WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-24-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Every single TV network was covering the inauguration except Fox;
they're still doing a recount. (Jay Leno)
Obama's getting things done fast. In two days he's taken as many oaths
of office as Bush did in eight years. (Doug Austen)
Lake Erie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting,
because a lot of people were predicting something would freeze over
before we elected an African-American president. (Jimmy Kimmel)
Amazingly enough, even with two million people on the mall, there were
no arrests in D.C. Not that were was no crime. After all, Congress was
still in session. (Will Durst)
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the
swearing in of Barack Obama. That's the second mistake the Supreme
Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared
Bush the winner. (Jay Leno)
President Obama re-took the Oath of Office Wednesday because the Chief
Justice forgot to make him say the word faithfully. Everyone had the
same thought. If that had happened when Bill Clinton took the oath
there'd have been no grounds to impeach him. (Argus Hamilton)
For we comics, losing Bush is like losing a trusted drug dealer. (Will
Durst)
President Obama signed an executive order on Thursday to close the
military detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Rumors say Dick Cheney
will buy it and turn it into a fancy hotel and gun range. -- A place
where congressmen and senators can go to relax and shoot off their
frustrations, at lobbyists expense, of course. (Joe Hickman)
In his inaugural speech, Barack Obama promised change but that every
person in the US is going to have to sacrifice and work hard for it.
To which every person in the US said; "Whoa. When we said we wanted
change we didn't mean we wanted to have to do anything." (Alex Kaseberg)
Historians and sports experts generally agree Barack Obama is the
fittest president in history. Do you know who our second fittest
president was? Bill Clinton. He once did fifty push ups in a row. And
that was just on one intern. (Alex Kaseberg)
The most successful Olympic product pushers of all time: 1) Decathlete
Bob Mathias, Wheaties cereal. 2) Gymnast Mary Lou Retton, Energizer
batteries. 3) East German women's swim team, Colonel Conk's Moustache
Wax. (Dwight Perry)
Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their
eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. That is so sexist. I'm not asking
for equal pay here but 160 times more pay? Where is that scary
feminist lawyer, Gloria Allred? Get her on the phone. (Alex Kaseberg)
LeBron James' being will be on the cover of the February issue of GQ
magazine. Meanwhile, NFL star Plaxico Burress will be on the cover of
Guns & Ammo. (Jerry Perisho)
THE INAUGURATION & THE TRANSITION
How big was Obama's inaugural? It was an event of such Olympic
proportions that NBC almost tape-delayed it on the West Coast. (Janice
Hough)
Two million people were there to watch Obama take the oath. I think
Obama owes a debt to President Bush for this. The only reason the
crowd was that big was because so many people are unemployed and they
have the time. (Craig Ferguson)
China censored parts of President Barack Obama's inauguration speech.
They still didn't censor as much as Fox news. (Pedro Bartes)
The Inaugural Parade today will feature volunteers following the
horses to pick up their manure and make it into fertilizer. It's very
rich this year. Between the sulfates, the nitrates, the hope and the
change, this stuff will grow crops on a rock. (Argus Hamilton)
The Chief Justice stumbled on the word faithfully. But to be fair, a
lot of people in Washington have trouble with any version of the word
faithfully. (Jay Leno)
President Barack Obama was re-administered the presidential oath by
Chief Justice John Roberts Wednesday. Now Sarah Palin claims that he
can't be re-elected because the first day counts as the Obama's first
term. (Pedro Bartes)
One story you may have missed: Senator Dianne Feinstein, who emceed
the Inaugural ceremony Tuesday, accidentally mispronounced a word. She
announced that the Chief Justice would execute the Oaf of Office and
two Secret Service agents jumped in front of President Bush to save
him. (Argus Hamilton)
Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than
500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense
because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to. (Jay Leno)
And during the inauguration, Washington, D.C., set up prostitution-
free zones. Areas where there is no prostitution? Isn't that supposed
to be the whole city, huh? I mean, is Washington so corrupt now we
just rope off the areas where people actually follow the law? (Jay Leno)
Barack Obama was sworn in as the president of the United States on the
Capitol steps despite the cold. He said he wanted the ceremony outside
no matter what the weather. He is not going to start his
administration by betraying his people, smokers. (Argus Hamilton)
V.P. Dick Cheney was confined to a wheel chair at the inauguration due
to straining his back packing. Let that be a lesson to you: always
drain your water board before lifting it to pack it. (Alex Kaseberg)
Obama staffers found antiquated computers with almost unusable
software in the White House offices. Though they were happy to report
finding the Oval Office equipped with the latest updated version of
Etch-A-Sketch. (Bill Williams)
There's a website called MyInauguralPhoto.com where you can make it
look like you were at the inauguration. Perfect for Eliot Spitzer,
'cause you know, he never left the hotel in DC. (Pedro Bartes)
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Barack Obama is our 44th president. As our first African-American
president, he fulfills the dream of Martin Luther King, and as our
first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho. (Jimmy
Kimmel)
Barack Obama now the 44th president of the United States. As you know,
we have never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-
American president; we've had an Irish-American president; we've even
had an incompetent American president. But never an African-American.
