WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-17-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
On the 20th, inauguration day, the USA will become an Obama-nation to
the rest of the world, putting them between Barack and a hard place.
(Ken Shurget)
Barack Obama startled his own party Monday by revealing he will offer
huge tax cuts to businesses and individuals. His life story is such an
inspiration. Where else but in America could a poor black Democrat
grow up to be a rich white Republican. (Argus Hamilton)
Define the financial term "liquidity": When you look at your pension
plans performance in 2008, and wet your pants. (Stan Kegel)
The Adult Entertainment Industry, the porn folks, are asking the
government for a $5 billion bail out. Talk about a money shot. A lot
of people are against this, theyre afraid if they give the porn
industry a bail out theyll just blow it. (Alex Kaseberg)
I see the Atheists are suing to stop Obama from using the swearing-in
oath, as written, because it refers to God. I dont think they have a
prayer of winning. (Tony Thoennes)
The last eight years are destined to be known as the Golden Age of
Political Comedy. (Will Durst)
The New York Health Department took measures Thursday to reduce the
pigeons in Central Park. The birds are better liked than stockbrokers.
The difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker is that a pigeon can
still make a deposit on a new Ferrari. (Argus Hamilton)
A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson
River after it hit a flock of geese. It gave all the passengers goose
bumps. (Pedro Bartes)
President Bush says he doesn't know how he'll feel on his first day
out of office on January 21st. But he knows he's going to feel a lot
better than John Stewart, Keith Olberman, and everybody else who
really won't have any material to work with once he's gone. (Jake Novak)
The inauguration is Tuesday. Barack Obama will pledge to uphold the
Constitution. Or, as Dick Cheney likes to say, start his speech with a
good joke. (Alan Ray)
The Transportation Department reported Monday that noone was killed in
an airline crash for the second straight year. That's deceptive. If
you count the number of people killed in airline stocks, it was the
bloodiest two years since the Battle of Britain. (Argus Hamilton)
The price of health care in the future will be be called the cost of
living. (Gil Stern)
Dick Cheney says President Bush is not to blame for the financial
crisis because no one saw it coming. Of course, no one in the Bush
Administration saw the 9/11 attacks, Katrina or the Iraqi insurgency
coming, either. (Jim Barach)
The Detroit Lions went 0-16, the Tigers and Pistons are bad, their
auto industry is in the tank, to give you an idea how rough it has
gotten, people in Detroit are renting time-shares in Gaza. (Alex
Kaseberg)
THE INAUGURATION
Barack Obama is going to take an Amtrack train to Washington DC and
then his new GM Limo to the inauguration. As a result, oddsmakers give
Obama 4-1 he wont make it to his inauguration. (Alex Kaseberg)
Barack Obama will have Lincoln's favorite foods served at the
Inaugural luncheon Tuesday and he'll take the oath on Lincoln's Bible.
He must be careful. The more he compares himself to Abe Lincoln the
more the Secret Service will treat actors like terrorists. (Argus
Hamilton)
Only 5,000 portable toilets will be available at the presidential
inauguration day despite the fact that more than 4,000,000 are
expected to attend the event. 5000 toilets for 4,000,000 people?
"Whats the problem," said Larry Craig, "we can all share." (Pedro
Bartes)
The National Parks Service estimated four million people will be in
Washington for the Inauguration. It could get ugly. Between the
Inauguration and the economy there could be four million people on the
street without food or shelter or bathrooms. (Argus Hamilton)
Goodwill Industries said Monday it's doing a huge business selling
formal wear for the Inaugural balls. There's a reason everyone's going
to thrift shops to buy their formal wear. You need a credit score of
at least seven hundred to rent a tuxedo. (Argus Hamilton)
PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA
Barack Obama says that both men and women should have to register for
the draft. The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin. (Jay Leno)
Barack Obama vowed to quit smoking last week as security officials
told him he won't be allowed to use his BlackBerry. He will go crazy
having nothing to do with his hands. He might have to take up knitting
just to keep from wrecking his marriage. (Argus Hamilton)
Barack Obama selected Hollywood designer Michael Smith to redecorate
the White House living quarters. He does movie star homes. His
signature design touches include a reinforced shelf for awards, a wall
for pictures, and a mirrored coffee table for the guests. (Argus
Hamilton)
Barack Obama was interviewed by ABC News Sunday where he stated again
he wants a college football playoff system, and that he will fight to
keep his BlackBerry. So that was how he raised all that money for his
presidential campaign. He's a bookie. (Argus Hamilton)
THE NEW ADMINISTRATION
And at his confirmation hearing, Attorney General Nominee Eric Holder
said as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury
secretary nominee Tim Geithner said, "So is paying taxes." (Jay Leno)
Treasury Secretary nominee Tim Geithner was revealed Tuesday to have
underpaid his taxes and hired an illegal immigrant as a maid. Everyone
was glad to hear he's one of us. As Treasury Secretary he will be
assigned to hand out three hundred and fifty billion dollars in total
secret, so paying his bills won't be a problem any more. (Argus
Hamilton)
The new Treasury secretary nominee, Timothy Geithner, has come up with
a plan to lower taxes. Don't pay them! (Jay Leno)
In politics these days, a person is presumed innocent until confirmed.
