WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-28-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
People magazine revealed that Obama will finally get his daughters a
dog in April. The Obama's joke that Barack will be the official Pooper
Scooper; after all, Obama has experience; he's been picking up all the
crap Bush has left. (Pedro Bartes)
The term Broadband is derived from the two primary uses of high speed
internet access: downloading porn (broads) and illegal MP3s (bands).
(Dave Hitt)
According to a survey among historians, out-going President George
Bush was only the 6th-worst president we've ever had. Another example
of why we need a national playoff system. (Tim Hunter)
Octo-mom Nadya Suleman has been offered $1 million and benefits to
make a porn movie. Filmmakers told her to "shake her babymaker," and
she pulled out a rack of test tubes. (Jerry Perisho)
The NBA is producing "Vaccines For Teens" public-service
announcements, featuring Grant Hill and Lisa Leslie, on the importance
of getting timely inoculations. Baseball's version, we hear, stars
Jose Canseco and A-Rod's cousin. (Dwight Perry)
On actress Meryl Streep's record 15 career Oscar nominations: I hate
to say it, but someone puts up numbers like that, it's just hard not
to think "steroids." (Hugh Jackman)
Cheez-Its has created a new type of cracker that looks like Scrabble
tiles. Perfect for people who like to play with their food. (Tim
Hunter)
The Power Within motivational group has dropped Michael Phelps as a
speaker. Talk about charisma. When he walks in, he tends to light up
the joint. (Alan Ray)
My daughter has a book of Presidential jokes throughout our country's
history. It was disturbing to discover the chapter on Bill Clinton was
comprised primarily of limericks about Nantucket. (Alex Kaseberg)
A 73 year old college basketball player in Tennessee has been ruled
ineligible to play. He's so old that the years it will take until his
graduation have been renamed "the final four". (Jim Barach)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
President Obama's first speech to Congress was notably different from
his predecessor's in many respects. For starters, no need for
subtitles. (Janice Hough)
Obama said that we can overcome this crisis if we're all willing to
work hard and make sacrifices. So, in other words, we're screwed.
(Jimmy Kimmel)
Pres. Obama unveiled his federal budget, Thursday. It includes higher
taxes for wealthy individuals, $318 billion for universal health care,
and a creative new way for the Dodgers to sign Manny Ramirez. (Jerry
Perisho)
Michelle Obama has announced the first family will be getting a
Portuguese water dog in April. So much for all those naysayers who
thought Barack wouldn't deliver on any of his campaign promises.
(Janice Hough)
First Lady Michelle Obama says the first family will get their
Portuguese Water Dog some time in April. The White House is currently
free of fleas. Just last week, Monica Lewinsky walked through and her
flea collar killed them all. (Jerry Perisho)
EX-PRESIDENT BUSH
Former President George W. Bush and wife Laura made a surprise visit
this morning to their neighborhood elementary school. Apparently,
Laura wanted to talk to some teachers about education, and George
wanted to complete second grade. (Pedro Bartes)
My daughter has a book of Presidential jokes or funny stories
throughout our country's history. Sadly, the chapter for President
George W. Bush is primarily knock-knock jokes. (Alex Kaseberg)
George W. Bush is doing pretty well for a retiree. Our former
president will hit the lecture circuit next month for a reported
$150,000 per speech, which seems like a lot to pay to hear someone who
can't speak give a speech. Actually, it's a $150,000 for Bush's speech
and an extra 25 grand if you want to throw shoes at him. (Jimmy Kimmel)
THE ECONOMY
Some economists feel that the stock market has hit bottom around
7,000, and in any case will not keep losing 200-300 points a day for
very long. Well, no more than a month for sure. (Janice Hough)
In hopes of getting more stimulus money, many states sent YouTube
videos of disasters to Washington. New York apparently just sent a
video of the Knicks. (Janice Hough)
Former head of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan says this is the
"longest and deepest" recession since the 1930s. The only difference
is that when Wall Street executives jump from their windows now, they
are wearing their golden parachutes. (Jim Barach)
THE CONGRESS
The House of Representatives passed a resolution recognizing the late
actor Paul Newman for his actions on and off the screen. "What we have
here is failure to communicate"; no, it's not just a quote from "Cool
Hand Luke", it's also carved above the doors to the House of
Representatives.