(Jay Leno)
During his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said,
"Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still
have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them." (Jay Leno)
Barack Obama's ego is getting a little bit inflated. The other day he
renamed his inauguration dinner the First Supper. (Bill Williams)
President Obama got his new limousine. It has all the latest
technology, although they did take out President Bush's favorite piece
of technology, the PlayStation. (Craig Ferguson)
THE ADMINISTRATION
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton got a warm welcome from all of the
department employees on her first day on the job. That'll change the
day she comes in and fires all of the cute, chubby female ones. (Paul
Seaburn)
Joe Biden's wife let it slip on Oprah Monday that her husband was
offered both the vice presidency and Secretary of State. Hillary must
be annoyed. She was the Democratic party's second choice for
president, she was Barack Obama's second choice for Secretary of
State, and she only sees her husband when she pays his speaking fees.
(Argus Hamilton)
Treasury Secretary nominee Timothy Geithner apologized to Congress
today for not paying his taxes. And Wesley Snipes said: "Why didn't I
think of that? Hey, I'm sorry." (Jay Leno)
Despite his income tax misdeeds, Timothy Geithner is the new Treasury
Secretary because the White House needs his ability to manipulate the
economy. Following that reasoning, there should be an even bigger job
for Bernie Madof. (Scott Witt)
Geithner testified to the Senate Finance Committee today that his
failure to pay taxes was just a "careless mistake." He says he does
his own taxes and he just made a mistake. Well, that's great. So the
guy who's going to be in charge of the I.R.S. is not a criminal, phew,
just incompetent. (Jay Leno)
Today was Joe Biden's first full day as Vice President. Yeah, advisers
say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair. (Conan O'Brien)
EX-PRESIDENT BUSH
!t's silly to say that President Bush was the worst president of all
time. We don't know that. All we can say is that he was the worst
president so far, right? (Jimmy Kimmel)
President Bush is now out of a job. Now he doesn't have to worry about
those annoying day trips to the White House he had to do now and
then. (Craig Ferguson)
To his credit, George Bush worked hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7
months a year. (David Culbreath)
President Bush gave his farewell address last week. Let's hope he
doesn't give a forwarding address. (Doug Austen)
During President Bush's farewell address, he said he always did what
he thought was right. Far right, but right. (Jay Leno)
George W. Bush proclaimed that he had not tarnished America's
relationships with foreign governments. As if to underscore the point,
when his plane took off for Texas, Canada sent a 21-geese salute.
(Janice Hough)
President Bush gave his final speech as president last Thursday night
on national television. He told viewers that our country needed to
remain on constant guard, knowing that those who would do us harm are
among us. But, enough about the oil companies! (Tim Hunter)
President Bush gave his farewell speech last Thursday, asking that we
remember what he did over the past 8 years. Oh, I'll remember every
time I look at the balance of my 401K. (Tim Hunter)
President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high,
because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you. (Jay
Leno)
George W. Bush says he's going to write a book so people can
understand some of the tough decisions a President is called upon to
make. Proposed title: "Heads or Tails." (Jerry Perisho)
The Bushes will be taking very few pieces of furniture with them when
they leave the White House today. However, the President insists on
taking his race-car bed. (Todd Long)
Barack Obama opened up White House records to historians Wednesday.
