A bad boy's guide to cruising

Just when you thought you looked ultra-gorgeous and had the moves and grooves of a party animal at heart, look out! There are other fresh, or maybe unknown, ways to have that distinct attention-grabbing bad-boy aura you have always wanted. Whether you are a Malate boy, or a G4 dude, or a Libis guy, reading on will give you the competitive cruising edge. So, don’t leave your cluttered den just yet. Here are guaranteed make-and-no-break tips revealed to transform your humdrum persona into a Marlon Brando incarnate.

The Mantra. Of course you have a mirror. Vanity is our favorite sin and all narcissistic guys should possess a mirror and keep it like gold. Small or big, it doesn’t matter. A big crack does for it might disrupt the internalization process. Bring out the salaminkero in you. Look into the mirror, project that beastly creature that you are, and recite these affirmation mantras to yourself--

“I look great, girls will salivate.”
“Omigod! I got the best bod!”
“I’m the stud, I’m so hot, I’m giving girls my best shot.”
“Look at me! Look at me! Darn, Imma make girls so horny.”

These will give you the confidence and the animalistic motivation you deserve. Let’s put it this way -- you will always find lesser beings, in terms of physical endowments, wherever you go. Almost always, somebody else looks blander, agree? They’re the pond scum, the algae, the fungus. Take advantage of that fact now. Who cares about the better-looking heartthrobs? Let’s show our Marilyn Monroes that we are no losers, and that the hot hunks around do not bother us a bit. Imbibe the mantras like you mean them before stepping out of your room.

Your Club Attire and Funky Hairstyle. Black is out. It conceals fat yeah, but conceals muscle contours too. Wear something light-colored – white tight muscle-sleeves will do, to highlight your biceps and chest. Yes they are flab. Down there is baby fat you have not outgrown, but choosing the clothes that fit you right will make blubber look like growing muscles. You are not fat, man! You are buff. Again, not fat but buff (repeat three times, inhale deeply in-between). Just make sure you hide that bulging belly or else it will ruin the night. This time, the ROTC discipline might work – stomach in, chest out! Sure there will be a feeling of discomfort like you have crunched your abdominal muscles a hundred times. But we can hold that breath and die happily in the arms of an FFF (Foxy Femme Fatale).

If you are skinny, you are not too far to becoming a hunk. Try putting on layers of undergarments before donning your flamboyant club attire. But beware of the heat wave. El Nino might put you down when it strikes.

Wearing a cheap pair of pants? Don’t fret. Rip off the label and go out unbranded.

When it comes to hair, just make sure it doesn’t look too combed like you just got out of the parlor. I see guys who just finger their hair and don’t care how it hangs. Projecting an image of someone who had a drool-secreting slumber can save a bad hair day. This can make someone send off a naughty, sexy look like he just got out of bed craving for a finger-licking catch. Think this in – I’m a model, you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk.

A light hair color might work if you wish your facial skin to look whiter. And it creates that funky gigolo image of the hottest blond actors you see on GQ. For added stallion value, grow those sideburns and style you hair sleek and squeaky ala James Dean.

In Style Should Not be Impractical. Learn it. Love it. Live it. Being in style need not be expensive. You can spray on an imitation perfume and the suffocated mob wouldn’t notice the difference, except the scent of the original ones last longer. Get a pair of charol shoes for P300 and upgrade every now and then. Expensive shoes endure a lifetime but you wouldn’t want to put on the same pair over and over again. With less expensive shoes, upgrading will not hurt much.

When it comes to booze, check out the nearest convenience or neighborhood sari-sari store for a few bottles of high-proof beer before hanging out in bars, where liquor prices jock up. And in bars, when approached by a arrogant waiter who could have noticed you weren’t ordering, say irritably, I have had enough Slammer… can’t you see I’m darn drunk? You wanna kill me, bro?

Choose your Gimmick Friends. Make friends with out-fashioned geeks, or your sickly childhood acquaintance, or maybe that skinny pimpled outcast at the back of the classroom. With them, you are sure to stand out. Fitting in won’t do you good. Being the best among the pack should sound better than the feeling you belong. Remember, the concept of family means mentoring a bad boy tyro. It’s bringing out the nastiness in a brood of young virgin wolves.

Having befriended the freaks on your block, you are now ready to invite them to Eastwood. They have never been there but it will undoubtedly catch their fancy. Tell them in a whisper, “This is your night. This is the break you deserve. Pamela Anderson is waiting for Tommy Lee.” You can almost hear that echoing in their minds.