(Gil Stern)
PRESIDENT BUSH
President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not
going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still
plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall
short of, and people to disappoint. (Jimmy Kimmel)
Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell
address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very
special episode of "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" (Jay Leno)
President Bush gives a farewell address to the country Thursday. He's
had nine hundred exit interviews, a final press conference and now a
swan song. The only reason Americans watch is to make sure he's not
declaring an emergency and refusing to leave. (Argus Hamilton)
According to the Washington Post, White House interns were forced to
fill empty seats in Bushs last press conference. It is not unusual for
presidents to ask interns to help; even when all the seats were taken
by the press, former president Clinton would ask some of the interns
to sit on his lap. (Pedro Bartes)
President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell
address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding
Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought
this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally
picked out the bag hes going to leave Obama holding. (Jimmy Kimmel)
The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last hard-hitting
interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to
Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the
stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a
blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge
inheritance. I like that the President doesn't know where his money
is. If he doesn't know where ours is, he shouldn't know where his is
either, right? (Jimmy Kimmel)
Larry King interviewed President Bush and Bush told him, My favorite
color is blue, and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately Bush was
answering the question, What was your greatest achievement as
president? (Conan O'Brien)
THE AIR CRASH
A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson
River after it hit a flock of geese. All the passengers survived. It
was the first time in the airlines history that all the passengers
landed together with their luggage. (Pedro Bartes)
The U.S. Airways pilot who landed his plane safely in the Hudson River
after massive engine failure is being hailed as a hero. That's opposed
to the airline executives, who are forcing the passengers to pay a $25
retrieval fee for each checked bag. (Jake Novak)
US Airways has announced they are now the official airline of the U.
S. swim team. (Janice Hough)
THE ECONOMY AND TAXES
Barack Obama said he wants the second half of the seven hundred
billion dollar bailout. He demanded tough new restrictions on every
company that takes the money. Every so often Barack Obama tries to
talk like a Republican just to break up the room. (Argus Hamilton)
The adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked
Congress for a $5 billion bailout. They say they're going to use the
money to make more fuel efficient porn.Five billion. You know, between
the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more
people. (Jay Leno)
U. S. banks are asking for billions more dollars as they continue to
fail. Citigroup admits that if it doesn't get another $100 billion, it
won't have enough money to print out all the 100,000 pink slips it
needs by next week. (Jake Novak)
House Democrats on Thursday released an expansive economic recovery
plan that calls for $550 billion in spending and aid to states and
$275 billion in tax cuts. Now, of course, House members have to dig
into the plan to make sure their buddies are getting their unfair
share. (Joe Hickman)
Gee, Jan 15th, the final tax day for 2008, and the tax forms for 2009
still have not arrived. What a great idea! Think of all the money the
government will save by not having tax forms. And it will really be
easy for the new President to cut middleclass taxes -- we just won't
pay any. -- Everybody who made over $200,000 last year, just mail in
your check with your W4. -- Best idea the IRS ever had. -- When folks
figure it out, President Bush's approval rating will skyrocket. --
Except among rich folks, of course. -- But there won't be many of
those left. (Joe Hickman)
THE CONGRESS
Senator Joe Biden bid farewell on Thursday to his senate colleagues.