There are records connecting the Bush family to the BCCI bank which
failed twenty years ago after loaning money to Saddam Hussein. Thank
God George H.W. Bush isn't the collection agent for Freddie Mac and
Fannie Mae or he would have run out of rope three months ago. (Argus
Hamilton)
U. S. AIRWAYS
New Yorkers are still amazed, they haven't seen a jet fall that fast
since Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)
You just know it was a US Airways flight — even the folks with only
carry-on lost their luggage. (Steven Bellovin)
Thursday is the anniversary of the 1973 Supreme Court decision known
as Roe v. Wade. Today, Roe versus Wade more accurately describes the
dilemma facing passengers trying to leave a US Airways jet. (Jerry
Perisho)
The Secret Service is reassuring Americans that should a "bird strike"
occur, Air Force One is also equipped for water landings. At which
point Obama will simply walk to safety. (Janice Hough)
U.S. Airways sent five thousand dollar checks to each passenger aboard
the airliner that landed safely on the Hudson River last week. Some
people never learn. Half the people put the money right into the stock
market and got killed in Tuesday's crash. (Argus Hamilton)
Since their jet crashed into the Hudson last week, US Airways has made
some notable changes. First, jetways will now be called gang planks;
next, every aircraft will be fitted with a deep foghorn; and finally,
their jets will have glass bottoms, making it easier to spot fish and
engines that have just fallen off. (Jerry Perisho)
U.S. Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger was asked to attend the
Inauguration after he became a national hero in New York Friday. He
belonged at the inauguration of Barack Obama. This gives us one guy
who walks on water and one guy who lands on it. (Argus Hamilton)
The U.S. Airways pilot who landed his plane safely in the Hudson
River after massive engine failure is being hailed as a hero. That's
opposed to the airline executives, who are forcing the passengers to
pay a $25 retrieval fee for each checked bag. (Jake Novak)
Witnesses say a flock of birds flew into the engines and brought the
plane down. The incident is prodding the incoming Obama administration
to turn the Guatanamo Bay prison into a restricted bird holding
sanctuary. (Jake Novak)
THE ECONOMY
President Bush's eight years are being called the weakest economy in
decades, with few gains. Apparently "trickle down" economy means
watching all our money trickle down the drain. (Jim Barach)
Some members of Congress want conditions on the Obama stimulus plan,
including a rule that the money should be used to buy only American
products, which would be nice if we made anything in America anymore.
(Jake Novak)
Some Beverly Hills homeowners affected by the bad economy are renting
their houses to be used as sets for porn movies. They can make as much
as $2,000 to $3,000 a day, or call it even if they want to be part of
one of those movies. (Pedro Bartes)
THE STATES
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger this week delivered his State of the State
address. It was a serious, sobering speech — a speech that got about
the same number of laughs as "Kindergarten Cop" and "Twins" combined.
(Jerry Perisho)
LOCAL NEWS
Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on
Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn't
really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways.
(Conan O'Brien)
THE DEMOCRATS
Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and
Hillary had to double up. (Jay Leno)
Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Apparently,
thousands of women yelled, "That's him, officer!" (Conan O'Brien)
So Carolne Kennedy reportedly has some tax and housekeeper issues. Of
course this disqualifies her for the Senate. Treasury Secretary on the
other hand … (Marc Ragovin)
In the running to be named Senator from New York, Caroline Kennedy
abruptly withdrew her name from consideration. Rumors say she may have
pulled out because of some tax problems. That means she can't be a
Senator, but she is highly qualified as an Obama cabinet member.
(Jerry Perisho)
THE REPUBLICANS
It was quite a weekend in Washington, D.C. Republicans are scarcer
than US Airways executives at a fundraiser for the Audubon Society.
(Janice Hough)
Dick Cheney showed up to the inauguration in a wheel chair. His aides
say he pulled a muscle while moving, but I think the real reason is
his legs have turned back to hooves. (Jimmy Kimmel)
This is also Dick Cheney's last full day in office. Actually, he spent
the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to $4 a gallon.
(Jay Leno)
How do you know the 2008 election is really over? Because John McCain
is causing trouble for Republicans again.
