affect his driving much, veteran gearheads
say, though he did have problems passing. (Dwight Perry)
ENTERTAINMENT
Siegfried and Roy reunited with the tiger that mauled Roy for a show
in Las Vegas. Or, as the tiger called it, "seconds." (Todd Long)
The folks over at "American Idol" had a problem upping the final 12 to
13 this year. Turns out the sequenced telephone number for contestant
13 is already in use by a phone sex company. And you know that Bill
Clinton voted for contestant 13 like twenty million times. (Pedro
Bartes)
"Killzone 2" is the hottest new video game in stores. Any player can
shoot randomly at various characters in his path. It's not a favorite
of parents, but it is endorsed by the NRA. (Alan Ray)
Will Ferrell performs his one-man show as George W. Bush on HBO
Saturday. After just six weeks we're already looking back at the worst
president in history as those good old days. What we wouldn't give for
an ill-conceived invasion right now. (Argus Hamilton)
THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET
Katie Couric is trying to interview Rush Limbaugh. Then I thought,
didn't Katie already do a probing in-depth interview of Rush Limbaugh?
Then I remembered, no, that was the video of Katie's colonoscopy. Easy
mistake. (Alex Kaseberg)
John McCain's daughter, Meghan, wrote yesterday that Ann Coulter is
"offensive, radical, and insulting." Wow. That's by far the nicest
thing anyone has ever said about Ann Coulter. (Jimmy Fallon)
CELEBRITIES
Oprah Winfrey used Thursday's show to "send love" to Chris Brown and
Rihanna in an attempt to "help them heal." To which Rihanna replied,
"Umm—she didn't send ice packs?" (Todd Long)
Britney Spears accidentally exposed her privates during a concert
Sunday night in Tampa, Florida. Her manager was mad; you know how
difficult it is going to be to sell first row tickets again? (Pedro
Bartes)
Hours before taking the stage in Miami, Britney Spears visited a local
Children's hospitals and helped a lot of kids realize that, even
though they may be sick, they can be very thankful that she's not
their mother. (Tim Hunter)
Concert promoters have increased the number of shows Michael Jackson
will perform in London from 10 to 25. The British can relate to
performers who carry umbrellas, have funny walks and look like they
haven't been in the sun since the 1980's. (Paul Seaburn)
Michael Jackson announced last week he'll perform concerts in London.
However, no insurance company will insure him or his concerts. The
last time an insurance company covered Michael Jackson they needed a
federal bailout to pay off the parents. (Argus Hamilton)
Howard Dean says he made it "pretty clear" he wanted to be health
secretary. Although I think what he told the President was: "I wanna
be Secretary of State, and Treasury Secretary, and Commerce Secretary,
and Defense Secretary, and Health and Human Services Secretary …
YAHHHH!" (Todd Long)
Rapper Lil' Kim is now a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars." While
in the joint she worked on a few numbers. New York license plate
4473-2198. (Alan Ray)
Octo-mom Nadya Suleman is moving into a $565,000 home that her dad
bought for her. That's not that great. With 14 kids and only three
bathrooms in the house, in just a few years, the odds are going to be
5-1 against there being a bathroom open when you really need one. (Tim
Hunter)
In real estate news, the octo-mom just bought a home here in Southern
California for $565,000. How is she paying for this? She's got 14
kids, no job and no credit. Who financed this deal, A.I. G.? (Jay Leno)
L. A. octuplet mother Nadya Suleman's publicist quit in disgust
Monday. The porno movie offer was the last straw. He didn't have a
problem with her screwing the taxpayers of Los Angeles until she told
him she is going to do it one taxpayer at a time.