He apparently forgot, as Vice-President, next week he'll be running
the Senate. Or maybe he doesn't expect Cheney to leave. -- He has had
access to the security briefings lately. (Joe Hickman)
Minnesota is still waiting to find out who their junior U. S. senator
will be, 10+ weeks after election day. Incumbent, one-term Sen. Norm
Coleman [R] has filed a lawsuit to keep former SNL writer and comedian
Al Franken from being sworn in, after Mr. Franken ended up with a 225
vote lead following a state-mandated recount, which was certified by
the state Canvassing Board on January 5, 2009. Sen. Coleman's been
reading the warning printed on the bottle: "If you have an election
that lasts more than four hours, contact your Supreme Court
immediately!" (Paul Benoit)
THE STATES
Caroline Kennedy's favorability ratings among New York voters slipped
Thursday as she lobbied to be appointed to the U. S. Senate. If she's
appointed, she will be seated without question. It's not like in
Illinois where you have to show the receipt. (Argus Hamilton)
LOCAL NEWS
In New York, a divorce is getting real interesting: the husband wants
his estranged wife to return the kidney he donated to her years ago.
"If you're rejecting my heart, I'll take back my kidney." What is they
say about a divorce? It's always the kidneys that suffer the most. The
bad news for the wife: New York is a community organ state. (Tim
Hunter)
A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson
River after it hit a flock of geese. All the passengers survived. It
was the first time in the airlines history that all the passengers
landed together with their luggage. (Pedro Bartes)
A new survey lists Salt Lake City as the most in-shape city. Well duh.
They're Mormons, they bicycle everywhere. Hello! (Patrick Gorse)
THE DEMOCRATS
In an interview with Fox News, Hillary Clinton says her chances of
running for president again are "Probably close to zero." Translation:
She hasn't yet chosen a design for the Hillary 2012 bumper sticker.
(Doug Austen)
Barack Obama introduced Tim Kaine as the new Democratic Party Chairman
Thursday without inviting outgoing chairman Howard Dean to the event.
Under Howard Dean's chairmanship the party took control of the House,
took control of the U.S. Senate and took control of the White House.
For crying out loud, he is practically a fascist. (Argus Hamilton)
SECURITY & TERRORISM
According to presidential insiders, Barack Obama is preparing to issue
an executive order, perhaps during his first day as President, to
close the US military prison at Guantanamo Bay. Currently, plans are
to convert it into a Starbucks. (Jerry Perisho)
Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are
released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home
countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program. (Jay
Leno)
Attorney General-designate Eric Holder said Thursday that the
detention facility at Guantanamo Bay may take longer to close than
hoped. With only a 59-vote Democrat margin in the U. S. Senate, a
Republican filibuster will kill the idea of releasing the 250 inmates
into red states. (Joe Hickman)
The US government dismissed an audio message from Osama bin Laden and
said he was not a threat to the upcoming inauguration. Why is he not a
threat? Its the cold weather. Hes snowed in; hell never leave his
apartment outside Fargo. (Jerry Perisho)
Barack Obama was reported Wednesday to be thinking about moving the
Guantanamo prisoners to Camp Pendleton near San Diego. We know where
this is headed. A year from now the vice president will be defending
the practice of boogie-boarding during interrogations. (Argus Hamilton)
THE MILITARY
The Army has changed their policy and is now accepting overweight
recruits. In a related announcement, the Army has increased the size
of the standard foxhole from 42-inches to 56-inches. (Tim Hunter)
ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN
Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton was given her own private
gym at his London residence Monday. She mustn't turn into a flamboyant
media hog who upstages the prince. Nobody's going to buy that car-
accident-in-the-tunnel story a second time. (Argus Hamilton)
IRAQ & IRAN
Iranian protestors were burning pictures of Barack Obama yesterday. I
thought, Cmon! He isnt even in office yet! I dont think these guys are
angry I think they just like fire. -- Its winter in Iran and theyre
cold. (Craig Ferguson)
ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST
Israel says its airstrikes will continue to target Hamas leaders,
which is why every surviving Hamas terror chief is now living at the
local U.N.-run kindergarten. (Jake Novak)
The U.N. admits that the U.N. school hit by Israeli mortars last week
employed several terrorists and used U.N. funds to buy textbooks
filled with anti-Jewish teachings. It's all part of the U.N.'s "no
suicide bomber left behind" program. (Jake Novak)
SCIENCE & HEALTH
The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive
care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that
new? Havent H.M.O.s been doing that for years? (Jay Leno)
A study suggests women can subconsciously tell if a man is interested
in sex by his scent. Researchers have labeled this particular