NASA & SPACE
NASA scientists say large clouds of methane on Mars prove there is
life on the plane, and probably a Taco Bell. (Todd Long)
IRAQ & IRAN
On this date in 1991, the U.S. attacked Iraq. I'm so glad that's all
behind us now. (David Letterman)
ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST
The United Nations agency that runs a school in Gaza admits to
employing members of Hamas and Islamic Jihad. Said a spokesperson,
"But they're just so darn good at teaching the kids basic
wiring." (Todd Long)
CHINA & THE FAR EAST
North Korean leader Kim Jong Il threatened to attack South Korea
Wednesday and warned the United States to stay out or face
destruction. He claims that he has missiles that can reach Los
Angeles. It's true, if he launches them from Santa Monica. (Argus
Hamilton)
The spiritual leader of Tibet has asked his followers to ring bells to
celebrate the inauguration of the new president. The event will be an
"Obama; Lama, ding dong" (Jon Nerrs)
THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT
Very cold in Washington. In fact, with the wind chill, President
Bush's approval rating reached minus 13. (Conan O'Brien)
SPORTS
The long-downtrodden Arizona Cardinals are playing in Super Bowl
XLIII. And in a related story, meteorologists predict Arctic
temperatures will finally rise out of the teens today in Hell, Mich.
(Dwight Perry)
The N.C.A.A. now allows basketball programs to look at seventh-
graders. Some of the recruitment visits are awkward. Coaches hang out
with them at the mall and pretend not to like girls. (Alan Ray)
On the NCAA allowing coaches to recruite seventh-grade players: "At
least they're waiting till the kids can tie their own Nikes." (Steve
Schrader)
Poultry distributors are warning of a sharp shortage in chicken wings
this Super Sunday. As a result, 75% of the nation's bar room barf
moppers are being laid off. (Jake Novak)
New York Knicks center, Eddy Curry, was charged with sexual harassment
by his male ex-driver; not to get into details, but leave it to a
Knick to come up with a new way to suck. (Alex Kaseberg)
I'm not saying new Jets coach Rex Ryan is a chubby fella, but I don't
think the team is in danger of going over the celery cap. (Marc Ragovin)
In Southern California, the city of Industry, with its 84 registered
voters, approved a bond for $150 million in improvements for a 600
acre site proposed for a pro football stadium. I wonder if those are
the same 84 Southern Californians who'd bought season tickets to the
Rams. (Jerry Perisho)
One big difference between football and hockey: After the Baltimore
Ravens' Willis McGahee took a vicious hit from the Pittsburgh
Steelers' Ryan Clark in the AFC final, players kneeled down and
prayed. In the NHL, three guys would have jumped Clark. (Gary Loewen)
I don't want to say new Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson played for a
lot of teams, but when he's inducted he's going in wearing a Southwest
Airlines hat. (Alex Kaseberg)
ENTERTAINMENT
NBC announced it's renewing "30 Rock," "The Office" and "The Biggest
Loser." It's also considering combining the shows about New York, a
sleazy boss and a loser into one show called "The Eliot Spitzer
Story." (Paul Seaburn)
Fox has a new TV series out called "Lie To Me." It's a Bernie Madoff
sales course on how to interact with your best investment clients.
(Jerry Perisho)
Movie critics are raving about "Slumdog Millionaire." It's a "rags-to-
riches" story. In today's economy there aren't too many rags-to-
riches stories. Who can afford rags? (Toms Lake Humor Company)
A new movie opened — "My Bloody Valentine 3-D." It's about trapped
miners. That's why Michael Jackson saw it three times already. (Craig
Ferguson)
"Outlander" is in theaters this weekend. An alien space ship crashes
into the fjords of ancient Norway. Sounds like this week's sermon at
Tom Cruise's church. (Alan Ray)
A high number of semi-professional singers are contestants in the
latest "American Idol." So is one of the judges. (Todd Long)
ABC's "Lost" has begun a new season. After several years, the
passengers of a wrecked airline all come to the same realization. They
shouldn't have taken US Airways. (Alan Ray)
The new season of "Lost" kicked off tonight. If you haven't seen it,
"Lost" is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the
world. It's based on the true story of the Republican Party. (Craig
Ferguson)
The show "Dancing With the Stars" trying to get Cindy McCain on the
program. How about that? Not to be outdone, John McCain's been offered
a part in the show "Bones." (Jay Leno)
For the first time, the Miss America pageant will allow viewers to
pick four of the top 15 contestants for the finals. Here's another
first: millions of senior citizens are learning how to send text
messages. (Paul Seaburn)
CELEBRITIES
Renowned American painter Andrew Wyeth is dead at the age of 91. His
spokesperson, Christina, confirmed the news saying, "Mr. Wyeth bought
the farm." (Patrick)
Boy George will spend 15 months in jail for false imprisonment of a
male escort. The courtroom bailiff said he was a very cooperative
inmate. He even asked if he could keep the handcuffs. (Alan Ray)
Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriend 23 year old Kendra Wilkinson admits she
cheated on him. She was looking for someone with a little more stamina
than the 82 year old Playboy founder. Like someone who could stay up
past 8:30. (Jim Barach)
EDUCATION
A study says that U. S. students are scoring higher in math.