Rhianna and Chris Brown are reportedly recording together. Apparently,
Chris likes Rhianna because she knows how to keep a beat. (Pedro Bartes)
Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani say they bathe together to help save
water and the environment. Oh brother, Gavin -- what a sacrifice! You
HAVE to take a bath with Gwen Stefani. Like there aren't other earth-
conscience people out here who wouldn't be willing to do it for the
greater cause! (Tim Hunter)
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson have broken up. That's right. And
apparently it was not that big a surprise. Even the Russians saw it
coming. I think secretly, Rush Limbaugh wanted them to fail. (David
Letterman)
According to Star Magazine, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, broke up
with her boyfriend Levi Johnston. It was good news for Sarah Palin,
because after she returned all the clothes to the GOP party, she
didn't have anything to wear for the wedding. (Pedro Bartes)
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has signed a six figure deal
to write a book. It turns out he will be getting paid almost as much
as he was charging for a Senate seat. (Jake Novak)
Eddie Doyle, bartender for 35 years at the Boston tavern that inspired
"Cheers," has been laid off. Poor guy has gone from the place where
everybody knows your name to the unemployment office, where everybody
knows you're broke. (Paul Seaburn)
The Cheers bar in Boston made famous on the NBC show fired legendary
bartender Eddie Doyle Monday due to slow business. He's famous for
knowing everybody's name. He's just been hired by Mexico's government
to identify the bodies during spring break. (Argus Hamilton)
EDUCATION
President Obama said that we have let our schools crumble, and other
nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news is we're still
No.1 in the number of students sleeping with their teachers. (Jay Leno)
In Utah, two women teachers were charged with having sex with the same
underage boy; or as that boy is known in Florida: an over-achiever.
(Alex Kaseberg)
The weak economy is forcing Washington State to cut high school gym
and sex ed classes. It's a smart fiscal move as without taking gym
classes, most high school kids will be too fat to have sex anyway.
(Jake Novak)
President Obama addressed educational needs in Washington Tuesday. He
proposed longer school days and more years of education. He's hoping
that if you keep students out of the workforce until they're thirty-
five, maybe the unemployment rate will drop. (Argus Hamilton)
A high school history and economics teacher in eastern Idaho is
selling advertising space to a Pocatello pizzeria on his students'
tests to make up for a cut in his supply budget. Do you think fat kids
are going to be able to concentrate on the exam when they have the
picture of a big pizza slice at the bottom of the page? (Pedro Bartes)
HISTORY
A report says there were no survivors from the Russian Royal Family
murders. Mostly because they happened 91 years ago. (Jake Novak)
CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
According to some doctors from the Cleveland Clinic, men who have 150
to 350 orgasms per year report that their body feels two to eight
years younger than their actual age. Today, I saw Bill Clinton
watching Nickelodeon. (Pedro Bartes)
A sex patch designed for women has failed to boost their level of
desire. Apparently men will have to keep using the old method of
buying them drinks. (Jake Novak)
A woman in Pittsfield, Massachusetts tried to forcibly impregnate her
lesbian lover with a turkey baster filled with her brother's sperm.
She failed, but the turkey next Thanksgiving will definitely be tender
and juicy. (Pedro Bartes)
Policy Review editorialized Monday that food and sex have switched
places over the past forty years in American morality. We used to be
monogamous but ate anything, while today you must eat only correct
food but you can sleep with anyone. This could explain why the average
price at a Las Vegas buffet is now two hundred dollars. (Argus Hamilton)
BUSINESS & LABOR
General Motors announced they wouldn't need an extra $2 billion from
the bailout. They said they're getting great returns from some guy
named Madoff. (Craig Ferguson)
The ten highest wage earners at Merrill Lynch were paid $209 Million
in bonuses last year. Apparently those bonuses were based on how much
was left in the company vault. (Jake Novak)
After it was announced that Citibank operated at a profit during the
first two months of the year, its stocks went up from $1 to almost
$1.36. Today, Citibank CEOs demanded $10 billion in bonuses. (Pedro
Bartes)
Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis says it was a "mistake" taking $20
Billion of government bailout money. But how else could the failing
company pay for executive bonuses? (Jake Novak)
Delta Airlines announced it is cutting back its international flights
by 10 percent. So, for example, flights from New York City to Munich
will now only go as far as the western coast of France. (Bill Mihalic)
G. P.S. device maker Garmin announced layoffs on Monday; 141 workers
were given turn-by-turn directions from their cubicles to home, with a
cheerful electronic voice telling them never to come back. (Marv
Kaminsky)
Sesame Street just laid off 20 percent of its workforce. It's going to
be tough finding these guys jobs — they're still learning the
alphabet. (Jimmy Fallon)
Citigroup is accepting nominations to fill four vacancies on its board
of directors. The bank is looking for new directors who have extensive
experience with panhandling. (Jake Novak)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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