pheromone. The scientific term is "beer." (Alan Ray)
Containers of peanut butter are now suspected as the source that has
spread salmonella food poisoning to people in 42 states. I am not sure
which peanut butter style is suspected, but when you get the poisoning
and throw it up, its all chunky. (Jerry Perisho)
The National Safety Council called for a ban on cell phone use while
driving. While driving they want no drinking, no talking, and no
texting. They're like your parents -- "Pay attention to your driving,
Bimbo!" (Joe Hickman)
The British chocolate maker Cadbury is being forced to put a new
warning label on candy bars informing consumers that theres milk in
milk chocolate. The label also warns that if you want to avoid nuts,
stay away from people who need to be told that theres milk in milk
chocolate. (Paul Seaburn)
THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT
Bitter cold weather was sweeping across the nation Thursday, putting
the Midwest in a deep freeze. In Fargo, North Dakota it felt like 48
below because it was 48 below. -- Lower than 20 below, you can't feel
anything anyway. -- Assuming you still have fingers. (Joe Hickman)
The company behind Botox plans to introduce the first F.D.A.-approved
drug for growing longer eyelashes. It's expected to be a huge seller
in the coming year, you know after millions of newly unemployed people
scrape up enough cash to buy food and pay the mortgage. (Jake Novak)
A rash of shark attacks on Australian beaches has swimmers nervous.
Scientists say such sightings of the creatures are rare. During this
time of year, they are usually back in law school. (Alan Ray)
SPORTS
Barack Obama repeated his call for college football playoffs Friday.
This year was the last straw. Everyone agrees that it's utterly
pointless to play an entire college football season just to have the
national crown given to Caroline Kennedy. (Argus Hamilton)
New York Knicks center, Eddy Curry, was charged with sexual harassment
by his male ex-driver; not to get into details, but leave it to a
Knick to come up with a new way to suck. (Alex Kaseberg)
Anaheims mayor Curt Pringle says the city council has voted to drop
its suit to get the Angels baseball team to re-adopt the name Anaheim
Angels. In other news, a potato chip company has filed a name
infringement suit against Anaheim mayor Curt Pringle. (Jerry Perisho)
Congressman Joe Barton offered a bill to replace the BCS with a
playoff system Friday. Congress has no authority over college
football. Just because the government is taking over the banks and the
auto industry doesn't mean the American people will allow them to
meddle into something that matters. (Argus Hamilton)
While the Yankees are doling out $423 million for big-ticket free
agents Sabathia, Teixeira and Burnett, the Red Sox toss out a
Schilling and pick up a Penny. (Dwight Perry)
National Football League advertisers were miserable on Sunday after
four small-market teams made it into the NFL championship games. The
ratings will be terrible. The Super Bowl could end up being sponsored
this year by the Snuggie and the Sham Wow. (Argus Hamilton)
A weeping Brett Favre announced he does not know if he is going to
return next season. In these uncertain times its nice to know there is
something you can count on happening each and every year, like a
weeping Brett Favre announcing he doesnt know if he is returning next
season. (Alex Kaseberg)
Jamaica's Usain Bolt, the world's fastest man, edged U.S. swimmer
Michael Phelps for 2008 Athlete of the Year in voting by the
International Sports Press Association. The vote was 1,673 to 1,557,
so it was the closest race Bolt had all year. (Scott Ostler)
Roger Clemens was investigated by a grand jury Monday over steroid
use. It builds muscle but it gives men breasts. Last year Roger
Clemens took off his shirt in the Dallas Cowboys locker room, causing
Pacman Jones to make it rain and shoot the bouncer. (Argus Hamilton)
The Phoenix Suns announced that center Shaquille ONeal was inactive
for Thursdays game against the Denver Nuggets. Oh, dont get me wrong,
he was playing. But, he was quite inactive. (Jerry Perisho)
On the Cubs' signing of mercurial outfielder Milton Bradley: In the
last five seasons, Bradley has gone at it with a general manager,
manager, teammate, announcer and fan, so he has gone crazy for the
cycle." (Steve Rosenbloom)
This just in, Oklahoma cornerback Dominique Franks said Michael Phelps
would be only the fourth-best swimmer in the Big 12. (Brad Dickson)
Rickey Henderson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame Monday after
setting the career record for most stolen bases. He got rich the hard
way. The difference between baseball and Wall Street is if you get
caught stealing in baseball, you're out. (Argus Hamilton)
ENTERTAINMENT
Twenty-Four starring Keifer Sutherland as U.S. agent Jack Bauer
premiered Sunday, featuring a subversive villain who's able to use his
skills to turn the economy into complete and utter chaos. He's a
mortgage broker in Orange County. It's a documentary. (Argus Hamilton)
Gran Torino won the box office Sunday, making Clint Eastwood the
oldest star in history to headline a number-one movie. He did a lot
better at the box office than Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest movie.