Apparently teachers are getting them into working with bigger numbers
by having them solve problems based on the Wall Street and automakers
bailout plans. (Jim Barach)
Officials at the University of Buffalo say students in some of the
dormitories are making more careful food choices after the cafeterias
got rid of the trays. Not surprisingly, a number of students switched
their majors from English to juggling. (Paul Seaburn)
RELIGION
A Florida priest is guilty of stealing millions from the church.
Parishioners suspected a lavish lifestyle by his Communion. "This is
the blood of Christ, a 1982 Chateau Mouton Rothschild. (Alan Ray)
HISTORY
Barack Obama opened up White House records to historians Wednesday.
There are records connecting the Bush family to the BCCI bank which
failed twenty years ago after loaning money to Saddam Hussein. Thank
God George H.W. Bush isn't the collection agent for Freddie Mac and
Fannie Mae or he would have run out of rope three months ago. (Argus
Hamilton)
Archaeologists now believe many homes in classical Greece doubled as
brothels. What was the term for the couple who did not engage in
sexual acts in those houses? Married. (Alan Ray)
CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
A 22 year old San Diego woman is auctioning her virginity. So far the
highest bid is $3.7 Million. People are shocked. not by the money, by
the fact there is a 22 year old virgin in California. (Jim Barach)
Newsweek reports that the breast implant business has collapsed along
with SUV sales and jumbo mortgages. It's inter-connected in Los
Angeles. It looks like we won't need the jumbo house or the extra
large car to get the breasts through the door. (Argus Hamilton)
My kids are so addicted to their computers that when I took them to
the library they didn't know what it was. So I told them it was Google
Classic. (Jerry Smith)
BUSINESS & LABOR
Some Starbucks are going to be selling coffee from China. But don't
worry — you'll still be able to get the unleaded. (Jay Leno)
Chrysler and Fiat are reportedly in partnership talks. Talk about
different vehicles. One is a car very few Americans have bought. The
other is from Italy. (Alan Ray)
J. Crew was swamped with orders for the peacoats Barack Obama's
daughters wore to the Inauguration. This recession will be over in a
month if we can just get the girls to wear Buicks to the State of the
Union. (Argus Hamilton)
Microsoft says it is cutting 5,000 jobs over the next 18 months --more
than 5 percent of its work force. Just in time for the government's
program to retrain the unemployed for computer jobs. (Joe Hickman)
So Citigroup is selling Smith Barney to Morgan Stanley, breaking up
its "financial supermarket." Insiders said it was either "Clean up on
aisle 6!" or "Clear out in Chapter 11!" (Robt Stupple)
CNBC business news reports that Barack Obama sports merchandise and
collectibles sales hit two hundred million dollars Friday. Everything
with his face on it is selling. General Motors just can't decide
whether to put it on the doors or the hood. (Argus Hamilton)
Warner Brothers says it will cut about 800 jobs, or 10% of its
worldwide staff, in the coming weeks. Sylvester the Cat is offering to
do his part by eating Tweety Bird. (Jake Novak)
This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is
outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the
next "Batman" movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging
off the side. (Conan O'Brien)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/JoannasJokes/
<*> Your email settings:
Individual Email | Traditional
<*> To change settings online go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/JoannasJokes/join
(Yahoo! ID required)
<*> To change settings via email:
mailto:JoannasJokes-digest@yahoogroups.com
mailto:JoannasJokes-fullfeatured@yahoogroups.com
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
JoannasJokes-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
.gif){kind=small}