On Your Way Now. Don’t drive; take on everyone for a race. Bring down the windows and light a cigarette as if racing doesn’t even make you budge. Make sure it’s reds though, to give the right manly impression. You drive a tough car -- a 4x4 vehicle, an F150, an Expedition or a Navigator. Here, if you show your soft side, you lose everything you worked hard for. Exhale circles of smoke and give that girl on the next car a naughty look saying, “Ride on me in my car! Now! I will take you for one helluva ride.” Or if you are hitching with a friend, lift your legs, rest them on the dashboard and feel as if you’ve got yourself a loyal driver.

Driving 120kph or beating the red light will make you catch the traffic enforcer’s attention. You bring down the window and hand over your driver’s license with the calling card of an MMDA Director, as you do not burn bridges with people who can save you from sure embarrassment. “You see I know him. There is no point to all the hassles, dude!” Give him an I-told-ya look and let the patrol eat your dust. Saved from a P100-fine, drive on unabashedly then pull over even on a reserved space right in front of the hippest, most crowded, happening disco in the metro. When a bouncer tells you to move your butt, show him the Police Media plate you stole from your dad (who is a 1960’s bad-boy himself) and place it on top of your dashboard for everyone to see.

Project an Image of Invincibility. Nothing can break you now. Wassup? Who cares? We are here to live our dreams. The place is lighted with slim streaks of neon, and dimmed by a kewl pair of shades you got on sale in Puerto Galera. The sound makes you jiggy on. Your house has never seemed close to being a nirvana of loud speakers and belly dancers, so thank God for this awesome place.

Tonight you are no wimp. No party pooper. No one scares you. Not even the meanest-looking balding dirty old congressman who lures girls with bottomless shots of Chardonnay. Pretend that you are a part-owner of the bar and tip him off, “We reserve the right to reject people we do not like.” Place the RESERVED tentcard on top of the table, push the glasses away and clean up the table. “Goodbye.” The rule is to get rid of threats, negative vibes or a possible bubble-bursting showdown to make the night yours alone.

If while barhopping, a bouncer stops you and asks for a pass, show him that round luminous gray circle you drew on your wrist. Without batting an eyelash, tell him you are a VIP and that the faint circle is like a ride-all-you-can pass for Presidential sons in case he doesn’t know.

In the Bar or On the Street. Girls are more than modern. They will like you for being wicked. Wannabe’s crave to know you, be with you, be you. Shed that 90’s (do I hear 1890’s?) image. Drink more than you can. When you feel your face is kind of thickening with alcohol, and is getting number into the night, fake a chinky, charming pair of eyes and throw your best pick-up line to that lucky damsel, “Are you alone?” Ok, that’s cheap and trashy. Let’s think of something else. Try these other effective lines –

“May I buy you a Screaming Orgasm?”
“You are a hot babe, can we dirty dance?”
“Dipping with me will hike up your flesh market value.”

Or you can just slip your calling card into her bag or foolishly attempt to draw her number via your cell phone’s infrared until the nasty goddess gives in. Another option is to meet your other girl friends (friends who happen to be girls) and persuade them to surround you like a hunky basketball pro! That will catch the fancy of even the most discriminating, bitchiest blonde babe. Boosted by the swarm of nymphets, you are now ready to strut your butt like a drunken master onto the ledge, occasionally bathing yourself in a shower of lager.

Time to Go Home. Like a modern-day Cinderella, the clock ticks 5 am and you got to be going. Driving home, you realize they have all left and you are in your truck feeling the same loneliness before you left home. You think, last night, it seemed every starlet came to that cursed place hoping to hook up with some Brad Pitt, but these chicks just left like the classic TYGs (Thank You Girls). Not that you are bad looking. It was not because you failed to impress them. But it was because you were just there to enjoy looking around and being admired. Are you for real? He-he-he. The truth is the night was a big joke. We want to go home just with our closest girl friends, get together with our mother and sisters for breakfast, for it holds water that we can do more with them than with a fresh bitchy catch.

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Proud to be single

Before you tie the knot and ride away on that daisy-filled white car, beware! As soon as you declare yourself happily married, you are sure to miss out on the happily-single itinerary that is every bachelor’s reason to rave about. A single’s life is tough enough, but walking down the isle could not be as easy as you thought. Are you ready to burst your bubble? Below is a list of the good times that the bachelors are (still) enjoying.

You can still keep your ex-partners’ sexy pictures and the videos that could launch you as the next scandal stars. But watch those videos! They can easily be captured or copied into a thousand CDs. The next thing you know, your face is everywhere on the sidewalk, and you can’t deny it is you. Look at the mole, and the school uniform! Every now and then, you want to reminisce those sweet intimate moments with your dissed girlfriends.

You can still play dungeons and dragons without being called nasty names like “sintu-sinto ka,” or “wala kang pinagkatandaan!” If you get married, playing games is a big no-no, including those little games you have not outgrown. Instead of flipping those magic cards on your bed, she wants you to help out in the kitchen. The Bermuda grass might need some trimming too. She can think of a whole lot of broken stuff to fix, and is always poised to break something in case she caught you in that unforgivably juvenile act.