Roland Burris, while insisting that he is nothing like Blago, is
reported to have responded to calls for him to give up his Senate
seat, "What'll you gimme for it?" (Robt Stupple)
THE STATES
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says he may not take any stimulus
money from the Federal Government. Apparently he figures if its going
to be anything like what they did for the state following Katrina, why
bother? (Jim Barach)
Lawmakers in California want to legalize marijuana. Experts believe
the taxation of marijuana can fix the financial crisis. But if it
doesn't, the legalization guarantees at least that nobody is going to
have the energy to riot. (Pedro Bartes)
Florida wildlife managers have launched an experiment to see if they
can keep crocodiles from returning to residential neighborhoods by
temporarily taping magnets to their heads to disrupt their "homing"
ability. Now, if you have a metal plate in any part of your body,
you're screwed. (Pedro Bartes)
LOCAL NEWS
A nearly intact skeleton of a massive Colombian mammoth that died
during the last ice age has been found at a construction site in Los
Angeles. Isn't that amazing? There's a construction project actually
underway in Los Angeles! (Tim Hunter)
Las Vegas police have identified the fifty most prolific prostitutes
in the city. In this economy, some people go to work, some stay in bed
all day, and some do both. (Jim Barach)
THE DEMOCRATS
Socks, the famous White House cat, who stalked the corridors of power
during the Clinton's reign, has died at the age of 18. It was hard for
the Clintons, especially for Bill; you know how much he hates to lose
an 18-year-old pussy. (Pedro Bartes)
THE REPUBLICANS
Many across the political spectrum said Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal's
response to the Obama speech was sing-songy, simplistic and childish.
But conservative talk show hosts said this proves he is up to the
presidential duty of reading "The Pet Goat." (Marv Kaminsky)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
A New York man was ticketed for going 137 mph in a 1993 Honda Civic in
Upstate New York. He was asked how a 16 year old Honda could go so
fast. Apparently the man just bought the car from Alex Rodriguez who
swears he didn't put anything extra in the tank. (Jim Barach)
SECURITY & TERRORISM
A detainee released from the Guantanamo Prison said he was the victim
of "medieval torture" while he was in custody. The man claimed he'd
been waterboarded, exposed to extreme temperatures, that he underwent
sleep deprivation and that he was forced to attend several renaissance
fairs. (Patrick Gorse)
MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA
The State Department warned college students not to travel to Mexico
for spring break. They are concerned kids might be able to find a job
there and never come back. (Pedro Bartes)
Mexico's political stability came under question on Tuesday due to
anarchy and drug wars. It's not likely to attract an al-Qaeda
presence. If their idea of heaven is seventy-two virgins, they are not
going to like Cabo San Lucas during spring break. (Argus Hamilton)
ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST
Israel announced Monday that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will
visit the Palestinian suburbs and Israel next week. She's going to
lecture the Israelis and the Palestinians on how to live side by side,
even though they hate each other. No one's better qualified. (Argus
Hamilton)
CHINA & THE FAR EAST
North Korea says its planned missile launch test is really just part
of its plans for a peaceful space program. The starving nation is
hoping to safely land a man at a Taco Bell drive thru. (Jake Novak)
SPORTS
More than half of all baseball fans say that Alex Rodriguez should be
banned from the Hall of Fame for admitting to steroid use. The rest
say he should be banned for admitting to dating Madonna. (Jim Barach)
Tiger Woods returns to the PGA Tour this week in Tucson in the