California Budget lost a hundred billion dollars. (Argus Hamilton)
THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET
Joe the Plumber was hired Tuesday to cover the Israeli-Hamas war as a
reporter in Gaza. He will be safe there. The two most revered figures
in the Arab world are the Prophet Mohammed and anybody who can restore
running water after an air raid. (Argus Hamilton)
Charles Barkley took a leave of absence from his TNT broadcasting job
ten days after his DUI arrest in Phoenix, when he told the cops he ran
a stop sign because was in a hurry to get oral sex. He's three hundred
pounds, he's a gambling junkie, a drunk driver and a sex addict. It
took him a week just to decide which rehab has seniority. (Argus
Hamilton)
CELEBRITIES
Ryan O'Neal agreed to enter a drug treatment program Thursday after he
pleaded guilty to methamphetamine possession in his Malibu home. It's
against the law to possess or use methamphetamines inside the Malibu
city limits. It's zoned for cocaine. (Argus Hamilton)
Former Senator Larry Craig says he will drop all future appeals
concerning his arrest in a Minneapolis Airport restroom for soliciting
gay sex. He's just happy to be back in Idaho where he can use his
custom made outhouse in his yard. It seats four. (Jim Barach)
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says the media is going easy on Caroline
Kennedy because of her social status. Although in Alaska, Sarah Palin
is considered one of the social elite because she lives in a house
that doesn't have wheels. (Jim Barach)
CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES
The National Offices of Planned Parenthood is trimming 20% of their
work force. For a long time at Planned Parenthood, layoffs were
inconceivable. (Tim Hunter)
A Massachusetts teacher was arrested and accused of having sex with
her teenage male student over 300 times. That has to be embarrassing
for the boy because, as we all know, if you dont do something right,
teachers make you do it over and over and over again. (Alex Kaseberg)
A California man has been arrested for selling his 14-year-old
daughter into marriage in return for a case of beer. Actually the beer
was just a bonus, the money he saved on the monthly phone bill was the
big payoff. (Jake Novak)
A 22-year-old woman auctioning off her virginity at a legal brothel in
Nevada said some people are offering more than $3.8 million. The only
person I know that can make so much with no experience is Caroline
Kennedy. (Pedro Bartes)
The San Diego woman who is auctioning off her virginity has received
10,000 offers and the bidding is at $5 million. The top offer is from
an Australian businessman. Thats trouble. Hell want to do something
kinky, like go down-under! (Jerry Perisho)
BUSINESS & LABOR
Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this
would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin's campaign
credit card. (Jay Leno)
The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas unveiled a robot Friday
designed to replace dogs and cats. It's a plush baby seal that cuddles
and coos and responds very affectionately to human touch. In some
parts of the world it could replace sheep. (Argus Hamilton)
Motorola is cutting 4,000 jobs. The layoff notices were kind of mean.
"Our cell phones are extremely mobile. And 2 weeks from now, so are
you." (Alan Ray)
Citigroup has posted another $8.3 billion loss and will split into two
companies. The first will be called "Crap," and the other
"Garbage." (Jake Novak)
AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES
According to a recent survey, 5% of American workers consider their
boss a "parent figure". Ironically, that number pales in comparison to
those secretaries that actually call their bosses daddy. (Pedro Bartes)
Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@socal.rr.com
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