You can drool in your sleep without thinking someone might smell it. Gross but true. If you wake up in the middle of your sleep and find you wife lying on her side, her back facing you, or see her all wrapped up in blanket, then she must have gazed at your saliva drool and smelled it too. The next day, there will be a bottle of mouthwash in the toilet, and maybe a face towel under your pillow. You will also notice, she did not speak to you that morning at the coffee table.

You can sleep all you can without being haunted with wet diapers and crying babies. The babies are the cutest angels, but wait till they pee in the middle of the night, and send a disturbing, ear-breaking wail that could fill the whole room! By then you will know you do not need an alarm clock to wake you up each day. You will not find time even for a quick nap! You will have to commute to work so you can get some sleep in a bus, but lose your aristocratic status in the process.

You can go malling and wink at girls without getting slapped. The pretty girls are almost everywhere. Because they know that the good guys are either taken or gay, they come in drones and check out all the bars, turn all the stones to find the right guy for them. Men have become a rare species, indeed, and women have developed their radar detecting the best available catch around. Even the mediocre kind will now do for them. The girls are getting desperate year after year. They keep asking themselves, “what’s wrong with me?” and “what has happened to the world?” The song “It’s Raining Men” does not hold water anymore.

You can watch adult films without hurting anyone’s feelings. She will feel insulted if you watch an adult film while she lies in bed wearing her sexiest push bra. In the middle of moans, you will be hearing hushed sobs that seem not to come from the TV speakers— an emotionally painful kind of sob, not exactly the kind that is induced by physical pain. If you are single, you can have all the wet dreams you want as well, without getting smelled.

You can bathe alone without anyone wanting to join. Of course, she wants to give you a good shower. Not every guy is a gymnast who could reach the pimply back. And the girls want their men smooth, especially when these husbands ask for a massage on a Sunday morning.

You can fart and throw up anywhere without thinking this may be a reason for divorce. She keeps the carpet and rugs clean you know, and you do not want her to despair over a smelly spotty floor carpet. The stinky scent of fart lingers for at least 15 seconds if you do not turn the fan on. This is specially true when you are just starting as two less lonely people in the world. That awkward stage we call “adjustment.”

You can watch your favorite shows and not be pestered for an anime marathon. Gundam godammit. The kids are so much into these Japanese cartoons. They even deserved a special name – anime, when in fact it only means one thing: Japanese cartoons with their gelled well-kept hair that falls to the brows, almost-slit eyes, and uncanny flying skills. Funny, these cartoon characters’ mouths are shaped differently from what one hears them say, but the kids could not care any less.

You can be vain and still be guiltless when you see women without make-up. She saves money for your child’s tuition fees. Her vanity has taken on the backseat. If she finds a bottle of Bulgari Blu in your closet, it will be gone the next day. Worse, you can probably smell the scent of your cologne on your brother–in-law during your next reunion. “Thanks, Ate! I like the cologne!” Then she will look at you with a wicked smile.

You can eat chocolates without some young girl salivating beside you. All the wives want is sharing. Everything becomes conjugal, including your chocolates. Godiva or even those chocolate coins wrapped in glittery foil, the wives want them up for sharing during fun moments with the kids.

You can watch your favorite basketball game or a boxing match on TV without someone walking to and fro, looking at the clock yelling, “Lovers in Paris na!” How can you tell her that in the next drinking session with your barkada (some guys named Emong, Nonoy, Bokbok), the important objective situation to be discussed is how this basketball pro succumbed to excessive nose bleeding and how our Philippine boxing champion got cheated in a bloody match in Mexico. Your reputation as a man, with all his machismo, is at stake here.

You can still spend on beer, on girls, on cars, on gimmicks, without being reminded of the bills. You can’t anymore count the bills with your fingers. They come every month— electricity, telephone, mobile phone, water, house amortization, tuition fees, and the like. They are pinned to the corkboards in the room, or pressed to the ref with a magnet. Sometimes, they are faxed too to your office, or photocopied and slipped into your bag before you leave for work.

Afraid now? Haha. But then, sooner or later we will have to settle down. There are great things too you can get from marriage, like build a family, change the idea of fatherhood you got from your dad (for the better, I hope), or have your wife iron your clothes (Gabriela, this is a joke of course). But honestly, there is nothing better than having a wife, someone who supports you, someone you can love for the rest of your life, through thick and thin, till death do you part. She wakes you up to the scent of brewed coffee. She welcomes you with a kiss when you get home, while your little yawning kid hugs your leg, looks up to you and whispers, “I love you daddy!” A great relief from the pressures of everyday work. The only true consolation in times of stress. Cheesy but this tastes better than your oily peanut butter in the cupboard.

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