Accenture Match Play Championship. Everyone's glad. He absolutely
hates any noise on his backswing, so maybe the stock market will be
polite enough not to crash on Thursdays and Fridays. (Argus Hamilton)
A new video game called "Trillion Dollar Bailout" lets the player slap
corporate CEO's who are asking for money. Expanded versions of the
game will let you also slap fertility doctors whose patients deliver
babies eight at a time, baseball players getting injected with illegal
drugs by their cousins, and Joaquin Phoenix. (Jerry Perisho)
Roane State College will have to forfeit a basketball game, the
Knoxville News Sentinel reported, because 73-year-old guard Ken Mink
flunked a language course, making him academically ineligible. AARP
historians couldn't immediately recall a septuagenarian whose passing
problems involved Spanish. (Dwight Perry)
As if Alex Rodriguez needed any more bad publicity, he hitched a ride
from the Yankees' spring-training opener in the SUV of Yuri Sucart —
the cousin he said used to inject him with steroids. Nothing unusual
there, witnesses say: Sucart did the driving, and A-Rod got stuck in
the rear. (Dwight Perry)
The Washington Nationals were understandably angry to learn that
Esmailyn Gonzalez, the 16-year-old Dominican phenom they signed,
turned out to be a 20-year-old named Carlos Alvarez Daniel Lugo, now
23. About the only way this story could be better is if Gonzalez/
Alvarez had invested his $1.4 million bonus with Bernie Madoff. (Dan
Daly)
Gearing up to watch Sunday's Academy Awards: Hope I can stay awake
long enough to see if my favorite wins: Alex Rodriguez, who's
nominated for Best Original Story in an Enhanced Performance Apology.
(Steve Schrader)
ENTERTAINMENT
The Academy Awards were held last night. The telecast was so long that
by the time it was over Brad Pitt had turned into an infant. At the
Oscars, Jerry Lewis got a humanitarian award, made of fool's gold.
(Doug Austen)
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will play himself in "The
Expendables," a new movie that Sylvester Stallone wrote, directs and
stars in. It's the perfect film for Arnold since nobody can write
dialogue for him like Stallone. (Paul Seaburn)
Thanks to the success of "Slumdog Millionaire," there were literally
hundreds of millions of people in India watching the Oscars. In fact,
I called Microsoft for help with my computer and actually got a guy in
Iowa. (Ira Lawson)
Security personnel at the Oscars Sunday night arrested a man with a
bomb. He was carrying a DVD of "The Love Guru." (Jerry Perisho)
Sean Penn won best actor for "Milk". Watch for the sequel where he
reprises the role in, "And Cookies". (Bill Williams)
Vivid Entertainment, which makes adult films, has offered Octo-mom
Nadya Suleman $1 million and benefits to make a porn movie. Recording
sound near Suleman's pelvic region when she's naked could be a
problem. She just delivered 8 babies; wouldn't everything echo. (Jerry
Perisho)
THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET
The New York Post has dropped gossip writer Liz Smith. Editors plan to
try a completely new direction for the paper: Journalism. (Alan Ray)
Rick Santelli, the furious CNBC reporter, blames low income homebuyers
for the crisis; apparently they consistently tricked the world's
largest financial institutions into lending them money. (IronicTimes)
A cartoonist for the New York Post is being criticized for portraying
a chimpanzee as the author of the federal stimulus plan, and well he
should be. To insult a chimp in that manner is deplorable. The plan is
so bad that it could not have been created by a creature that high on
the evolutionary scale. (Scott Witt)
CELEBRITIES
Meryl Streep admits it: in her younger years, she used to stuff her
bra with paper towels to get film parts. She found Bounty towels to be
the quicker role picker upper. (Tim Hunter)
Actress Nicole Richie announced via the Internet that she is pregnant
with her second child. When she is pregnant, Nicole Richie looks like
an aneurism.
Rihanna's police photos after her beating by Chris Brown were leaked
to the media Friday, showing her with blackened eyes, a swollen nose,
bloody lips and facial bruises. The beating could have been worse. She
could have owned General Motors stock. (Argus Hamilton)
Barbra Streisand recently bought six fur coats at an expensive Fifth
Avenue store. Normally that would upset me, but I would rather see
Streisand wear fur than see Streisand naked. (Jon Stewart)
Nicole Richie is expecting her second child. So now she'll be purging
for two. (Todd Long)
Charles Barkley will spend 5 days in jail for a DUI conviction. He'll
learn prison is different than the NBA. Instead of 2 guards and a
center, a fast break involves 4 guards and a bloodhound. (Alan Ray)
Charles Barkley may lose his deal with T-Mobile due to his recent DUI
and future imprisonment. He didn't care, he'll have probably more bars
than his cell phone. (Pedro Bartes)
Charles Barkley was sentenced to five days in jail Monday for getting
arrested for drunk driving in Scottsdale. He was smashed. When the
officer told him he was twice the legal limit, he thought that the
girl he picked up was thirty-six years old. (Argus Hamilton)
Brazilian model Gisele Bundchen married NFL star Tom Brady yesterday
in California. But the wedding night turned out to be a bust when
Bundchen found out that Brady really isn't much without his offensive
line. (Jake Novak)
Former N.F.L. star Michael Vick will be allowed to finish his 23-month
sentence under home confinement because there is no room for him at a
halfway house. Lucky dog. (Doug Austen)
CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
According to a new survey from "Health Plus" magazine, 77% women in
their 40s say their sex lives are better now than ever before. The
other 33% are still married or faithful to their husbands. (Pedro
Bartes)
The Vatican proclaims that men and women sin differently. Women are
more likely to make sins with pride and envy, while men are more
likely to makes sins with Madonna and Paris Hilton. (Alex Kaseberg)
According to a recent survey in the UK, 1 in 5 workers would have sex
with their boss to get promoted. The other four would just do it to
keep their jobs. (Pedro Bartes)
A 68-year-old Indiana woman has been recognized as the most married
woman in the world with her 23 marriages. Isn't that amazing? And,
not one of them has been to Larry King! (Jerry Perisho)
BUSINESS & LABOR
The U.S. government is taking a 40% stake in Citigroup. But between
the government's office hours and banker's hours, Citi will be open
only for about 15 minutes a day. (Jake Novak)
G.M. needs $30 billion till Tuesday. Just need to get the few
remaining Aztecs off the lot. They were going to cut the Buick line,
but ministers launched a Sunday sermon onslaught against it. Tried to
get rid of Cadillac, which brought Jews and blacks together for the
first time since the civil rights movement. (Michael Feldman)
New York's Fashion Week began Friday with the new clothing lines being
modeled in front of buyers and celebrities sitting along the runway.
The recession has hit the fashion industry hard. Some of those models
look like they haven't eaten in two years. (Argus Hamilton)
U. S Airways flights will start charging $7 for pillows and blankets
on domestic flights. They know that we all need pillows, because we
need something to bite while we're getting screwed by the airline.
(Pedro Bartes)
HOLIDAYS
Crash Wednesday: The day after Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras is celebrated as
the last day before Ash Wednesday, or the start of Lent for the
Christian religion. For people between the ages of 16 and 25, its
where you get tanked in the middle of the week. Crash Wednesday is the
day dedicated to your hangover. (Urban Dictionary)
Wednesday was the first day of Lent, a time of fasting and penitence
for many Christians. Most Christians give up something they love
during Lent. Octo-mom will not be delivering any more babies for the
next 40 days. (Jerry Perisho)
AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES
According to a recent survey, more than half of all dentists think $1
is an appropriate amount for the tooth fairy to give kids for every
tooth. Today, the tooth fairy asked the government for a bailout.
(Pedro Bartes)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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